My Stockholm Story

 

I saw this random post from a friend on Facebook depicting a story of how a teacher shared a video with the class and asked everyone to take notes.   Then after some time the teacher accused a student who was taking notes of not taking notes.   The student insisted he took notes but the teacher said he didn't.  Other students tried to defend the student but were pushed back by the teacher.   Eventually the teacher sent the student to the office. 

The incident was supposed to be a lesson of not letting others tell you they didn't see what you saw with your own eyes.

The story made me think about an incident that happened to me when I was 8th grade.   It started with me checking out a book about the Olympics.   I don't remember why I checked it out but I noted that the book had lots of damage, including pages being unglued from its frame.   There was a return basket in the library where books could be returned and I placed the book in the basket once my time to check it out was over.

So it was about a week later and the entire class was sent to the library for whatever reason.   While I was sitting at a table with some other students, the librarian and my teacher came up to me and pulled me aside.   They asked me why I damaged the library book.   I told them that I did not damage the book but that it was messed up when I checked it out.   They kept saying I was lying but I was adamant that I did not damage the book.   In fact I was extra careful not wanting to damage it further.

By then other students were listening in on the exchange.  It was back and forth with my teacher threatening to report the incident to my parents and I would have to stay after school.   I remembered thinking I've never been in trouble where I had to stay after school or be reported to my parents.  I didn't want my parents to have to come to the school and I didn't want detention so I relented that I did the damage even though I didn't.   I knew I didn't and even said so to one of my friends at the time who asked afterwards.   But it reminded how someone could bully a person enough to have them change their truth even though they know that's wrong.

Thinking about it years later, I wish I was strong enough to let the teacher tell my parents and stay after school.   I know Papa especially would believe me if I said I didn't do something.   I told myself that if I ever had kids, I would tell them to always stand up for their truth in school and have them reach out to me if they receive pushback.  I would also encourage them to take up boxing or karate so they could defend themselves from bullies.    Alas I never had any kids and it's not likely I'll have any in my remaining time on Earth.   With the way the world is now, I'm actually glad not to have any.    I can't imagine all the shit kids have to deal with today.   Hell you don't even know if your kids will make it home from school without being shot at.

With the 2024 Presidential Election being less than a week away, I can't help but wonder what is the truth between what Kamala Harris and Donald Trump is.    Donald Trump has said and done so many dumb things.   Plus he's a convicted felon.    Yet poll after poll keeps saying that the election is neck and neck.   It's hard to believe that half of the folks who vote support Trump and his wacky sofa fucking running mate Vance.   It makes me wonder if the polls really are true or if they're wanting to rile up both camps to get more votes.   Is the media pulling the wool over everyone's eyes and making us see things that aren't there?

I am praying that Kamala wins.   I just don't know if the country can survive another Trump presidency.  Dom and I plan to early vote this weekend.   I can't wait to see if the polling folks are the same and act like they did last time we went to vote.   Whatever they do I'll be ready to cast my vote for Kamala.   We'll know one way or the other next week.

In other news I ran into a former acquaintance that I wish I didn't see.   I saw Jose standing at the corner of Wabash and Clark waiting to cross Wabash in downtown Chicago.   Jose, henceforth known as Magic Mike, due to how our so-called friendship ended, was in workout clothes either I assume coming or going from the gym.   I was leaving work and crossing from Clark towards his side of Wabash and was planning to cross at Wabash as well.   But I quickly changed my direction when seeing him.    

I have a feeling that Magic Mike saw me as well but he was pretending not to see me and I did the same.   I kept walking down Clark and crossed over at Lake instead while trying not to fall or turn around.

It was more than 12 years ago that things ended between us (by his choice) but the memories of that moment in time came back like it was yesterday.   I actually saw Magic Mike a few times on one of the social networking sites and the GPS had him being about 600 - 700 feet from me.   So I knew he was in the downtown area.   I can't say running into him was a complete shock.   But still with the many streets of the city, I really didn't expect our paths to cross at all.   

