Blooming Gay

 Dom and I were discussing once again our experiences when we first explored being gay.    It was interesting how our experiences contrasted.   Dom always reported auditioning a cast of 1000's before we finally crossed paths.    My casting number was much lower.    If I think about it, I may have had a cast of 100's if I was lucky.   I did blog over the years about some of that cast.

Part of it of course has to do with physicality.   Dom was a taller, beefier guy at that time with an incredible body.    He has old pics of himself wearing tight leather clothes with his bare chest and abs open.    When he lived in San Francisco, he talked about walking down Castro and being picked up by other guys.

I was a "skinny-fat" gay guy when I was first exploring my attraction.   I rarely socialized and relied more on social sites like Adam4Adam, Bear411, SilverDaddy, and Craigslist to try and meet guys.   And because of my physicality, I had a more challenging time trying to find guys that were into me.

Race no doubt played a part in it as well.   Even though Dom disagrees with me (which when you never had any challenges with meeting guys, how would you know), his being white made it easier to find other guys when that itch hit.   Being black I feel made it harder for me to find connections.   There are a lot of discussions from other gay black men about their experiences in trying to hook up as well as the racism received from white gays.    

What didn't help me as well was when I started exploring my gay side way back in 2002, I found myself living in a townhouse in the Chicago suburbs.   I moved in the Chicago burb of Des Plaines, IL in 1997 and found myself working in another burb of Chicago.   My former work colleague Stan was very much into real estate.    He was always touting about the importance of home ownership in building equity.   He owned several small apartment buildings and homes that he was collecting rent from.   

He encouraged me to buy a home since I was planning to stay in the area for at least 5 years.   Of course I wanted to live somewhere that was near my job.    What I didn't consider was that Stan himself was married with a young child at the time and another on the way a few years later.     I was single and prior to 2002, never had sex with anyone, man or woman.    I was in my mid-20's when it probably made sense to live in the city proper and in an apartment so I could have the flexibility to move when better opportunities came along.

Instead I wound up buying a townhouse in 2000.  Ironically I wound up living in the same burb that Stan and his family lived at.   I found myself being the only black and later gay guy on the block.   My nearest neighbors were relatively nice but I couldn't help but feel out of place there.   I was never really happy.

So I first decided to explore my gay side in 2002.   I had broken up with the one and only girlfriend I had.   I was getting used to the social sites.   I decided for some reason that my first time would need to be with an escort.   I found a muscular Hungarian guy living in the Lakeview neighborhood of Chicago.   I believe we agreed on $150 for our sexual liaison.   The plan was to meet on Halloween 2002.

So I found myself leaving my suburban townhome sometime at 11pm and making the 40 minute or so trek to Lakeview.   Along the way I drove down Irving Park street and couldn't help but notice random folks parading the street in various costumes.

I remember having a hard time finding parking (that's anytime driving in Chicago).   I ended up parking in a small lot around Lake Shore Drive and walking the few blocks to HG's apartment.   To say I was nervous was an understatement.   I was also excited as I anticipated finally losing my virginity.

I vaguely remember HG and I conversing and him expressing disbelief that I was using him as my first experience.   I remember he offered me orange juice.   That may not have been wise but thankfully I wasn't drugged...LOL.   Then he led me to his lair.   I remember us making out and him later using his body to pin me on the bed as he inserted his manhood and fucked me proper.   After we got off, he made it a point to say that we weren't done.    We briefly rested before he started fucking me again.

I remember being very satisfied.   We talked for a bit but I could tell that the time to leave was getting near.    But nonetheless that was my introduction to the gay experience.    I knew then and there, I would not be going back to women.   Not that I really was with any women.   

I remember I had a few other escorts over the years that came to my home.    But aside from escorts, trying to meet guys to date was especially challenging.   If they lived in Chicago, you could forget about it.   One thing about being in Chicago, there are a lot more options out there.   The majority of the guys in the burbs I found were married or partnered which given the cookie cutter homes that were designed for families, made sense.

It wouldn't be until 2006 when I would finally have my first boyfriend in Rock.   I've blogged about him a lot in my old blogger.    He lived in Rockford, IL (hence his nickname Rock) and we managed to last almost two years before I called it quits.   It wasn't the perfect relationship (what is) but it was nice to experience having an actual boyfriend.   I definitely appreciate that time in my life looking back.

So I was completely out of place in my suburban townhome.   I can say I was never really comfortable or happy there.   I was happy when I finally moved out of there after living there 16 years.   I barely broke even when I sold the house.   I had refinanced in the mid 2000's and took out about $20000 in cash that I was hoping to make a good investment on.   I wasted it on stupid penny stocks which wound up going south.    Thankfully my selling price was $37000 higher than my purchase price and covered the loan as well as the cost of fixing the home to put on the market.   I will say I felt like I left there just in the nick of time before Orange started his first term in 2017.

But yeah life is so interesting.   There were some crazy as well as good times.   Everything I went through led me to where I am today so I wouldn't trade a thing.

The Third

 Dom completed part one of his carpal tunnel surgery last Wednesday on his left hand.   The hospital needed to reach out to him prior to confirm on his medications and previous health conditions.    Since he works at school (when he goes), he's not able to answer his phone.   So I had to make time to take the calls in the midst of my work fun.

I felt horrible because I wasn't able to remember every detail of the different surgeries he had and why.  I mistakenly said he had a gall bladder removed when it was actually his appendix.   He also had the turp for his enlarged prostate which led to him post-surgery having blood clots that affected his breathing.   I needed to remember all this and felt frustrated when it didn't come to me right away.   I had remembered the clotting but forgot that happened because of the enlarged prostate surgery.

One of the things I loved about my Mom was her uncanny ability to remember every medication and surgery that my Dad had over the years.   She did this even through dealing with her own health issues with Parkinson's.   I was not measuring up at all.   I love Dom because he was so forgiving of me.

