Till I See You Again

When Can I See You - Babyface

Refrain:

When can I see you again
When can my heart beat again
When can I see you again
When can I breathe once again
And when can I see you...

 I was just combing through some of my old blog entries from my 1st blog and this one.   I had to laugh reliving some of those memories.   I can't believe some of the things I've done and experienced being new to the gay world.   I am really happy that I preserved some of those memories to realize how my life was in the mid-2000's.   I would like to be able to continue to preserve more memories as I approach my 49th birthday in October.   I can't believe I'll soon be 50 years old.    What a life I've had and hopefully I still have a little more left.

So what has been going on with since my last post in April 2015?    

The biggest life event that happened was losing my Mom to cancer October 29, 2019.    About a year before she passed, she mentioned having postmenopausal bleeding that was happening periodically.   When she went to the hospital to get it checked out, tests were ran and it was determined that she had uterine cancer.   She had surgery in March 2019 to remove her uterus, cervix, and fallopian tubes.   She needed a couple months to recover from the surgery.   Thankfully I was not working at the time and was able to spend time with my parents to help them out.    My Dad doesn't know his way around the kitchen so I would cook meals.   My sisters Tasha and Trina also came by to help as well.

She recovered from her hysterectomy but in early July she experienced severe lower back pain.    Tasha and her husband Abe took Mom to the E.R. and they ran tests.   The cancer she had unfortunately hadn't been completely removed and had spread in her body and was causing the pain in her spine.     We received the bad news that she would need chemo or radiation to remove it but even that was no guarantee.    Based on tests the doctor said my Mom had six months to live.   

That was a tough pill to swallow.   There were two chemo drugs that were suggested that had a main side effect of "death".    My Mom quickly resigned herself to her fate which made me upset at first.   I desperately was trying to seek alternative options purchasing curcumin and a combo of herbs that was put together into an Essiac tea.    But my Mom didn't want to try anything other than the pain meds that were prescribed to help relieve her spinal pain.   She decided against chemo and radiation and was put in hospice care at their apartment.

I had to accept that my Mom was soon going to be gone.   I still held out hope that somehow a miracle would happen and she would recover.   But with each passing day I knew the odds of that happening was very slim.   

By the time she started experiencing her pain I was a couple months into a warehouse job at one of Amazon's many facilities.    I was working 20 hours a week split into five 4 1/2 hour shifts Wednesdays to Sundays.   So I would travel to Detroit every two weeks either Sunday evening or early Monday morning and stay until Tuesday evening.    Tasha and Trina would take turns dropping by everyday to help care of Mom and Dad.   

It was a grueling schedule especially for my sisters.   Around early September we hired a caretaker that came in Monday through Friday morning to bathe my Mom and help shift her position in bed since she was unable to move on her own and developed bed sores.   The caretake suggested keeping a notebook so we could all take notes on my Mom's condition and meds taken and have them available for whoever had the next shift.

I made sure to be in town for my Mom's birthday on October 2nd.   I bought a half dozen caramel cupcakes and another half dozen red velvet cupcakes from a Detroit bakery.    It was a somber day but we had some joy seeing my Mom quickly devour one.    I saw both my sisters hold back tears.   I oddly kept it together.

I finally unraveled about a half hour before my Mom transitioned.   I came into town on Monday October 28th.   Mom was resting and I sat on a chair near her bed just watching her rest.   When she saw me we greeted each other.   She wanted me to take a rag and wet it with some warm water and use it on her forehead.   I made several trips to the bathroom to refresh the rag.   We kind of had a small bit of humor when I came back with a cooler rag and she moaned briefly that it was too cold.   I apologized and she gave me a smile as I went back to the bathroom to refresh the rag.

We briefly talked and expressed that we loved each other.   As evening drew my Mom started moaning and wouldn't stop.   I tried to reach out to her but she wasn't there and continued to moan.   Tasha came by after work to see us.   She stayed for a little bit but soon became upset seeing my Mom's state and decided to leave.    My Dad came into the bedroom later and she was still moaning. 

She moaned all throughout the night.   I slept on a recliner in the next room and woke up several times throughout the night to check in on her.   Each time she was still moaning.