I hate to say it but Magic Mike actually looked great for being almost 70.   But I know that brief paragraph in my life is over and won't be resurrected anytime soon.   Here's hoping I don't run into him again.

No Way Jose

This is gonna be a long entry.   But hey I haven't blogged in over a month so I'm due.

I go from family drama in my last entry to friend, well it's former friend now, drama.    My friendship (if I  could really call it that) was put to the test during a routine movie night.   Jose, fresh back from his seven month stint in San Diego, called me late July wanting to catch a movie.    The first movie he mentioned wanting to see was Magic Mike.

It was actually the second time that movie was suggested to me.  Believe it or not I didn't even have it on my radar prior.   Sally asked me if I wanted to see it with her and after she told me what it was about, I told her that it wasn't my cup of tea.   It sounded like one of those movies that I would rather wait till it came out on DVD (which actually I'm guessing it should be coming out in October sometime just in time for my 40th).   So I had suggested seeing Avengers instead.   That went without incident.

I can't say the same for my movie night with Jose.   I told Jose that I wasn't feeling the movie but I sensed that he really wanted to see it and when he made other suggestions, none of the other choices interested me. That night would be the first time I would've hung out with Jose since my last visit to San Diego.   I decided against my better judgment to go see Magic Mike with him.

Not really wanting to deal with an ignorant usher, I chose to get my ticket at the kiosk when I reached the theater.   As I was in the process of figuring out the kiosk, Jose came up behind me.    We greeted each other and then he went to the kiosk next to mine to attempt and purchase a ticket as well.    He was having trouble with using that kiosk and also using the one I did so he wound up going to an usher to purchase.   That actually went fine.

So then after getting snacks (I only got water since I had eaten a heavy lunch earlier) we give our tickets to the usher.   He gave us a snide look as he directed us to the theater way in the back on the lower level.   The majority of folks were ushered upstairs for other shows and the only folks going down the lower level were women so Jose and I really stood out.

The show was in a room way down the end of the long hallway.    It was like the longest walk ever (longer than when I came out to my parents...lol).   I made some small talk with Jose as we walked down to try and ease my mind a bit.

Once we entered the room where it was playing though, whatever little ease I got from the small talk, went away.   The theater was semi-packed and all I could see was women.   As far as I could tell, Jose and I were the only two men in the room.   I totally was out of my comfort zone as Jose and I made our way for some seats.    I heard Jose tell a lady in a seat behind ours that 'it wasn't assigned seating'.   I didn't even hear the lady but I guess she must've said something about saving the seats for somebody.

So we sat down and I was a bit stone-faced.   Jose was cool as a cucumber.   I admit that I shouldn't care what folks think about me watching a movie that is catered to women but I did.   After a minute Jose wanted to move (I'm assuming the same lady he had the exchange with was doing annoying stuff behind him) so we wound up moving to a different section.

It's possible Jose may have been joking but he said that there was a lady attempting to take a picture of us.   That made me even more mortified.

It felt like an eternity before the movie started.   It finally kicked off.   The movie had it ups and downs but it mostly left me feeling like I could've waited for the DVD.   Unfortunately almost throughout the second half of the movie, the lady that was sitting behind me decided to use the back of my chair as a leg rest.   I was too uncomfortable to do anything but push back against my chair to compete with her pushing on the back of mine.   When it was finally over I immediately got up and turned around and I saw the bitch run off upstairs.

I told Jose I never again was going to put myself in a situation like that.   I sheepishly tried to smile as we walked out of the theater with the throngs of women that were leaving.   When we reached near the exit, Jose wanted to find a restroom.   The same usher who gave the snide look asked us how it was.   Afterwards he made a snide comment that the movie probably made us want to go to the strip bar and jack off.

I rolled my eyes as I followed Jose to the restroom (to jack off...NOT!).   I could see that my reaction throughout the evening was affecting Jose and he kind of gave me a rushed goodbye.