Dom and I started discussing the possibility of having a "younger guy" be part of our family in anticipation of myself eventually having more health issues.   Dom worries he wouldn't be able to take care of me like I have for him.  Of course it would have to be the right person who is there for the correct reasons.   I worry about someone trying to take advantage of the situation.   It would be nice if they exclusively were with us.  If sex is on the table I wonder if Dom would watch us or even participate.    As I've mentioned before, Dom and I haven't had sex in almost eight years.

Where would we find this person?   Are there websites that cater to this kind of arrangement?   I already have a regular thing with Anthony.   But Anthony is around Dom's age and he has his own health issues here and there so he wouldn't be ideal.  Midas falls in the same scenario as Anthony.   He's two years younger than Dom.

Doug would be ideal.  He's a year or two younger than me.  But unfortunately he's shown that he is not dependable at all.    It's going on four years since we last met up.   The times I've tried to meet up with him he claims to be so busy.    Dom and I had some rearranging we wanted to do in the house.  I tried to see if Doug could come over and help with that and by proxy introduce him to Dom.   But he did not commit to a time to do this so my trust in him is broken.    Another strike is that he has a dog and we're not dog people.   

Maxwell, the younger black guy that I met a couple years ago would be a potential.   But he moved to Indianapolis for a job.   So he's out.   But I haven't chatted with him in awhile.   I should message him to see how he's doing.

But is it fair to get a third just for the potential of having someone to be a caretaker?   Is it fair on that person?   Dom and I do not have family nearby as well so we're a bit isolated.    It's a sad situation to think about.   Plus if we get a third person and they live with us, our house needs to be decluttered in a big way so the third would have room for his stuff.  I have some things to get rid of but Dom has the majority of the crap in the house.   The sad thing is the house is pretty spacious with 4 bedrooms and 1 1/2 baths with a semi-finished basement.   But every inch of the house has junk in it.    How is that possible?

I just realized the irony of us talking about a potential third when I mentioned recently about a situation where I was considering being a potential third to another couple.  It does seem to be a more common discussion among gay couples these days.

Hobo-Sexual Season

 I never knew there was a term for a bum that floats from place to place, never having a place of their own.   I learned from Uncle Walter today that it's called being a hobo-sexual.

Apparently the fall season brings out the Hobo-sexuals who promise to pay some rent if you let them move in but most times they end up sleeping on your couch, eating your food, using your water, and not contributing to the rent.    Uncle Walter shared a hilarious story about a text he received from a hobo-sexual who he knows at the gym that needed a place to stay and promised rent.

Most hobo-sexuals use their looks to help get them through the door.    They make all these promises but fall through and then you have to jump through hoops to get them out of your home.   The closest I came to having a hobo living with me was that one guy I briefly dated sometime in 2010 or 2011 (I don't think I blogged about him) that I found out was living with a friend "temporarily" while looking for a job.

I should've ran away soon as I found out but he favored the comedian Kevin James who I had a crush on at that time so I stayed.   The friend he was living with got annoyed with KJ because he still hadn't found a job yet and I imagine the friend was probably annoyed that KJ met me and had me over his apartment.   He did find a job briefly in a sales role but wound up quitting it the next day because he had to take care of some emergency (can't remember what it was).   I remember when KJ told me that, he said "oh yeah, the guy told me I could come back anytime to work again."   I don't think even I believed that one.

The times we did go out I always wound up having to pay for dinner or lunch.   I remember one time we went out he did offer to pay since he said he felt bad I was always paying.    But when he presented the server with his card, the card came back declined.   That was embarrassing.   LOL.

A few weeks later I remembered getting a frantic call from KJ telling me that his friend kicked him out because he still didn't have a job and he asked if he could stay with me.   I have a hard time saying "no" to folks but I told him I'd have to think about it and let him know.   I was a bit torn because I wanted to help him but at the same time I didn't want to be caught in a messy situation.   What if he didn't find anything and then I have a difficult time throwing him out.

 I immediately called Sally first and then Eugene.    Both of them were adamant about me not letting him stay.  I think they would've killed me if I agreed.   That gave me the courage to call KJ and tell him that I couldn't honor his request.   He was disappointed but understood as he continued his journey back to his home state of Kentucky or Ohio.    He called me a few days later and said he was living with his mother and that she was taking care of his finances.   

As I'm reminiscing about my time with KJ, I do sincerely hope after all these years that he was able to get his life together.   Maybe he's a millionaire now and I totally missed out.  LOL.   Guess I'll never know.

Thankfully that was the only time I recall I found myself almost in a hobo-sexual situation.   Uncle Walter had me cracking up with how the hobo-sexual whether male or female, use their attractiveness to try and find shelter and never seem to have anything going for themselves other than their looks.   I could never imagine living my life that way.   Well my parents taught me early on to work on being self-sufficient and I took those lessons to heart.   The hobo-sexual either never got that lesson or chose to ignore it.

 Anyway let this post serve as a warning.   Watch out for the hobo-sexual.   Don't let him or her move in with you (even if they provide good sex).   You'll regret it later.    This ends the public service announcement.  LOL

Hating On The X

 I'll have to get back to more meaningful posts.   Actually I'm having a new life experience that is in the near horizon.    Something I never thought I would ever have happen to me.   I may have hinted about in previous posts.    But I'll share more later.

In the meantime this song that popped up during the credits of a show called The Chi (which by the way I can't believe this show is still on the air with their 5th season but then again I'm watching it so there you go...*LOL*) had me cracking up.   As you can tell from the title, it has to do with an ex.    I only have two official exes and thankfully I don't hate either of them.   I don't believe they hate me...*LOL*.   I doubt we even think about each other.   The most I thought about them is due to this post.   Actually it's amazing in my almost 50 years of living, I've only had three serious relationships.   Though it wasn't from lack of trying as my blog entries over the last almost two decades can attest to.  

But anyway this song titled 'Hate My Ex' had me rolling of the floor laughing though some of the lyrics are quite savage.   But it was the delivery that had me cracking up.    To keep up with current times, part of the lyrics mentioned hoping the ex catches "Corona".   They also berate most of their ex's family members and savagely adds "I hope when you get on a scale, it asks if you are a whale"... OUCH!   Now while I don't hate my exes, some of the losers I've befriended, dated and/or hooked up with over the years I definitely wouldn't mind dedicating this song to them.     Anyway it's my latest eargasm so I thought I'd share it on here.    See ya on the next post.

