Torn Between Two Lovers

Mary McGregor - Torn Between Two Lovers 

VERSE 1
There are times when a woman has to say what's on her mind
Even though she knows how much it's gonna hurt
Before I say another word let me tell you, I love you
Let me hold you close and say these words as gently as I can

PRE-CHORUS
There's been another man that I've needed and I've loved
But that doesn't mean I love you less
And he knows he can't possess me and he knows he never will
There's this empty place inside of me that he can only fill

REFRAIN
Torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool
Lovin' both of you is breakin' all the rules
Torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool
Lovin' you both is breakin' all the rules

I vaguely remember hearing this old classic when I was growing up in the late 80's and early 90's.   I never really gave it much thought back then.   But it seems to mirror almost perfectly the situation I find myself in.

My main love of course is Dom.  He and I as I've mentioned before do not have sex.    But we have a deeper love for each other in other ways.

My main sexual partner these days has been Anthony.  We've seen each other a few times this past year and he's given me sexual healing.   He's a really nice guy who has been very respectful of my relationship with Dom.   The last couple times we've attempted to hook up has been thwarted, once due to his back and another because Dom insisted I go with him to see his Mom.

I've also of course am reconnected with my original lover Midas.   Even though we haven't had sex since 2011 I find myself still longing for him.   We've met a few times midway between our homes for lunch.   We haven't had sex but I'm not opposed if we go there.

So my birthday is on 10/15.   (Happy Birthday to me!)  I'm turning 52 that day.   It's hard to believe how time is flying by.    Anyway I decided to take that day off from work.   Normally I take the whole week off but there's another long weekend trip that I'm going with Dom to.    We're heading to Reston, VA for one of his doll conventions.   He swears it's his last hurrah trip.   I'm not sure I believe that.   But anyway I still wanted to at least take my birthday off since with the exception of my Amazon days, I told myself that I should not be working on that day.

So my plan was to spend most of the day at my favorite casino.   But with my meetings with Anthony being canceled the last couple times, I was thinking I should spend part of my day with him.   He's retired as a school teacher so I believe unless he has another event, he should be free to meet up tomorrow morning.

But Midas reached out to me last Saturday.   At some point in the conversation he wished me a Happy Birthday and he knew it was coming up in a couple days.   Obviously he probably knew my birthday was coming up from an app that keeps track.    But the fact that he said it made me feel good.

He's been struggling trying to get a job and is trying to keep positive but I know it's been hard for him.   He's been living on money he's inherited from his dad and aunt but he's starting to run out so I know that's heavy on his mind.    Yet he still manages to be so sweet.   He paid for our last lunch even though I was planning on doing so.

I've been thinking I should drive up and meet him at his place.   Of course if I do that, it may lead us down the road to having sex.   And once that door is open who knows where things will go.   But I would be a willing participant.   A part of me is nervous about reopening things potentially.

But then I'm thinking I should try and meet with Anthony.   The next couple weekends will be bad because I have a Church meeting Sunday and then the following weekend is my trip to Reston.   Plus we weren't able to meet the last couple times.   

I need to make a decision sometime today on what to do.  Of course it is possible that neither person I choose will be available that day and my thoughts are all for naught.   The casino of course will always be there to take my money...LOL.   What will I do?

Mama, I Love You

 

Spice Girls - Mama

Verse 1

She used to be my only enemy and never let me be free
Catching me in places that I knew I shouldn't be
Every other day I crossed the line, I didn't mean to be so bad
I never thought you would become the friend I never had

Pre-Chorus

Back then I didn't know why
Why you were misunderstood
So now I see through your eyes
All that you did was love

Refrain

Mama I love you, Mama, I care
Mama I love you, Mama my friend
You're my friend (You're my friend)

Verse 2

I didn't want to hear it then but I'm not ashamed to say it now
Every little thing you said and did was right for me
I've had a lot of time to think about, about the way I used to be
Never had a sense of my responsibility

Repeat Pre-Chorus

Repeat Refrain

Tomorrow, October 2nd, would've been my Mama's 79th birthday.   I was listening to the Spice Girls while working and one of the songs I played was Mama.   While listening to the lyrics I couldn't help but think back to my own Mama.  I had the song on repeat but had to stop it because I didn't want to start crying in the office.