I felt guilty about my behavior and called him later.   He acted like nothing was amiss and even said he was looking to 'order in' (code for having a booty call come over).  I still felt like things weren't right between us as we hung up.

I got that confirmation a month ago (August 9).   Two weeks or so before that date I called Jose and got his voicemail.   I chalked it up to his being busy.    He mentioned prior to that fateful night that he was going to several different interviews for a new consulting position.

A week went by and I didn't hear from him so I called again.   Got his voicemail again.   I dismissed my fears about him being mad at me with assuming that maybe he was traveling (he does travel quite a bit for different vacation just recently coming back from his own trip to Spain) somewhere and didn't get a chance to check in.

I called again on August 6th and got the voicemail again.   I waited till the 9th and called again.   Voicemail.  I  realized that he definitely must be avoiding me.    I wondered if Jose was done with whatever we had but I felt like Jose being the person he is, would've been man enough to tell me to my face (or at least over the phone).    He's never been one to shy away from saying how he feels.   That's just how he rolls.

I was calling his cellphone the entire time but decided to call once more but this time his home phone.   Do I even need to say that v-word again?   I decided that I wanted to pay a visit to him that day to find out what was going on.   I was working from home that day and it was near my lunch break anyway.   I had my suspicions but a part of me just wondered if he was okay.

So Jose lives in a high-rise and has a doorman.   I went up to the doorman and not knowing whether Jose was home or not, I told him that I was there to see Jose.   He proceeds to call and gets an answer.   My heart literally sank as I got the confirmation that Jose was avoiding me.

I wasn't even sure he was going to let me come up and I was preparing in my mind some excuse to tell the doorman so I could quickly leave but the doorman said to go ahead and he buzzed me in.   It was the longest elevator ride up to Jose's floor (sensing a theme yet...*LOL*).

So I get to his entryway and he already has the door open.   Jose's place is in disarray since he's in the midst of doing some remodeling.   So he's all fake cheery as he runs to his home office and tells me to sit down.   He didn't even give me a chance to ask him what was going on.   He runs back and hands me a paper.   I was still standing at this point but he said I needed to sit down for what he was going to tell me.

Basically the paper was an email that he sent to me as I was making my way to his place.   The funny thing is I didn't even look at my phone otherwise I would've gotten it mid-way before arriving.    In his own words he said that he saw a whole other side of me when we were at the movies and that he didn't like it.   He said that I don't listen to anything he says and that I'm always playing the victim when it comes to dealing with situations.   He said that my friends (particularly Eugene and Sally) take advantage of me and I let them.   He then said that he has his own issues (yes he does but I won't list them...*LOL*) he's dealing with and he felt like if we continued to hang out, he would be enabling me and saying it's okay to 'play the victim' so he wanted to end whatever it was that we had.   He said friendship of course but in my mind if after one bad situation you're ready to call it quits then we really weren't friends to begin with.

I sat there dumbfounded as he was saying all this and I was reading his email.   I was racking my brain trying to recall any other times where Jose and I had a bad experience and couldn't recall one.   I do realize that I shouldn't give a damn if everyone knew the moment we walked in that we were two gay guys (who might even be sleeping with each other...even though that was almost two years back since that happened) and there were plenty of times when I didn't give a damn.   I can't even count the number of times we went out for dinner and I know some people assumed we were dating (or planning to fuck afterwards) and I didn't give a damn.   Especially at Italian restaurants...*LOL*.

I think too he was referring to how I handle situations that happen.   In general I don't like confrontation and will usually look for non confrontational ways to deal with those situations.   I know of course you do have to confront things head on at times and eventually I find a way to do so even if I don't always get the desired results.

One thing he kept harping on was how I would tell him 'that's just the way I am'.    And while it's definitely a good thing to change bad habits, anyone who has those habits know that it's something that won't change overnight.

In his mind I should've been calling a therapist to deal with my issues.    He mentioned that before while I was recounting my childhood in San Diego and he's said it a couple times before that.   Since I was taking no steps to get help and not listening to him on other matters (like changing my job...he's a career coach), he felt he shouldn't be around me.