Open Sesame

Almost seven years ago I mentioned meeting a guy I nicknamed Dom.   I had met him around the tail end of some health issues I was dealing with at the time.   So fast forward to present day and wouldn't you know it, we're still together.   He's officially my longest relationship to date.

Sally and I had talked about it and she made the observation that Dom came at the right time.   She was my emergency contact and go-to-person for any issues I needed help with.   We were there for each other for over 20 years at that time.   She met Dom weeks before leaving Chicago permanently mid-November 2014.   She and Dom (and I) had great conversation and later she told me privately that she "approved of this union"...LOL.

With Sally leaving for Alabama I would no longer have her around.   She was hopeful that Dom would fill that void.   Dom of course won't take her place but he has proven himself time and time again.

It's been quite the road getting to where we are today.   If I'm being honest I came to visit him more times than he came to me at the beginning of our relationship..    I remember Eugene pointing that out to me a few times.   He's all about the 50/50 which definitely is the ideal way things should go.   But unfortunately it doesn't always go that way.

I did enjoy visiting him even though within hours of getting to his place, I would get the worst allergy.  I would have fits of sneezing and my nose would become very stuffed.  It would clear up once I got back home.   Despite that I liked the neighborhood that Dom was in.   The best part was that he was only a mile or two away from Lake Michigan.   

In contrast I was not happy where I was living.   I wasn't happy for a long time.   I would've moved years back but the housing market took a turn for the worst in 2008.    I was a double minority in a 99% Caucasian block.   I did have nice neighbors including an elderly couple that lived directly across from me.    But when I participated in a block party a year or two back (2012), I definitely was made to feel unwelcome by some on the block.   Sally actually came out to support me and I remember clearly she tried to introduce herself to one neighbor who proceeded to ignore her.   I was livid.   It reminded me that I needed to get out.    So it felt nice to get away from home temporarily as I was racking up the miles.

I didn't go every weekend though.   I stayed in my neck of the woods one or two weekends a month.   I could count on one hand the number of times Dom visited my place in the almost two years I remained there.   But that really didn't bother me.

As we got to know each other there were issues that tested whether we'd continue or not.   The first issue was kids or no kids.   At the time I had wanted to have a couple kids but I didn't relish the thought of doing it alone.    Dom was (and still is obviously) eight years older than me and stated he had no desire to have children.   He was a school teacher and felt that was the closest he wanted to be to being around kids.   Basically he physically felt too old at 50 years old to be caring for a newborn.   It was fair.    I had to decide whether or not that would be a deal breaker.   

One of the things I felt guilty about was my parents not having any grandchildren from my sisters and I.   Neither of my sisters were able to (or wanted in Trina's case) have kids.   I felt like I was the last hope to keep our line of the family alive.   But I didn't really have a strong desire for kids.   Just thinking of all the crazy things kids had to deal with at that time turned me off.    It was more of a nice to have.    At the end of the day I had to realize that I shouldn't have a kid because I felt guilty (which actually I still do feel guilty about it to this day...but it's not as bad as I felt years back).    So at the end of day I accepted that Dom and I would just be Dom and I.   Incidentally he has a nephew and several nieces by his sisters so at least he got to be the cool gay Uncle (though he lamented that he didn't get to spend as much time with them as he could've since he was in the military and lived overseas during their formative years).

As an aside I remember when I was dating Rock, he and I having that same conversation about kids.    I believe he was 42 at the time and he was adamant about not having kids and that it was too late for him.   I tried to convince him otherwise but he wasn't going for it.    I wanted to tell him just because his Mom had him at 19 doesn't mean that he's late.    But I don't think that would've went well...*LOL*.   I was almost thinking had our relationship survived its other issues and a kid was in the picture, he or she would be at least 10 years old.    But with everything that happened to me jobwise in recent years, it's probably for the best I don't have any extra mouths to feed.

So back to Dom.   Another issue that crept up from time to time was our difference in finances.    At the time I was making over twice as much income as he did.   As an aside it's a shame that teachers are paid so low in this country.    The difference in income made Dom feel insecure.   There were occasions where he would blurt out that I should be dating another friend of his because he makes more money than he does.  I really didn't know how to respond to that one.  He also would tell me that he's not taking advantage of me.   I never felt he did.   In fact he always would push back on going to expensive restaurants.    One interesting thing is the few times we went to pricier places, the wait staff would always present the check to him.    I don't know if it was an age or race thing (yes he's white...*LOL*).   There were even some occasions where I notice the wait staff would address him only and ignore me.  Needless to say those wait staff got reduced tips at the end of the evening.

So because Dom didn't make a lot of money it irked me how Dom would spend his money.   Issue #3.  He's an avid doll collector that is constantly buying dolls and clothes and other accessories for them.   In fact when we first dated, I was introduced to his doll room which literally was filled with wall to wall dolls (with lots more in boxes).   He also had dolls in other parts of the house.   It was scary and honestly I almost decided not to pursue him because of it.   On the flip side, he never really thought about saving money.   He didn't even contribute to a retirement plan at work.    He complained of course that he wasn't making a lot and almost all of it was going to his "hobby".   I was trying to encourage him to save but he blasted me saying it was easy for me to do because I made way more money than him.   But I told him it doesn't matter what you make, it's what you keep.   He is right that it's definitely harder to save when you're not making a lot (I can really relate now...*LOL*) but even if he could save $5 a week in a savings account, in a year that would be $260.   And yes that's not a lot when you think of all the emergencies that could happen but it's better than nothing.    Thankfully he's gotten better over the years and we even have a tiny savings account funded from his paycheck.   Plus he's finally contributing to a retirement account.   Thankfully he got a bit of a raise moving to another school which has helped as well.    The doll thing is still ugggh but even that has been a little less.   Could go down more...*LOL*.