I will say Mama had her way of doing things and she was definitely misunderstood at times.    But as I think back through the years I was blessed to have her in my life, everything she did was out of love for her family.   She really was the sweetest woman in life.   She was stubborn when she felt strongly about something.   There were times we did not agree but I never doubted how much she loved me.

There still isn't a day that goes by that I do not think of her and wonder what she would think of all the things I've gone through since she was called home.   I really do believe that she and Papa are watching over my sisters and I.    And I know that they are celebrating Mama's heavenly birthday together.   I do wish Mama a Happy Heavenly Birthday and I do hope I get to see them again whenever my time is up.

Speaking of birthdays, today former U.S. president Jimmy Carter celebrated his 100th birthday.   Reaching that milestone is definitely an accomplishment for Mr. Carter.    Sadly according to his grandson Jason Carter, the former president seems to be limping along and is nearing the end.   He says that he's not able to talk on the phone and is limited in what he can do.   

I do remember when Papa was nearing the end, he stopped calling on the phone as well.   I would have to reach out to Trina in order to speak to him.  

Jason Carter adds though that he is keeping up with the news.   He also is hopeful that he'll get to vote for Kamala Harris as our next president.   Early voting for his location falls on my birthday 10/15.   Here's hoping that Jimmy Carter lives long enough to get his wish.   There have been times when the human will has allowed some to make it to a certain goal and then once it's reached, they pass away.  I can see that for Mr. Carter.   Actually it was more than a year ago when it was announced that Jimmy Carter was going into hospice.   It seemed like back then that it wouldn't be long but he's defied all the odds.   And now he's officially 100 years old.

Happy Birthday Mr. Carter and Happy Heavenly Birthday Mama  

Layoffs Again

 The company I worked at recently announced that they were closing one of our corporate offices.   A lot of folks from my department worked at this location.   They were told that if they wanted to keep their jobs they would have to agree to relocate to one of three other offices or lose their job and get a severance.   They have until end of October to decide and the office will close by end of November.

I found out about it last Thursday from a former teammate in Indianapolis whose boss works at the affected office.   Financially it makes no sense for a lot of folks to relocate and there's no indication that the company is assisting in paying for relocation expenses.   Actually I'm not sure on the last part since I'm not one of the impacted.    But so far everyone I know that is impacted is not relocating which means they are out of a job.

I was shocked that the affected folks were not given the option to work remotely full-time.   But maybe I shouldn't be surprised since the company has been pushing for everyone to return to the office.    I also found out that some of the impacted that weren't in our department were offered the option to work remote.   I definitely do not understand why some roles were given the option while others weren't.   It's created some hard feelings no doubt among those affected.

This latest layoff news has left me feeling scared and confused.  The last time my company did a layoff I didn't quite reach a year into my employment.   I do know there's no such thing as job security.   I just wonder how much time I have until I get laid off again.   Of course I'm hoping that I have enough time to execute my plan to try and pay off my remaining debt and maybe have something leftover to take care of some things around the house and of course retirement.

It would be nice if I could choose to leave on my terms as opposed to being told I'm no longer needed.   But I know that's not how it works.   I just have to keep the faith that things will work out.   A small price to pay for living the American dream, right?

Running On Fumes

 I made it back from Dreamforce safely in one piece.   It was a surreal experience being there and seeing the sea of folks in attendance.   I worked three different shifts during my time there.   They were long but I pushed through each of them.   For the most part they were fun, even though there was one shift if I had to do it over again I would not choose.   My fellow volunteers in that shift were extremely rude and made me feel unwelcome.   The only thing that got me through it were a couple of nice guys from other booths nearby that took pity on me and came to talk to me and made me more comfortable.   To top it off one of those volunteers wanted me to snap a group picture of them.   After I took the photo, a customer expressed how it was terrible that I made to be left out of the photo.   At first I was trying to diffuse him but the customer was right.   He saw what they did was wrong and wanted to speak up on it.   The final kicker was that two of the folks came up and proceeded to stand by me and talk to each other without even acknowledging I was there.   Luckily it was quitting time and I just rolled my eyes and walked away.  I was glad that nightmare was over.