As for my friends I definitely felt he was out of line there.   But he did acknowledge that he came 'late to the party' (I've known Eugene and Sally longer) and knows I don't agree with his viewpoint.   He met Eugene once and I will admit Eugene didn't exactly make a good first impression.    Basically Eugene was preoccupied playing backgammon on his phone instead of our conversation.   I tried non verbally to tell Eugene to put his phone away but of course he wasn't having it.

I shared with Jose in the past some of the difficulties Eugene was having at his last job with certain folks.   He did wind up finding another gig with another university and thankfully other than moving halfway across the state he doesn't have to relocate.   Jose basically told me that Eugene is rude and arrogant and that he could see why he's having problems with his job.

He never even met Sally but I did confide to him about her losing her job and how I've been helping her financially over the years whenever she asks.   It's not like I'm rich or anything but if she needs extra to pay her phone bill or gas or need groceries and I have a little bit extra, I've given it to her.

I've known Sally for over 17 years and for him to come along and say that she's taking advantage of me is an insult to me.   I have told Sally a few times that I couldn't help her at certain times but just gave when I could. It's not like I've been giving money to her left and right.

I was dismayed that he had to drag my friends into his fight with me when I'm the one he had an issue with.   I could've easily said some things about his "so-called" friends who are more like acquaintances.   Honestly other than this one nice lesbian couple who I think are genuine from my brief interactions with them, I feel like   the rest of his posse are only there for what they can do for each other.

Jose's forever telling me about all these weddings (he's goes to at least 5-6 weddings a year...so at least 12 in the two years I've known him) he goes to and how he's always buying gifts for them and how they're always having gatherings at these swanky mansions and locations.   I feel like if any of them were to ever fall into hard times (like Sally did), that they would slowly drift themselves out of his life and he would drift from them as well.   Basically not take the calls or call back when they know that person won't answer and say 'I'm sorry.'    But of course I don't really know his so-called friends like that.   Though I can infer that would happen from how he treated me.    But I would never say anything like that to him because that's rude and disrespectful and I don't have any history with his "business acquaintances".    But yet he chose to do that to me.

So basically he told me to have a nice life as I left his place.  When I got back home I read his email on the computer and decided to write my response to him.

I expressed how disappointed I was that he chose to end whatever it was we had.   I told him that I wished I had stuck with my first instinct and not chose 'Magic Mike'.   However I added that maybe it was meant to happen like it did.   I truly believe that some things are meant to happen and if it wasn't 'Magic Mike', he would've found some other reason to end it.   Clearly he was looking to get out.

Whatever it was we had I did appreciate having him in my life.  Like I said before he offered me an additional perspective on things and even if I didn't follow his advice or do things as he wanted, I ultimately appreciated having him in my life.

I was sad at that time but I didn't cry.   The funny thing is that I kinda went through several phases to get over him.   First phase I was in denial.   Pretty much I was in denial the entire time he was giving his reasons for ending whatever it was we had.    Then I was sad for my loss, which I expressed in my email.    Then I had the angry phase (which I kinda am having again as I write this) like who the fuck does he think he is.   What a selfish prick he is.   But now I've come to the acceptance part.

I'm reminded of this quote.   I don't even know where it comes from.

"People always come into your life for a REASON, a SEASON, or a LIFETIME."

I'll choose to remember the positive SEASONs that Jose and I had.   Even though I think ultimately he made a mistake, he has to live with it, not me.

Thera-E

I'm about to have a deep entry. Or maybe it's just long. I will let you guys decide. Lol.

Jose tells me that I need to speak to a therapist. One morning while I was at his place in San Diego, I was telling him about a recent breakthrough I had on why my attraction to guys gravitated toward bearish bigger men. It'll probably be obvious to the veteran readers of my older blog (I know there's at least 2...LOL). But if you remember my tendency for having a "blonde moment" or two (or three...LOL), you'll forgive me.