So I mentioned earlier that I could count on my one hand the number of times Dom visited me at my old place.   That's because I officially sold my house in late 2016 and moved to Gary to live with Dom in a bigger house.    There was no way I could live in his old place since there would be no room for my stuff.   Not to mention the allergies that would flair up every time I stayed there.    So we've been living together for over 5 years now.   How time flies.

So another issue came into play less than a year after we moved in together.   Dom was diagnosed with diabetes.   Also he lost his desire to have sex.   It was at this time he decided to mention that his Dad lost interest in sex around the same age as he did.  I admit that I felt a bit resentful as I never imagined being in a sexless relationship.   I figured the sex would diminish over time but didn't expect it to completely stop.   Since I still have desires, we decided to have an open relationship though pretty much it's only open on my end.    If you had told me ten years ago that I'd end up in an open relationship, I would've not believed it.

I do love Dom though and can't imagine my life without him.   In all honesty I don't really need a lot of sex these days myself.    Once or twice a week would do me fine.   Dom and I are still very affectionate with each other which is a good thing.   If that was gone as well I would definitely have to reconsider the relationship.

Unfortunately for me though since I have a desire for sex, I still frequent the social networking sites trying to find compatible people.    It seems even more challenging then it was when I first was exploring my sexual attraction to guys in 2002.   Maybe another time I'll be inclined to share more.

Interestingly enough I still talk to Midas.   We are definitely more friends now.   We periodically text and chat.   He too recently was laid off from his job and has been trying to figure out his next move. The last time we had sex was in 2011 so yeah it's been nearly ten years.   I'm not going to lie though.   I've thought of hooking up with him again but I don't necessarily want to go back down that road again.    Midas of course is a bit older but it doesn't seem like his horndog ways have slowed down.   Well at least he talks a good game.

This COV-ID mess has definitely put a damper on things sexually though I have still had some meetups.   But it would be great to find one or two guys I can have a regular thing with that understands that I'm not leaving Dom.   Hemingway, that's all I have for now.

It's Still There.

Happy 2015 over three months later.     Just wanted to pop in for a real quick update.

My relationship with Dom is still going strong almost seven months later.    We definitely seem to still enjoy each other's company.    We've both talked about meeting each other's families.   Summertime will probably be the best bet for that since he'll be done with his school year.   Speaking of which he's in the market for a new teaching position as the kids where he teaches at are a bit too extra.    Only thing he's a bit of a procrastinator, something else we both have in common...*LOL*.   He needs to get cracking on filling out apps.    It doesn't sound like it's as intense as Eugene's college gig though, which from what he told me you have to interview at least a year before your start date to get in any college.   Eugene of course was questioning why Dom wasn't looking sooner.  

One thing I've learned from my last relationship with ex-Rock is to be careful not to share everything with Eugene about my relationship.   I'm careful to not mention things to Dom that Eugene said about him.   That got me in trouble with ex-Rock and it got to the point whenever I had an issue with ex-Rock to discuss, he kept thinking Eugene was the catalyst behind it (as opposed to me having my own thoughts).

I'm visiting my folks this week.   They have their usual health issues but are otherwise okay.    My Dad messed up the front bumper of his car today backing out of a parking spot at his dentist office.     He hit something that he couldn't quite see and it pulled out a small corner of his bumper.     Thankfully my brother in law (Tasha's hubby) has a brother that repairs cars so hopefully he'll be able to fix my Dad's.   Incidentally my Dad had the genius idea to put a rear spoiler on the car as well after seeing someone else in the complex with a similar spoiler.   I ordered a spoiler for him months back that he hasn't installed so maybe he can kill two birds with one stone.    We'll see.

They say whatever you post on the internet never truly goes away.    I wasn't so sure that was the case when my former favorite TV show discussion board, TelevisionWithoutPity, went buh-bye.    A lot of posters moved to another TV forum board called Previously TV.

Anyway I was watching on Netflix the series Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt last week and wanted to see what other folks thought of the episode.    Sadly the show was in the news due to the death of a plastic surgeon that a character on the show was loosely based on.    I don't nearly post as much as I used to.    There was this one show I really, really liked that I posted a lot on.    I even named my first blog after it.    But once TWoP went bye, all the threads were gone, including the very exciting discussions I along with a group of other forum members had on the show.    The discussions got heated at times but for the most part everyone was somewhat respectful.    Every now and then I enjoyed going on the thread long after the show was unfairly canceled just to relive those days.    

Anyway someone on the new forum posted a link to TWoP's archive board for My Name Is Earl.   It didn't take long for me to search through the archives and find the thread for my beloved Half & Half.   My life is now complete as I pour through the archives to relive the discussions.

Life is good...LOL!

Forking Forward

As I mentioned in my last post I had a follow up appointment with my anal specialist.   The specialist wound up moving to another practice in Chicago so at first I was going to go with another specialist in the same practice.   But when I called to confirm if the new specialist was going to do an anal pap smear, the nurse suggested I go to my original specialist in Chicago.     Anal pap smears aren't being done in a lot of places and I really didn't want to have another high resolution anoscopy to check for abnormalities as that would require being put under and several days of recovery.    So I wound up going to my original specialist at his new practice.

The anal pap smear went well and I got the best news possible.    There were no more abnormalities found and that I just have to follow up again in a year.     I was definitely relieved at the news.

Around that same time I had a quick email chat with a new guy.   Actually Dom wasn't all that new.   I tried chatting with him two years back but he didn't follow up with me.    So in early September he sent me a couple compliments on my pics but recalling how it went back then, I didn't respond right away.    When I did get back to him, I kept it short and simple.

So Dom is the organist for a local GLBTQ church in Gary, IN.  So yeah he lives an hour and some change from me currently.    He invited me to his church to check it out and to meet him afterwards.    That went well.   We seemed to have an instant connection.   He lives not too far from the lakefront so after service we walked there.    He took several opportunities to kiss me along the lakefront.    He stated his particular area was considered gay friendly and while he's not a full on PDA type of person, he does like sneaking in kisses here and there.    And I really did enjoy our kisses.    We went back to his place (against his rules) and spent a nice afternoon there before I took off.