My hotel was about an hour away from the Moscone Convention Center where Dreamforce was being held.   Day 1 I took the shuttle to the airport and then the BART from the airport to a stop near the convention.   Day 2 I actually had a good Samaritan take me there via his Uber free of charge.   Day 3 I got my own Lyft to go to the event.

It took me some time to figure out where my manager and my other teammates were at different points of the conference.   At the end of each conference day we commuted back to our local office.   On the first night there was an afterparty event not far from the convention center.   My co-workers and I danced the evening away.  I hadn't danced like that in years and I felt every bit of body ache the next two days.

The second night there was a concert at the Oracle Park stadium headlined by the artist Pink.   The crowd was insane though so it was hard to really enjoy it but it was nice to see her perform.   We left a little early to try and beat the crowd though a lot of folks opted to do the same.

The third night my manager's boss hosted a dinner at his family's home outside of Oakland, CA.   It was a nice estate that of course I had to look up on Zillow.    It's current net worth was around $3.7 million dollars.   Someone's living large.

Needless to say with all the late nights, I literally was getting about 3 hours of sleep.   By the third day I felt myself getting a cold.   By the time I got home Friday I had a sore throat and spent the weekend trying to recover from it.

In health news I was happy to see that my PSA and A1C numbers were pretty good.   I also visited the dentist in recent weeks and unfortunately they found a huge cavity in my lower right molar which required a crown.   It took a few visits but I had the crown placed earlier this week.   Unfortunately I have extreme sensitivity in that area when drinking something cold.   But I'm hoping it'll get better.  I have to go back to the dentist again mid-October to repair some old fillings in my lower right jaw that have worn out.   It's my first time since 2020 that I've been to the dentist so I was overdue.

Dom and I have plans to go to Reston, VA for a doll convention he wanted to go to late October.   Eugene also wanted me to visit him in October to watch the new Joker movie that's coming out.   I'll have to see if I'm able to or not.

Dreamforce 24 Bound

 Remember my upcoming work trip in San Francisco I briefly mentioned?   The time is quickly approaching for my flight and I need to pack still.   I will be attending none other than Salesforce's annual Dreamforce conference.    The conference promises to be the largest AI event in the world.   

At my company there's been a push to learn more about AI since some of our customers may have cases related to it.    In relation to the conference my manager mentioned that a few folks may be nominated to attend the conference (all expenses paid).    Imagine my shock when she told me that I would be attending.

But since I would be attending free of charge (well after paying and getting reimbursed), it was expected that I would be volunteering at a few stations and interacting with users of Salesforce.   I will admit the thought of having to do facetime with users is a bit intimidating.   But attending the conference is a once in a lifetime event so I'm ready to take it all in.

So the last time I was in San Francisco was in 2018 when I traveled there for a project at the aviation firm I consulted for.   I wondered why I attended that since my contract was ending less than two weeks afterwards but I went with it.    Like I had a choice...LOL.

San Francisco as a whole seems to be on a huge decline.   It's become more expensive to live there and there's stories of people that have jobs but they're living in their cars because housing prices are outrageous.   The news stories paint San Francisco as a crime-ridden, homeless, and drug addicted oasis.   I will admit the thought of visiting the city is a bit intimidating.

I don't remember feeling that way when I visited in 2014 and twice in 2018 (Dom and I were there together during my first visit staying at one of his friend's home).   I actually do remember my favorite show Half & Half being based in San Francisco and there was an episode where a guy Mona dated was living in his car even though he supposedly had a good job.  That was back in 2003 or 2004.   So San Francisco woes is nothing new.    There was even talk at one point of Salesforce moving their annual Dreamforce conference to a different city due to the huge homeless and drug problem the city has.   Part of the concern was attendees feeling unsafe while in the city.   But in the end Salesforce decided to continue to have their annual event in San Francisco.