So Hemingway I concluded that the reason for my attraction could stem back to my "bully". Basically "bully" was a bigger kid and while he was wrong for violating me, a part of me was turned on. So my breakthrough recently was that I am trying to find "bully" in the big bearish men I seek out. Maybe to close that period in my life. I never really did have closure since I kept quiet on what happened.

I was recounting another childhood incident to him that happened in 7th grade. I borrowed from the library an encyclopedia (specific to the Olympics, not sure exactly what it was called) for some report I needed to do. The glue holding a lot of the book pages together to the frame was loose and a lot of pages were not affixed to the frame. Also some of the pages were written on, others torn up. Knowing what I know now, I would've told the librarian at the time that the book was messed up. Though actually you would've thought that she would notice that. My memories are sketchy when it comes to the checking out part.

But they were very clear upon returning the book. The return of the book actually went without incident. This was because there was a return cart where you could put the book back and later the librarian (or assistant) would check it back to the system.

So a few days later the entire class was in the library studying for something I now don't remember. At some point during this event, the librarian called me up to her desk.

I went and she asked me about the encyclopedia I borrowed and what happened to it. I told her that it was damaged when I checked it out. She basically called me a liar. I argued back that I didn't do anything to the book. We went back and forth and of course the class is now listening in.

My teacher came forward and basically sided with the librarian. So it's two white ladies (I don't know if that detail really matters but I felt like it needed to be said) arguing against me.

They threatened to keep me after school if I didn't admit to damaging the book. All I could think is I didn't want to get in trouble with my parents since I've never was in trouble for anything before (at least that year). So not wanting to involve my parents, I caved in and admitted to damaging the book even though I didn't do so.

I was in tears by that point as they directed me back to my seat. I remember telling my classmates near me afterwards that I didn't do it. Not that any cared.

Thinking about it today, it makes sense that I reacted the way I did. As I blogged in the past, I am guilty of being a people pleaser. By admitting to something I didn't do, I pleased the librarian and teacher and let them bully me into thinking they were right. I indirectly pleased my parents since I didn't involve them in a situation that would require them to come to the school.

A part of me thinks I also did it because on some level I didn't want further embarrassment with my parents coming in the classroom. My sisters and I are first generation US citizens and I think I didn't want my parents to come in the school and perhaps cause me more grief than what couldve been solved by the lie.


I also think I may have been protecting them too. I kept a lot of stuff that I went through to myself. That's why I'm my own worst critic. I beat myself a lot on the 'coulda woulda shoulda's instead of acting out in the moment.

So many possibilities exists but perhaps that's why I need the therapy. But in a lot of ways, that's what I've been doing with my blog. At least I usually feel better after a particularly moving entry.

But perhaps I'm not taking into account what actions I can do to grow from my experiences. So I get caught in the vicious cycle of making the same mistakes over and over again.

Besides black people "don't do no therapy". That's for crazy white folks. At least that's what I've always learned.

It has always been about appearances, especially with my Mama. She was the one to say 'wear clean underwear in case of an accident' , 'don't tell people your business', and other little phrases.

Mind you, I'm not blaming my parents for what happened to me. I ultimately made the choices I did. But if there was one lesson I could've gotten, it would be to stand up for yourself and never let anyone force you to accept their truth if you know it's not your truth. It's a lesson I will teach my future son or daughter. (Yeah I'm still holding on to that dream. LOL). Also it probably would be good to know that if a situation ever came up like that, that I would let my kid know that it's okay if they make you stay afterschool that I would have their back (as long as they tell the truth).


I'm not saying that my parents never taught me that. But I didn't learn the birds and bees from them either. Had to get my experiences in sex from the streets. But I don't know if I would've been receptive to that talk either....*LOL*.

I don't know if things wouldve been different had I gotten that lesson. I might've even made the same mistakes. Jose feels I should talk to my parents about those moments but I don't feel like that would really accomplish anything. This is especially so since both my parents are not in the best of health.