Later that week his church was having its first movie night so he invited me to that.   I wound up spending the night with him.   Subsequently we've been seeing each other several more times and even most of the congregation at his church seemed to take a liking to me.    It's going on a month and a half since our first meeting.   

So Dom and I agreed that we should take our time getting to know each other before committing.   One thing he has going for him is that we've met more times than I've had with any other guy since ending things with Rock in 2008.    That's actually kind of sad but my luck with guys have been really shitty.

I've had to adjust to the concept of going to church regularly again, something I haven't done in years.    It's not that I don't believe in God but I've of course been used to not going regularly.   Also it's a small church and he goes an hour and a half early so I've had to go early too (since we're not at that stage yet where he's comfortable leaving me alone at his place).    It's a little awkward at times interacting with the congregation cause some of course keep inquiring on where Dom and I stand, which is really none of their business but in a way since Dom includes me in his church activities, it is.    He's bought past dates to meet him at his service as well.   It's a bit atypical but since he's a school teacher and goes to bed early, he really has limited time to interact with dates so he tells them up front that church is a big part of his life and anyone who wants to be with him, will have to understand that.

Also Dom is coming into my life on the tail end of my health issues.   I've told him about my HPV and how thankfully everything is clear now (even though it's likely dormant in my system).    But he hasn't been there through my surgeries and recovery.    I hope I don't have any recurrences or another abnormal pap smear but if I do, will he be there or will he freak out and run away?

So many questions which is why I'm glad we're taking our time and getting to know each other, even though we've hit home base a couple times already.   I know it's bad but it was so good...*LOL*.

The Fork In E's Road

Wow...time really has gone so fast.   It's been a crazy year dealing with some personal health issues as well as those of my parents.    Since my last entry, my parents have had their home shot at, my Mom had a breakdown as the result of said shooting, and after over 36 years of living in their home, they finally downgraded to a smaller 2 bedroom senior living apartment.   They officially moved there a few days before Christmas 2013.    Somehow they managed to move almost 9 bedrooms of stuff into the unit, so it's quite cluttered.   At least though they are in a somewhat safer environment.

I myself had to deal with some minor outpatient procedures for anal dysplasia a few times last year and this year due to an occurrence and recurrence of anal warts, which I first discovered in February 2013 but didn't talk about prior to now.    It's an embarrassing thing to happen but is actually quite common.    They say anywhere from 50% to 80% of sexually active persons gets HPV so I'm not alone.    The procedure itself lasts about 15 - 20 minutes and you're knocked out so you have no idea what's going on.   But you definitely feel the pain for several days afterwards and that first bowel movement, post surgery, let's just say, it's a mother.

I haven't had a recurrence of the warts since June 2013 but unfortunately last February I was found to still have abnormal cells in my anal area, which they call anal dysplasia and had to have a procedure last March to remove them.    I have a six month follow up at the end of the month where they will do an anal pap smear to see if there's still abnormal cells.    If there are, unfortunately I'll have to have yet another outpatient procedure to remove them.    I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's not the case.

My friend Sally, who's had her own trials and turbulations over the years, was there for me during all three of my outpatient procedures to take me to the hospital.   I'm grateful for her as outside of her, my friend Eugene, and my sisters Tasha and Trina, I haven't shared with anyone extensively about my health issue...till now.

Now that I shared all that...*LOL*.

My dating life has completely sucked, partially due to my situation, but mostly due to the assholes I'm unfortunately drawn to.   I'm at the point now I'm wondering if I may be better off moving to a different state to start over.    Though yes I know assholes are everywhere...*LOL*.

I do know that I'm ready to get the hell out of my townhome that I'm living in now.    I've wanted to move for years but didn't due to the economy.   Thankfully I've had my job (yeah the same one I've been talking about getting away from...*LOL*) for over 17 years now which has helped keep me afloat.    But I'm so ready to make a change and move elsewhere.    My new next door neighbor, who I think is on the DL, is a total dick.   He got off on the wrong foot when the first words out of his mouth after introducing himself to me was if he could store some stuff in my garage.    Since then we've pretty much been ignoring each other when we happen to be outside at same time.   Worse yet another new neighbor decided this year to organize a block party which made me realize as the only double minority how out of place I really am on the block.   Most of my neighbors across from me are cordial but there were definitely a few dicks and dickettes that I could do without.   In fact next year I think I'll go out of town.

In all honesty though I wanted to move a while ago so the recent incidents just added more fuel to that fire.   I haven't been happy living here for a long time.    I'm looking now to fix up the place so I can get it on the market hopefully by 2015 or 2016 but trying not to spend too much since I likely won't get a lot back.

For now I do want to move more eastward closer to the city and hopefully to a more diverse area where I'm not the only black or gay person.   But I'm contemplating whether I should downsize and move back to an apartment.    I mean I'm gonna be 42 in October.   I don't have any kids and probably won't at the rate I'm going.    What's the point of having a house, especially since I don't really use the deck and I'm not fond of gardening.   Plus it's annoying having to pay for all repairs.

Also I'm thinking I may want to move out of Illinois and if I do, I don't want to be tied to a house since it'll take longer to unload.    The "American Dream" of owning a home I've learned is really the "American Nightmare".  

I have a lot to think about.  I don't even know where I want to go.   A part of me don't want to live much further from my parents (currently 5 hours away) though I have to balance that with needing to live my own life.   I've thought of Toronto, Vancouver (though I've never been...*LOL*), Atlanta, and even good ol' Charlotte again.   Of course I'll have to find a job before moving and that in itself is a challenge.

Yes life is a trip.    But it goes on and on and hopefully I'll find time to keep this updated.

Great Date

It's been awhile since I've spoken about dating.   I haven't had much luck lately in that department.   It's been so bad I haven't wanted to talk about it at all.   But tonight I actually met a great guy and for once things went well and we're even talking about getting together again.    Best thing is that we didn't fool around since we met in a neutral location.    Indy and I first met via one of my social networking sites and hit it right off.    We've been texting on and off for nearly four days before deciding to meet on the 19th.