So it'll be interesting to see how the city has changed since my last visit.   The plan for me is to work downtown Chicago for most of the day with my luggage in-tact and then take the CTA to O'hare airport so I don't have to pay for parking.   My flight leaves Monday evening and I return to Chicago on Friday afternoon.

Speaking of paying for items, I got my first ever official corporate credit card.   I never had a corporate card at any of my other jobs.    But it was felt to better track expenses associated with my travel and stay in San Francisco that it would make sense to have a card.    I'm glad I have it too since the hotel cost alone is over $1500.   I wasn't relishing putting that on my personal credit card.    Once I head back the plan is to reimburse all expenses associated with the trip so I can pay off the corporate card.

I'm nervous of course but I am looking forward to this next adventure.

The Help

 

I had an interesting encounter yesterday after a rare opportunity to run and grab lunch.   With my line of work, it's hard sometimes to find time to tear away from support issues especially when we have some of the most demanding customers at times.   

So why did I feel like "The Help"?  In going to my office, which is in a downtown high rise building, there are "doormen" who act as watchers before you get in.   Then once you're inside there's a couple stations of front desk workers you have to get by.   Then you have to scan your badge in the turnstile before you can get to the elevators where you have to scan your badge one more time to select your floor.

Working in downtown Chicago is definitely different from working in the Chicago burbs.  In the burbs though I definitely needed my car.   I believe I may have had to scan my ID at the front gate before parking and then scan it once more to get in the building.   It is nice that I don't have to worry about driving to work.

So anyway I decided to pick up lunch to bring back to the office.  I walked to the Ogilvie Train Station which is home to a French Market and other food vendors.   It's a cool area where you can order food and either eat there or take it back to the office.   I had a customer meeting within the hour so I opted to take the food back with me.

I ordered two mini-pot pies (ironic since I'm using Octavia Spencer's photo from The Help carrying her famous "chocolate" pie...LOL) from one of the vendors.   I stopped at another one to pick up some bubble tea.   So my pies were placed in a plastic brown bag and I decided not to pierce the bubble tea with my straw.   I'm walking back and make my way back to my high rise when one of the doormen shouts at me that I'm going in the wrong way.   The doorman whom I've seen before isn't the nicest person either.   There's another one that always takes the time to say good morning as folks enter.   This guy skulks to the side.    He could be socially awkward I suppose.

So he's telling me I need to go through the delivery entry.  I was taken aback but quickly told him that I work in the building.   A second doorman who was different from the one that always greets everyone tried to cover it up by saying he himself was newer.   I guess I can't expect them to remember everyone as there's 1000's of folks that go in and out.   But I literally left the building less than an hour before.   I do think the food in the bag and my unopened drink may have thrown him off.   Plus I was dressed casual.   But that made for an awkward moment.

It doesn't help that the doorman in question was white.   He's actually the only white doorman as well.   I don't think I was stopped because it was race related.    But it adds a potential layer of complexity to the issue.   Anyway it definitely gave me pause.   I may have also had my ID in my pocket.   I'll have to remember to keep it outside my pocket when walking towards the building next time.

Busy Thursday

 This past Thursday found Dom and I on the road again back to Shipshewana, IN.   This time we were going to see a performance by Dom's favorite singer Sandi Patty.   The last time we saw her perform was in 2016 at a venue in Evansville, IN.   I even got a package at that time where we got to see her backstage and take a quick photo.    We had some other plans while in Shipshewana that included stopping at the local grocer there and picking up some frozen goods like their peppered bacon, some boneless chicken breast, and other jellies and jams.

But before heading there we both had errands we needed to do that morning.   I had fasted the night before because I was heading to a lab to draw some blood for various tests including a PSA test that I had wanted to do last year.   Dom needed to take his minivan to a local repair shop to fix the Air Conditioner.   He didn't get paid till Friday so needed me to stay nearby.   