It's just amazing how much your adult life is shaped by the experiences of your childhood. I'm not saying I was a perfect child either. I've definitely done things in my past I'm not proud of. As bad as I had it, there were kids even lower on the totem pole than I that also had it bad. I would never stand up for them either. I was just glad for a few moments that the focus wasn't on me. That doesn't make it right though. If I could I would make amends to those kids as well.


I shudder to think what would've happened if the internet was around during my time growing up. At least once I was home, I was able to get away from the school madness. But it's scary and sad hearing about the cyber bulling that's taking place.


When I think about it, I question if I even want to bring a child into the world. Would I want him or her to go through what I went through. I'd like to think that I would be able to apply my experiences to help them get through the challenges (if any). I would definitely teach my kids to defend themselves and it wouldn't hurt to have them take up a sport or two to encourage socialization and healthy competition so that would give them that extra drive. I would've liked to have done more of those activities growing up but I know stuff like that cost money and my parents didn't have a lot of discretionary income to spread around.


It sounds like I'm making excuses and perhaps I am. But I do know my parents did the best they could under the circumstances and they would have no way of helping me if I didn't open up. So I definitely made my bed there.


We all carry our own baggage I suppose. It's just learning how not to let that baggage dictate your future. I could try to apply that in a way I do with different potential boyfriends. I try to judge them on their own merit and not compare them to past guys. At the same time though I use that past experience to gauge how to handle the present. I think I need to apply that same thing to the bad experiences in life.


It's not like I think about certain bad childhood moments every minute of my life. I would go crazy if I did. But I have to know when I do to accept that I can't change the past but I should learn from it. And hopefully not repeat those same mistakes.


Stand up for myself! If I don't, nobody else will.


So ends my blog therapy for today.

San Diego Bound

My friend Jose in December got a job offer in San Diego to work at a pharmaceutical company at director of their Human Resources department.    It's a six month job assignment that is perfect since he gets to spend his winter away from frigid Chicago.

Those benefits weren't immediately realized though as Chicago has had unseasonably warm weather for most of December and part of January.   Of course that changed last week with the Midwest's first batch of wintry mayhem.   And today we're expected to get anywhere from 3 to 5 inches.

So Jose told me that I could come visit him anytime while he's up there.    So I took him up on the offer and will be flying there on Valentine's day.    With my remote job, I can work from anywhere as long as I have an ethernet connection.    So I'll be working from his apartment in San Diego on Wednesday and Thursday.    Then I took off Friday and Monday.   So the great thing about that is that I'll have all of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to enjoy the sites of San Diego.   I fly back to Chicago Monday early afternoon.



So I need to get an itinerary ready for things to do.    I'm sure I'll want to hit a beach while I'm there to check out the hot guys.   There is this one beach that has a gay section called Black's Beaches.    It sounds like a bit of a hike to get there though, based on one reviewer's comments:

"Once you arrive at the Torrey Pines gliderport, you've reached the main (intermediate) trail. It's the easiest to hike down (none are easy to hike up, so be sure you're prepared for a workout on the way back), but it also drops you in the middle of the straight section of Blacks Beach. Like many nude beaches, mostly nude men who aren't in shape run around naked, but a few hot guys (and even fewer women) can be seen as well. Many more guys are found in the gay section about a half mile north. It can be reached directly from the advanced trail, which is merely a dirt path at the north end of the parking lot north of the gliderport. This trail is even harder to climb back up, without the assistance of ropes, railroad tie steps, etc. that are found on the main trail."


But it might be worth it to get to the promised land.   And actually Jose lives not far from there.   Depending on his location, we might even be able to walk there.

Of course there's the gay bars.   Jose and I have pretty diverse tastes in guys.    He likes them young and twinky while I like them beefy and bearish.    So coming up with a bar that we both agree to might be a challenge.   But probably not.    With such bar names as The Brass Rail, Pecs, Urban Moe's, and Bourbon Street (a shout out to New Orleans no doubt), hopefully there'll be something between the different bars for both us to enjoy.    I especially wouldn't mind hitting Redwing Bar & Grill as they have a karaoke bar for me to get my sing on.