It so happen I was meeting my old friend Grafinia to hang out after not seeing her in ages.   She's happily married and we both took a half day at our respective jobs to basically hang out.   We went to this downtown Chicago hotspot called Havana and shared a pitcher of Mojito.     I mentioned that I was meeting Indy a little later and she walked down with me to meet him to satisfy her curiosity. 

It's been a while since I had a great date that I actually wouldn't mind seeing again.   We texted some more after parting ways so hopefully that's a good sign.    We talked about getting together again next week so we shall see.

Stay tuned.

Someday He'll Come

It's been a very frustrating time for me in the love life department since I broke up with Rock years back.   I admit there are times when I wonder if I should've stuck it out a little longer there.    But when I think back on the things I went through with Rock, both good and bad, I'm pretty sure I made the right decision to end it.  

But it's been so crazy trying to find suitable guys for dating that meet my criteria and at the same time have an interest in me.    Even trying to do the friends with benefits thing has left me unfulfilled.     The bad thing about the FWB thing is that sometimes you catch feelings for the other person.    But when they're not at that same level and will likely never get there, it leads to disappointment.

Lately I've been running into guys that sound good on paper but when you try to connect with them, the evasion games begin.   Granted about three or four of them lived in other states.   I don't know what it is about me and long distance attempts.   I can never seem to find a guy near me and since I live in the burbs even if I do find one, the challenge is finding one willing to commute to me.

The scenario ends up that I'm the one trying to keep the conversations going and when I stop talking they stop talking.   The worst thing is you can't complain about it because as I blogged about before, if you bitch about it, you're being too dramatic or so sensitive.   Push them to suggest a meeting date and they tell you that you're going too fast (even if you have no intentions of sex).

I'm so sick and tired of being single.   Of course if I ever am in a relationship again, I'll probably then say I wish I were single.   LOL...always pining for what you don't have.

But I guess I can't give up.  Interestingly enough I may have some summer intrigue close to home.    My former neighbor who has had her house in the market for over four years finally found a buyer.    And one of my nosey neighbors across the street made a point to tell me that he's single and drives a Harley Davidson.   Of course in my fantasies I imagine he's a stud and it'll be magical when we finally meet.

But yes I know it's a fantasy.    But sometimes reality is stranger than fiction.    Who knows...maybe my prince will come and live next door to me.    Yeah right.

But in the meantime I close out with En Vogue's rendition of Someday My Prince Will Come.   Cindy tears this song up and gets strong support from the other ladies.    Maybe someday my prince will come.    But if he doesn't it'll have to be okay.

Commit Yourself

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

One good thing about the new year is that you can get away with saying Happy New Year even if it's a week or two past the 1st.    Other holidays you pretty much only have that day and then folks look at you weird if you say Happy Thanksgiving in March.

I can't believe another year is upon us.    I rung in the New Year with a hot hookup.   So I guess that means I'll end the year with a hot hookup.   *LOL*.   Of course I do want more.   But I'm getting to the point now that I feel like I'm pretty much going to be single for my remaining time on Earth.   And if I am so be it.    I still would love to have a child even if it means raising him or her alone.   I just have to figure out how to go about doing it.

I was surprised to see my ex Rock's number show up on my caller ID a few weeks back.   I decided not to answer hoping he would leave a message.    But he didn't.    So it's almost like he's putting the burden on me to commit myself to call him since he didn't commit himself to leave a message.   I get he may be afraid to leave a message for risk that I don't call him back anyway but if he's sincerely trying to get in contact, he shouldn't be afraid to put himself out there.   I mean, commit himself.   Take a freaking risk.   While I don't think we would get back together, I would be fine with truly being friends with him.    He did the exact same thing almost a year ago with the random call and no message.    He could've been drunk dialing me for all I know.

I had a good visit with the family over the holiday.   My Dad was my Secret Santa and wound up giving me $100.   With everything he's gone through health wise this past year and still today, I was understanding.   Plus who couldn't use the money (though I blew most of it at a casino...bad boy I know...*LOL*).    It makes for some interesting dynamics adding my sisters' boyfriend and fiance to the Secret Santa mix.    Tasha's boyfriend had my Dad's name and wound up getting him some DVDs on train travel.   His reasoning given was that he recalled my Dad talking about wishing he could travel more and how he enjoys traveling by train, hence his gift.    While my Dad wound up not being too crazy about the DVDs (he said it was literally a film of a camera on a train looking out the window with no narration whatsoever and there were 10 in the set), the thought process behind the gift was cool.    My younger sister Trina's fiance got lucky and had Trina's name so he got her some boots likely from where they both work.    But I can imagine the interesting dynamics if he had to get a gift for my Mom, who to this day is not fond of him.     Or even if my Mom had to get a gift for him.  

But it was me who wound up choosing my younger sister's fiance's name for the second year in a row.   In talking with Trina last year, she mentioned his love for pool.    So inspired by that I thought I would get him a personalized plaque with his name on it establishing a room in his house as his pool area.    I found a company online that I thought would be able to send the gift in time.    They mentioned the 13th of December being the drop dead date when personalized gifts could be guaranteed for a December 23rd delivery.  

Since I knew on the 23rd I would be in Detroit, I decided to have the shipping address be my parent's house.    The company promised once the personalized gift was done, they would send me a tracking number so I can track the package.   It was getting close to the 22nd and I never got a tracking number.   I wanted to call them but it was the morning of my fun train ride to Detroit so I didn't get to contact them till the 23rd.   I called their main number during their so-called business hours and nobody picked up, claiming their associates were busy with other calls, which wasn't true because it kept taking me to their voicemail.   I sent a couple emails with no response either.

Fearing the worst I decided I needed to run to the mall and get a gift.   But only thing I really didn't know what to get.   But fate directed me to JCPenney's at Oakland Mall and I saw that they had a mini-pool table about the length and width of a large size briefcase on sale for 50% off.   I immediately grabbed it and he seemed to like it, of course telling me that I must've talked to Trina.    I wanted to say that I was clairvoyant and just knew but I copped to getting the idea from her.

Luckily I finally heard back from the company on the 27th.   They blamed the vendor for not getting the information for the plaque so effectively not working on it.    So they gave me the option to either have the vendor go ahead with the order or give me a refund.   I opted for the refund.