The last time I got blood work done at the specific lab I went to, it took almost two hours before I was done.   So I anticipated it taking just as long.   The plan was for Dom to head over there once I'm close to being done and then I could meet him there.    But you know what they say about plans...LOL.

I did wind up finishing earlier than planned.  While I was in that part of town, I wanted to run a couple more errands.    I needed to get my tires checked to make sure they had enough air before the trip to Shipshewana and my upcoming trip to Detroit (which I'm heading to in another hour after posting this entry).   In addition I needed to get a new toilet seat.   I had just gotten a new seat two or three months ago and the seat decided to crack under pressure when I sat on it.   I've never had a seat crack before.   I know I'm heavier these days but that was a shock.   Granted Dom is a bigger guy himself and of course had sat on it as well.   But it chose to crack when I sat on it...LOL.

Both errands were done and I got home by a little after 9:30am.   I got home and Dom made breakfast for us to enjoy.   Then around 10:30 he quickly put some clothes to get ready for us to head to the repair shop.   The owner of the shop said the repair would take 45 minutes.  Two hours later it was finally done.   We headed back home and Dom needed 30 minutes to shower and freshen up for the trip to Shipshewana.

So we got there around 3:30 PM their time.   I had thought of us doing the grocery stuff first but both of us were hungry by the time we got there so instead ate their famous Blue Gate Restaurant.  We thankfully were seated pretty quickly.   Dinner lasted about an hour.   I decided to check out the restaurant shop while Dom went to use the restroom which takes him a lot longer these days.   He wanted to meet me in the restaurant shop afterwards but since I knew he would take a while, I wound up completing my small purchase, which included some zucchini bread and black raspberry jam.   Yes apparently black raspberries are a thing.   I learned that from Dom a few years back. 

So I waited till Dom was finished and then we headed to Yoder's Meat & Cheese.   By the time we got there it was close to 5pm.   Next door to Yoder's was the Red Barn Shops.   I wanted to check out their tea store to see if they had any Avocado Leaf tea (my latest health kick obsession...LOL).   I decided to walk to the Red Barn Shops while Dom went to Yoder's.    It wasn't long before I found out that the particular tea shop I wanted to go to was closed.   So I left and went back to Yoder's.   I saw the "Closed" sign on the door and wondered where Dom was.   He was waiting inside and directed me to come in.   The store manager was nice enough to let us quickly shop for our items.   Thank goodness too since we had the freezer packs all ready for our haul.   It was a bit of a rush so we didn't have as much time to think about our purchases.   But thankfully we did make some selections.   After paying for our items the store manager escorted us out before locking up.   He asked Dom about the concert we were going to and Dom shared the details.   We both couldn't help but notice how handsome the store manager was.   We definitely wouldn't have minded some three-way action...LOL.

We got to the concert hall about 30 minutes before the show.   There were two other acts that would also be performing.   The opening act was a gospel group called High Road.   Dom and I had seats near the front row since I know he is a big Sandi Patty fan.    So we had a great view of the concert though really there aren't any bad seats.   Overall we both enjoyed High Road.   Of course Sandi Patty was a hit as well.   We got to listen to the other group called The Hoppers that would be coming out to perform after Sandi Patty.   One of the singers looked like a cross between Brendan Fraser and Tom Arnold.   But we opted to leave after Sandi Patty since we had a two hour trip back and I wasn't sure if I was going to the office or not.   Dom had thought about going back to work Friday himself but quickly decided to take that day off.   I also decided to work from home.    Our time-off apparently doesn't count as an office day so I'll have to work 4 days in the office either next week or the week after that.   Fun...LOL.

So after I post this I'll be getting ready to head to Detroit.  My last time visiting my sisters was during Christmas.   It'll be good to see them once more.   The suckiest part is the drive which takes a little over 4 hours (though it takes me slightly longer since I usually make a pitstop at Firekeepers..LOL).   It used to take longer though when I lived in the northwest burbs of Illinois so I am saving a little time.