Later that morning the caretaker came in to take care of my Mom.   I sat in the next room with my Dad.   She told me that Mom was "actively dying".   I had to look it up online to understand what it meant.   She needed my assistance to shift her on the bed.   My Mom was not aware of us in the room and was still moaning with her head tilting to the right.    It was at that point that I lost it and started crying.   I took one hand and cradled it behind her head to straighten her neck and also held the slide sheet.

Our caretaker afterwards was explaining more about "actively dying" saying that my Mom was in her last stage of death and that she could die anytime in the next few days.   It wasn't long after I received the explanation that my Mom suddenly called out and went silent.   We called out to her but she didn't say anything else.   It was then that I realized that my Mom died.

It was a rough period after that.  I reached out to my sisters to let them know what happened.  I made the mistake of calling 911 instead of the hospice nurse and that proved to be a nightmare.   Tasha later reached out to the hospice nurse who came over to declare my Mom's passing and then the funeral home came to take my Mom's lifeless body away.

My Dad is now living with Trina and her husband Donovan.  They were able to break my Dad out of the apartment lease my parents were in and the majority of my parents' items were moved to a storage facility.

It hasn't been easy for my Dad.    He went from living in an apartment to now being in one bedroom.   He has his health issues but he celebrated his 91st birthday this past January.   I'm grateful that he is hanging on and try to keep in touch with him regularly.     In fact I will give him a call right after posting this entry.

More later.

It's Still There.

Happy 2015 over three months later.     Just wanted to pop in for a real quick update.

My relationship with Dom is still going strong almost seven months later.    We definitely seem to still enjoy each other's company.    We've both talked about meeting each other's families.   Summertime will probably be the best bet for that since he'll be done with his school year.   Speaking of which he's in the market for a new teaching position as the kids where he teaches at are a bit too extra.    Only thing he's a bit of a procrastinator, something else we both have in common...*LOL*.   He needs to get cracking on filling out apps.    It doesn't sound like it's as intense as Eugene's college gig though, which from what he told me you have to interview at least a year before your start date to get in any college.   Eugene of course was questioning why Dom wasn't looking sooner.  

One thing I've learned from my last relationship with ex-Rock is to be careful not to share everything with Eugene about my relationship.   I'm careful to not mention things to Dom that Eugene said about him.   That got me in trouble with ex-Rock and it got to the point whenever I had an issue with ex-Rock to discuss, he kept thinking Eugene was the catalyst behind it (as opposed to me having my own thoughts).

I'm visiting my folks this week.   They have their usual health issues but are otherwise okay.    My Dad messed up the front bumper of his car today backing out of a parking spot at his dentist office.     He hit something that he couldn't quite see and it pulled out a small corner of his bumper.     Thankfully my brother in law (Tasha's hubby) has a brother that repairs cars so hopefully he'll be able to fix my Dad's.   Incidentally my Dad had the genius idea to put a rear spoiler on the car as well after seeing someone else in the complex with a similar spoiler.   I ordered a spoiler for him months back that he hasn't installed so maybe he can kill two birds with one stone.    We'll see.

They say whatever you post on the internet never truly goes away.    I wasn't so sure that was the case when my former favorite TV show discussion board, TelevisionWithoutPity, went buh-bye.    A lot of posters moved to another TV forum board called Previously TV.

Anyway I was watching on Netflix the series Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt last week and wanted to see what other folks thought of the episode.    Sadly the show was in the news due to the death of a plastic surgeon that a character on the show was loosely based on.    I don't nearly post as much as I used to.    There was this one show I really, really liked that I posted a lot on.    I even named my first blog after it.    But once TWoP went bye, all the threads were gone, including the very exciting discussions I along with a group of other forum members had on the show.    The discussions got heated at times but for the most part everyone was somewhat respectful.    Every now and then I enjoyed going on the thread long after the show was unfairly canceled just to relive those days.    

Anyway someone on the new forum posted a link to TWoP's archive board for My Name Is Earl.   It didn't take long for me to search through the archives and find the thread for my beloved Half & Half.   My life is now complete as I pour through the archives to relive the discussions.