So gifts aside I did the usual errand running for my parents.    Took my Dad to his weekly blood checkup and to get his new bifocals.    I took my Mom grocery shopping and hitting her favorite spots of CVS and Walgreen's.  

I got to hang with Eugene for a couple hours at the local coffee spot shooting the breeze as well.   He himself had some family drama that he was getting away from.   His younger sister lost her job due to the principal holding a grudge against her that started when she made a complaint about the conditions of her classroom.   But he's hopeful that his sister will find something since she was teaching technology at her old job.  His oldest sister in the meantime had a nervous breakdown.   She was stressed out from losing her job a year back and feeling pressure from everyone.   Eugene himself has found a new teaching job at a different university in Boston after years of dealing with not even having his own office like the rest of the faculty and the bad politics in his department.    It was a bit of a stressful time for him in general.

I even had time to sneak out for a date with a hot older guy (he's 55) from Windsor for lunch at this place called Anita's Kitchen.    He crossed the border to Detroit since I didn't have my passport with me.   Not that I would have time to cross to Windsor even if I did.     He told me he has three kids from a previous marriage all grown, the youngest one living in Amsterdam while on some school study program.   He himself has his own private law firm.    We ended the date with a steamy kiss standing by his car.    It was a bit surreal since we weren't in a gay part of Detroit (I'm not even familiar where that is.).   But he went for it and I didn't push back.   I even reached over for seconds and thirds.   Years ago I would've freaked out on who saw me.   I've progressed somewhat.   So we agreed that I would have to make plans to visit him in Windsor.   So I'll definitely have to do that.

Tasha also invited me to hang out with her for a bit.   I went to her house after my date (and after picking up a few items for my Mom and Dad).   I was greeted by her dogs, well one of them was ready to attack but she's a cute short dog so she can't do much damage, and her boyfriend who was at the house.   She wanted to take me out for a late lunch but I was so full from eating at Anita's Kitchen earlier from my date that I really didn't want to eat.   But since she was hungry we decided on the local Olive Garden.   So we were just talking about general stuff, nothing really significant that I could remember.   We both agreed that somehow we'd have to work on finding somewhere smaller for our parents to live.    For the next few months anyway, we would lose our biggest advocate for the fight, my younger sis Trina.    Her focus is on making plans for her wedding in May.    It'll be interesting to see more of his side of the family since ours is so small.

So all in all it was a good trip.   Coming back to Chicago was a different story.

Disappearing Acts

Shalamar - Disappearing Act



Verse 1:
I never shoulda let you in my heart and that's a fact
Cause you gave me your love followed by a disappearing act
An illusion of love
That's all you were right from the start
Those promises in the dark 
Don't matter if you were just playing
Your magic touch really knocked me out
But like Houdini you were gone when I came around
Oh baby!

Verse 2:
I never shoulda let you in my heart and that's a fact 
Cause you gave me your love followed by a disappearing act
I got myself to blame 
I should know enough to come in out of the rain
You led me to believe that our need for love was one and the same
Hook, line, and sinker I bought your act
You had me too involved before I knew all the facts
Your words they left me mesmerized
You fed me lies and I swallowed every line
Oh baby!

Refrain:
I never shoulda let you in my heart and that's a fact
Cause you gave me your love followed by a disappearing act
I gotta find the part of my soul that you attract
What keeps me around is trying to solve your disappearing act

Bridge:
First your love puts my head in the clouds
Once you're sure that my life is in a tailspin
Then you're gone like the wind (te hee yeah!)

(Disappearing Act!) - repeat 5 times

Bridge 2:
Hook, line, and sinker I bought your act
You had me too involved before I knew all the facts
Your words they left me mesmerized
You fed me lies and I swallowed every line

Refrain 2:
I never shoulda let you in my heart and that's a fact
Cause you gave me your love followed by a disappearing act

Ad libs:
Yes you did
(Disappearing Act!) 
But that's alright uh-huh
But you're gone like the wind
(Disappearing Act!) 
(Disappearing Act!) 
I gotta find the part of my soul that you attract
What keeps me around is trying to solve your disappearing act
I never shoulda let you in my heart and that's a fact
Cause you gave me your love followed by a disappearing act
Cause you're gone
Gone like the wind
Gone like the wind

(Disappearing Act!) - repeat till fade

Why is it when it comes time to pay the piper the guy always disappears.    It isn't a new phenomenon for me.    How it goes is you chat with a guy and you think things are going well.   So inevitably you set up a date for meeting.   But then when you try to find the guy to firm up on plans, he's nowhere to be found.    It seems to be happening to me a lot lately.    It's annoying to say the least.

I wish men would grow up already.   But then again there's that whole grass is always greener on the other side equation in play.   While a guy may promise one person to meet he may really want to meet another.   I guess that's why you can't take anything a guy says seriously.

And what's worse you can't be angry about it because you really don't know the person.   Confront them and they will say that you're being too dramatic and that outburst will give them  reason to tell you 'have a nice life'.    And that is exactly what they want.   To put the blame on you even though they are the ones that are in the wrong.

I'm so sick of the bull.    But not much you can do.

Something Old

So hope you guys enjoyed reading that last entry.   I unfortunately had the pleasure of visiting a dud restroom at a banquet hall last night that if this atrocity was at a casino would've been rated quite lowly by the "Straightflush" experts.    The urinals were three tiny units all close together for maximum penis viewing, which in my case might've been pleasurable depending on the guy behind the penis.  Rimshot.  (HA!)    To access the urinals you had to get around the giant sinks.   I wish going to the urinal was all I had to do.   I sadly was shooting for a different number and there was only one toilet in the bathroom.   It wasn't occupied but it had some lovely drop deposits from previous visitors.   I grimaced as I spent ten minutes wiping and putting at least 10 layers of toilet paper on the seat.    In the meantime I heard guys coming in some wanting to hit the toilet.   To make things less pleasant, I was courtesy flushing away, which of course meant my ass was exposed to the nasty water.   The dryer for the hands was next to the door for the stall which made for more awkward moments for me as I was bombing away.   It wasn't a pleasant experience at all.   I shouldn't have drank that 7-Up or partake in all the tasty desserts.  

