Till I See You Again

When Can I See You - Babyface

Refrain:

When can I see you again
When can my heart beat again
When can I see you again
When can I breathe once again
And when can I see you...

 I was just combing through some of my old blog entries from my 1st blog and this one.   I had to laugh reliving some of those memories.   I can't believe some of the things I've done and experienced being new to the gay world.   I am really happy that I preserved some of those memories to realize how my life was in the mid-2000's.   I would like to be able to continue to preserve more memories as I approach my 49th birthday in October.   I can't believe I'll soon be 50 years old.    What a life I've had and hopefully I still have a little more left.

So what has been going on with since my last post in April 2015?    

The biggest life event that happened was losing my Mom to cancer October 29, 2019.    About a year before she passed, she mentioned having postmenopausal bleeding that was happening periodically.   When she went to the hospital to get it checked out, tests were ran and it was determined that she had uterine cancer.   She had surgery in March 2019 to remove her uterus, cervix, and fallopian tubes.   She needed a couple months to recover from the surgery.   Thankfully I was not working at the time and was able to spend time with my parents to help them out.    My Dad doesn't know his way around the kitchen so I would cook meals.   My sisters Tasha and Trina also came by to help as well.

She recovered from her hysterectomy but in early July she experienced severe lower back pain.    Tasha and her husband Abe took Mom to the E.R. and they ran tests.   The cancer she had unfortunately hadn't been completely removed and had spread in her body and was causing the pain in her spine.     We received the bad news that she would need chemo or radiation to remove it but even that was no guarantee.    Based on tests the doctor said my Mom had six months to live.   

That was a tough pill to swallow.   There were two chemo drugs that were suggested that had a main side effect of "death".    My Mom quickly resigned herself to her fate which made me upset at first.   I desperately was trying to seek alternative options purchasing curcumin and a combo of herbs that was put together into an Essiac tea.    But my Mom didn't want to try anything other than the pain meds that were prescribed to help relieve her spinal pain.   She decided against chemo and radiation and was put in hospice care at their apartment.

I had to accept that my Mom was soon going to be gone.   I still held out hope that somehow a miracle would happen and she would recover.   But with each passing day I knew the odds of that happening was very slim.   

By the time she started experiencing her pain I was a couple months into a warehouse job at one of Amazon's many facilities.    I was working 20 hours a week split into five 4 1/2 hour shifts Wednesdays to Sundays.   So I would travel to Detroit every two weeks either Sunday evening or early Monday morning and stay until Tuesday evening.    Tasha and Trina would take turns dropping by everyday to help care of Mom and Dad.   

It was a grueling schedule especially for my sisters.   Around early September we hired a caretaker that came in Monday through Friday morning to bathe my Mom and help shift her position in bed since she was unable to move on her own and developed bed sores.   The caretake suggested keeping a notebook so we could all take notes on my Mom's condition and meds taken and have them available for whoever had the next shift.

I made sure to be in town for my Mom's birthday on October 2nd.   I bought a half dozen caramel cupcakes and another half dozen red velvet cupcakes from a Detroit bakery.    It was a somber day but we had some joy seeing my Mom quickly devour one.    I saw both my sisters hold back tears.   I oddly kept it together.

I finally unraveled about a half hour before my Mom transitioned.   I came into town on Monday October 28th.   Mom was resting and I sat on a chair near her bed just watching her rest.   When she saw me we greeted each other.   She wanted me to take a rag and wet it with some warm water and use it on her forehead.   I made several trips to the bathroom to refresh the rag.   We kind of had a small bit of humor when I came back with a cooler rag and she moaned briefly that it was too cold.   I apologized and she gave me a smile as I went back to the bathroom to refresh the rag.

We briefly talked and expressed that we loved each other.   As evening drew my Mom started moaning and wouldn't stop.   I tried to reach out to her but she wasn't there and continued to moan.   Tasha came by after work to see us.   She stayed for a little bit but soon became upset seeing my Mom's state and decided to leave.    My Dad came into the bedroom later and she was still moaning. 

She moaned all throughout the night.   I slept on a recliner in the next room and woke up several times throughout the night to check in on her.   Each time she was still moaning.

Later that morning the caretaker came in to take care of my Mom.   I sat in the next room with my Dad.   She told me that Mom was "actively dying".   I had to look it up online to understand what it meant.   She needed my assistance to shift her on the bed.   My Mom was not aware of us in the room and was still moaning with her head tilting to the right.    It was at that point that I lost it and started crying.   I took one hand and cradled it behind her head to straighten her neck and also held the slide sheet.

Our caretaker afterwards was explaining more about "actively dying" saying that my Mom was in her last stage of death and that she could die anytime in the next few days.   It wasn't long after I received the explanation that my Mom suddenly called out and went silent.   We called out to her but she didn't say anything else.   It was then that I realized that my Mom died.

It was a rough period after that.  I reached out to my sisters to let them know what happened.  I made the mistake of calling 911 instead of the hospice nurse and that proved to be a nightmare.   Tasha later reached out to the hospice nurse who came over to declare my Mom's passing and then the funeral home came to take my Mom's lifeless body away.

My Dad is now living with Trina and her husband Donovan.  They were able to break my Dad out of the apartment lease my parents were in and the majority of my parents' items were moved to a storage facility.

It hasn't been easy for my Dad.    He went from living in an apartment to now being in one bedroom.   He has his health issues but he celebrated his 91st birthday this past January.   I'm grateful that he is hanging on and try to keep in touch with him regularly.     In fact I will give him a call right after posting this entry.

More later.