Life is good...LOL!

Bama Jamma

My friend Sally if you remember from my older blog lost her job in November 2007 and has been juggling things since then with two jobs combined that paid less than her single job.   It's been seven years of sweat, tears, and fears.    There were many times I've helped her emotionally and financially whenever issues crept up.   It's been a crazy journey for Sally culminating to a recent hysterectomy over the summer due to an incompetent primary physician who failed to diagnose her fibroids.   Sally did get another IT job in 2012 but that only wound up being a temporary job for five months before she was let go again.    Luckily she had still held on to her retail job so at least she wasn't totally out of work.

 In the midst of all that craziness, a long time friend of hers who I met a couple times when she lived in Chitown in the late 90s, recently became a IT manager for a major bank in Alabama.   Dara had a couple openings for system analysts in her group and wanted Sally to interview for one of the positions.    The timing of the position perfectly coincided with Sally's recovery period ending.   There was an initial phone interview with Dara herself but Sally would need to fly to Alabama for a second interview with Dara and a couple of her teammates.    Sally of course didn't have the funds to get a ticket so a few of us chipped in and got the ticket for her.

The interview went well but for whatever reasons things seemed to be dragging with HR.   Dara kept assuring Sally that the HR rep would contact Sally with info on what to do to get the background check going.    Then Dara needed to have a separate meeting with her manager since that manager was on vacation when Sally was in town.    Sally had to also provide an updated resume to that manager.

Things continued to drag for another week and even though Dara assured Sally that the job was hers, Sally didn't trust 100% that to be the case due to two past times where she supposedly had the job and then the rug was pulled under her.   One of those times there was even an offer letter presented so in her mind she didn't want to get her hopes up.

But finally she got the official offer and word that the job was hers and she would be making about as much as she made in her former job before losing it.   Needless to say it was a mad rush for me to help Sally pack as much as she could before needing to head down to Alabama.    She also had a pet that she wanted to keep but wouldn't be able to take with her initially.    Thankfully one of her cousins came through and was able to drive her pet to Detroit to her Mom.

I wound up helping her load up her car and splitting driving duties as we made our way on the 11 hour trip to Alabama and ultimately Dara's home in Birmingham.   It was a bit of a surreal experience, both of us excited about her new opportunity and amazed at the timing of it all.

We arrived in Alabama at 1am on Thanksgiving morning.   The three of us chatted for a bit before turning in.    Thanksgiving Day was spent with lots of Dara's family as well as her boyfriend.     We all definitely had a lot to be thankful for this year.

Friday morning we went for a quick breakfast and then Dara took Sally and I for a quick trip to the corporate office as well as a downtown trip and tour of Kelly Ingram Park, located in Birmingham's Civil Rights District.    We took a moment there to reflect on the experiences blacks went through in the 60's in the fight for basic rights.    Structures of the dogs and firehouses used to confront demonstrators were present throughout the four acre park.   It's a reminder that we've come a long way though in some ways even in 2014 and beyond, we have a long way to go.

Before I knew it, it was time to drop me off at the airport for my return flight to Chicago.   I said my goodbyes to Dara and Sally.    Sally and I kept our emotions in check.    But I teared up a bit on the plane ride thinking of not having Sally in Chicago anymore.   We've been friends for over 19 years and shared a lot of good and bad times together.    But I'm so happy for Sally.     One of her friends told her that it was fitting that things came together exactly seven years from when she lost her IT job.   In the Bible there are many references to sevenfold and seventh.   For example in Genesis it took seven days and nights for God to create the world.    On the other end of the Bible in Revelation, there are seven angels to the seven churches, seven seals, seven trumpet plagues, seven thunders and the seven last plagues.

I look forward to visiting Birmingham a little more often in my future.

Forking Forward

As I mentioned in my last post I had a follow up appointment with my anal specialist.   The specialist wound up moving to another practice in Chicago so at first I was going to go with another specialist in the same practice.   But when I called to confirm if the new specialist was going to do an anal pap smear, the nurse suggested I go to my original specialist in Chicago.     Anal pap smears aren't being done in a lot of places and I really didn't want to have another high resolution anoscopy to check for abnormalities as that would require being put under and several days of recovery.    So I wound up going to my original specialist at his new practice.