E final ratings:
Number #1 overall  - 3 stars
Number #2 overall  - 2 stars (only cause at least there wasn't crap in the toilet)

Okay...now that I got that out of the way.

Sally invited me as a guest to her holiday party at the earlier mentioned banquet hall.   It was interesting seeing her co-workers in various states of dress.   A lot of the women really dolled it up and the guys for the most part were appreciative.   The men in the meantime ranged from wearing pimp wear to business casual.

There were a few pieces of eye candy for me but this one bearish type guy sitting in the next table caught my eye.   He didn't know I was alive of course.   Sally caught me staring at him and told me he was a loser.   I told her I would only be interested in a quick romp Hemingway.   Turns out he's a manager that works in her department that also moonlights as a bouncer at some straight bar and is actually straight.    I noticed how he walked by where Sally and I were sitting three different times without saying anything to Sally.    In my dreams he was checking me out on the side.    Hopefully he didn't follow me in the bathroom since he would've heard more than he was bargained for.   *LOL*....sorry I went there again.

Hemingway they say that if you don't learn from history that you're doomed to repeat it.    They also say that life is too short and to live each day like it's your last.    I always wonder who the elusive 'they' is.    Also is the same 'theys' that coined each phrase.    Guess we'll never know.    But that doesn't stop the things that happen in our lives.

So I'm logging onto one of my "social networking sites" last Friday night.    No date for me par the course and unfortunately Ryan turned out to be yet another dud.    I guess he wasn't comfortable outside the virtual confines of texting.    So I'm just half looking at profiles when I get an email from a blast from the past.   Winifred who I first chatted with in 2005 saw me and shot me an email.  

He remembered my face but not quite my name.   I remembered his (of course).   I had to recall what happened back then.   Aside from my entries where I was juggling him with another a-hole, we did meet three separate times.   The last one I recalled went nowhere when I wanted to get to know him more but he was looking for more of a quick hit.   Which actually we never did (amazingingly...*LOL*).   To clarify we didn't go all the way.

So of course he doesn't remember why we lost contact but he told me that we should keep in touch.   I told him sure.   I'm sure it'll go the way of all my other encounters with guys.   But one can never tell.

Virtual Comfort

Eugene was telling me about a guy that he has been emailing back and forth with from one of his social networking sites.   They seemed to be getting along well.   So they exchanged numbers.    Then they began texting.    After a few days of texting back and forth, Eugene sent a message saying that they should actually talk on the phone sometime.    He didn't get a text response to that suggestion.

The next day Eugene decides to call anyway.   The guy doesn't answer.

I admit there is a comfort level in using technology as a buffer in communication.   I'm guilty of doing that as well, especially if I'm not sure I want to take things further with a particular guy.    Also there is the fear that an actual conversation may not last as long talking as it does texting.     And then the other guy would lose interest completely.

Eugene raised the possibility that maybe the guy didn't want to talk on the phone because he wasn't truthful about some aspect of his life.    Maybe he's seeing someone and can't talk.    Maybe he's a she.   *LOL*

Ryan and I are at a similar virtual impasse.   We've been texting for close to a week though I've noticed he's been slowing down his responses to my texts.   I suppose there's only so much texting one can do.  I realize too that realistically since we're not at the commitment level, I can't expect us to keep texting at the rate we were texting.    We both had our separate lives before the text fest began and of course we still do.

With that said I'm ready to take our "budding acquaintanceship" (I guess that's a word...*LOL*) to the voice level.    I'm not sure if he is ready for that but someone has to make the move.    It might as well be me.   I am nervous though due to the reasons previously mentioned.    But hopefully my fears will be unfounded and we will have a decent phone conversation, assuming he answers.   Ahhh that's the rub.   At least I hope he has voicemail set up so I can hear what he sounds like.

As for Eugene he sent a text to his perspective guy the next day and of course he texted back later.   I guess some folks are more comfortable living in the virtual world.

Something New

I swear this month has been flying by so fast.   I can't believe it'll be Thanksgiving in a couple days.   I'll be making my annual trek to Detroit for the holiday to see the parents.    Speaking of Detroit, they've been going through financial hard times like other cities in the U.S.    Its neighbor Highland Park apparently removed all the city street lights in an effort to save money.   Crime be damned.    It's a scary situation for the residents there.   And sadly Detroit doesn't look like it's far behind.

It's fueling my feelings on trying to get my parents to get out of Detroit.    My Dad is open to living closer to my sisters in a nearby burb but my Mom wants to move closer to the hospital they go to in the city.    It's a mess.   Needless to say I'll be broaching that subject again this holiday season.

In other news I've been connecting with a handsome IT consulant online and via text messaging (well sexting depending on how you interpret the messages).   Hemingway Ryan as I'll nickname him lives in St. Louis, MO, which is about 5 hours from me.    It would be a long distance relationship if things even went there but it would be more doable than my fling with Madro, who so far hasn't really been all that communicative to me.    There's Amtrak, Megabus, the airline, and the car of course that can connect us within hours.

Of course I'm being way premature when I say the words 'long distance relationship'.   I'm just hoping we get through our first meeting and still have a desire to meet again afterwards.    So many times I've chatted with guys and it seems like we hit it off but then things change after that initial meeting.    But the optimist in me remains hopeful.

It's still amazing after all these years that I'm not more jaded than I am.   I mean I know not to expect the world and I temper my "eager beaver" attitude a lot but I still am hopeful with each new guy that something will be different.   We're tentatively planning to meet the 2nd weekend of December in his hometown.   He also mentioned that he may be working near me for a few days on a project.   If that happens we could meet up then too, whichever comes first.    I wish we could do it sooner but I'm visiting family for Thanksgiving weekend and the following weekend I'm going for a meet and greet in Tampa that I can't get out of.   But hopefully our sexting ways will continue.    It's going on 4 days so far.

Keeping my fingers and toes crossed.