The anal pap smear went well and I got the best news possible.    There were no more abnormalities found and that I just have to follow up again in a year.     I was definitely relieved at the news.

Around that same time I had a quick email chat with a new guy.   Actually Dom wasn't all that new.   I tried chatting with him two years back but he didn't follow up with me.    So in early September he sent me a couple compliments on my pics but recalling how it went back then, I didn't respond right away.    When I did get back to him, I kept it short and simple.

So Dom is the organist for a local GLBTQ church in Gary, IN.  So yeah he lives an hour and some change from me currently.    He invited me to his church to check it out and to meet him afterwards.    That went well.   We seemed to have an instant connection.   He lives not too far from the lakefront so after service we walked there.    He took several opportunities to kiss me along the lakefront.    He stated his particular area was considered gay friendly and while he's not a full on PDA type of person, he does like sneaking in kisses here and there.    And I really did enjoy our kisses.    We went back to his place (against his rules) and spent a nice afternoon there before I took off.

Later that week his church was having its first movie night so he invited me to that.   I wound up spending the night with him.   Subsequently we've been seeing each other several more times and even most of the congregation at his church seemed to take a liking to me.    It's going on a month and a half since our first meeting.   

So Dom and I agreed that we should take our time getting to know each other before committing.   One thing he has going for him is that we've met more times than I've had with any other guy since ending things with Rock in 2008.    That's actually kind of sad but my luck with guys have been really shitty.

I've had to adjust to the concept of going to church regularly again, something I haven't done in years.    It's not that I don't believe in God but I've of course been used to not going regularly.   Also it's a small church and he goes an hour and a half early so I've had to go early too (since we're not at that stage yet where he's comfortable leaving me alone at his place).    It's a little awkward at times interacting with the congregation cause some of course keep inquiring on where Dom and I stand, which is really none of their business but in a way since Dom includes me in his church activities, it is.    He's bought past dates to meet him at his service as well.   It's a bit atypical but since he's a school teacher and goes to bed early, he really has limited time to interact with dates so he tells them up front that church is a big part of his life and anyone who wants to be with him, will have to understand that.

Also Dom is coming into my life on the tail end of my health issues.   I've told him about my HPV and how thankfully everything is clear now (even though it's likely dormant in my system).    But he hasn't been there through my surgeries and recovery.    I hope I don't have any recurrences or another abnormal pap smear but if I do, will he be there or will he freak out and run away?

So many questions which is why I'm glad we're taking our time and getting to know each other, even though we've hit home base a couple times already.   I know it's bad but it was so good...*LOL*.

The Fork In E's Road

Wow...time really has gone so fast.   It's been a crazy year dealing with some personal health issues as well as those of my parents.    Since my last entry, my parents have had their home shot at, my Mom had a breakdown as the result of said shooting, and after over 36 years of living in their home, they finally downgraded to a smaller 2 bedroom senior living apartment.   They officially moved there a few days before Christmas 2013.    Somehow they managed to move almost 9 bedrooms of stuff into the unit, so it's quite cluttered.   At least though they are in a somewhat safer environment.

I myself had to deal with some minor outpatient procedures for anal dysplasia a few times last year and this year due to an occurrence and recurrence of anal warts, which I first discovered in February 2013 but didn't talk about prior to now.    It's an embarrassing thing to happen but is actually quite common.    They say anywhere from 50% to 80% of sexually active persons gets HPV so I'm not alone.    The procedure itself lasts about 15 - 20 minutes and you're knocked out so you have no idea what's going on.   But you definitely feel the pain for several days afterwards and that first bowel movement, post surgery, let's just say, it's a mother.

I haven't had a recurrence of the warts since June 2013 but unfortunately last February I was found to still have abnormal cells in my anal area, which they call anal dysplasia and had to have a procedure last March to remove them.    I have a six month follow up at the end of the month where they will do an anal pap smear to see if there's still abnormal cells.    If there are, unfortunately I'll have to have yet another outpatient procedure to remove them.    I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's not the case.

My friend Sally, who's had her own trials and turbulations over the years, was there for me during all three of my outpatient procedures to take me to the hospital.   I'm grateful for her as outside of her, my friend Eugene, and my sisters Tasha and Trina, I haven't shared with anyone extensively about my health issue...till now.

Now that I shared all that...*LOL*.

My dating life has completely sucked, partially due to my situation, but mostly due to the assholes I'm unfortunately drawn to.   I'm at the point now I'm wondering if I may be better off moving to a different state to start over.    Though yes I know assholes are everywhere...*LOL*.

I do know that I'm ready to get the hell out of my townhome that I'm living in now.    I've wanted to move for years but didn't due to the economy.   Thankfully I've had my job (yeah the same one I've been talking about getting away from...*LOL*) for over 17 years now which has helped keep me afloat.    But I'm so ready to make a change and move elsewhere.    My new next door neighbor, who I think is on the DL, is a total dick.   He got off on the wrong foot when the first words out of his mouth after introducing himself to me was if he could store some stuff in my garage.    Since then we've pretty much been ignoring each other when we happen to be outside at same time.   Worse yet another new neighbor decided this year to organize a block party which made me realize as the only double minority how out of place I really am on the block.   Most of my neighbors across from me are cordial but there were definitely a few dicks and dickettes that I could do without.   In fact next year I think I'll go out of town.

In all honesty though I wanted to move a while ago so the recent incidents just added more fuel to that fire.   I haven't been happy living here for a long time.    I'm looking now to fix up the place so I can get it on the market hopefully by 2015 or 2016 but trying not to spend too much since I likely won't get a lot back.

For now I do want to move more eastward closer to the city and hopefully to a more diverse area where I'm not the only black or gay person.   But I'm contemplating whether I should downsize and move back to an apartment.    I mean I'm gonna be 42 in October.   I don't have any kids and probably won't at the rate I'm going.    What's the point of having a house, especially since I don't really use the deck and I'm not fond of gardening.   Plus it's annoying having to pay for all repairs.

Also I'm thinking I may want to move out of Illinois and if I do, I don't want to be tied to a house since it'll take longer to unload.    The "American Dream" of owning a home I've learned is really the "American Nightmare".  

I have a lot to think about.  I don't even know where I want to go.   A part of me don't want to live much further from my parents (currently 5 hours away) though I have to balance that with needing to live my own life.   I've thought of Toronto, Vancouver (though I've never been...*LOL*), Atlanta, and even good ol' Charlotte again.   Of course I'll have to find a job before moving and that in itself is a challenge.

Yes life is a trip.    But it goes on and on and hopefully I'll find time to keep this updated.

Great Date

It's been awhile since I've spoken about dating.   I haven't had much luck lately in that department.   It's been so bad I haven't wanted to talk about it at all.   But tonight I actually met a great guy and for once things went well and we're even talking about getting together again.    Best thing is that we didn't fool around since we met in a neutral location.    Indy and I first met via one of my social networking sites and hit it right off.    We've been texting on and off for nearly four days before deciding to meet on the 19th.

It so happen I was meeting my old friend Grafinia to hang out after not seeing her in ages.   She's happily married and we both took a half day at our respective jobs to basically hang out.   We went to this downtown Chicago hotspot called Havana and shared a pitcher of Mojito.     I mentioned that I was meeting Indy a little later and she walked down with me to meet him to satisfy her curiosity. 

It's been a while since I had a great date that I actually wouldn't mind seeing again.   We texted some more after parting ways so hopefully that's a good sign.    We talked about getting together again next week so we shall see.

Stay tuned.

I Love This Woman

Heh...don't worry, I still am strictly dickly.    But Chante Moore is one of my favorite artists ever and this live acapella version of Listen To My Song confirms that love.



Ohh...and in other news I wound up having to pay court fees, which were $60 more than the ticket itself, but the ticket was dropped, so that was good.   Cop did wind up showing up unfortunately.

Will post more another time but had to share that video.