And then there's the San Diego Zoo, which apparently have sleepovers where you can spend the night there.   Not sure I'd want to but that's an interesting option.

I can't forget about the casinos either since I'm such a casino whore.   There's Pechanga Resort, Harrah's Rincon, Barona's, and Viejas.    Assuming Jose tags along, he'd want to check out some of the steakhouses that are housed there.   The websites of all the main casinos make their restaurants sound so good.

So much other things to do.   There's different parks like Balboa and shopping centers to visit.   I could even go parasailing.   I'm definitely looking forward to my trip and to get away from the crazy weather in Chicago.

Reality Bites

I'm back from Europe and am slowly adjusting to being back at the job.   I wish I were back in Madrid but it's just as well since I was running out of Euros.    My biggest challenge returning was dealing with London's Heathrow airport.    It served as my one stop between Chicago and Barcelona and later Madrid to Chicago.  I thought having a 90 minute layover would give me enough time to navigate to my next gate.   But unfortunately I didn't account for needing to take a shuttle bus to a different terminal, going to two different security checks, and ultimately on my return trip taking an additional tram train to my final gate.   I barely made my flight back.

The highlight of my British Airways flight returning was watching a couple movies that I missed in their theatrical releases.   My first movie choice was X-Men The 1st Class.   I admit it added some much needed layers to the X-Men story and the initial tight friendship between Magneto and Professor X.    I also enjoyed the softer side of Mystique and understood her internal struggle.    The second movie choice was Moulin Rouge.   I got a kick out of the main characters storyline even if it was a tad bit predictable and felt they all did good with the material they were given.   Nicole Kidman especially I thought was great and kinda wished the movie didn't get completely panned.   I almost cried towards the end but had to keep myself in check since I was on a plane.   I then popped an episode of Community to make me laugh.  

Those, some decent airline food, and a nap helped make the 8 hour flight go by quickly.   The next challenge after that was dealing with US customs in Chicago.    Though it wasn't as bad as when I got back from Toronto a few years back.

Jose was there to pick me up and his timing was perfect, he pulled into the pickup zone just as I was coming out of baggage claim.    I admit I was worried about whether or not he would still pick me up.    But we had chatted briefly while I was in Madrid on my fling with Madro.   He said he was just messing with me.   He had feelings for Madro years back but they became good friends so all was good.

And it's a good thing.   Apparently Madro has Michigan connections and plans to visit his family around the Christmas holiday.    Madro said he'd like to meet me again while we're both in Michigan.   So the saga continues there.    Who knows?   I may visit Madrid again sooner than I think.

Till then it's back to work.

Dumb Luck

I've been in Madrid since Monday the 17th but two nights later, this is the first night I've actually spent the night in my hotel room.     Yeah I sorta met someone via my friend Jose.    As dumb luck would have it, I made the mistake of telling Jose that I spent the night with his friend Madro (didn't tell him about the 2nd night and probably won't) and now I think he's mad at me.    I had forgotten that Jose had a crush on Madro a long time back (we're talking more than ten years ago) but Madro had turned him down.  

When I emailed Jose about my time with Madro and Madra and mentioned the tryst, he immediately replied just saying he'd call me in five minutes.   So he called me and when he confirmed what I said, he didn't believe me since he said Madro always liked younger guys.   But when he realized what I said was true, he cut the conversation short basically saying that it looked I had things under control and that he would talk to me later.  I felt a change in his voice and I realized that I made a big mistake.

I should've known the cardinal rule of not messing with your friend's friends even if nothing happened between said friends.    I had forgotten that he mentioning having a crush on Madro so it was insensitive on my part to mention sleeping with him.    I was so used to being able to tell Jose anything that I forgot that there are some things that should've been left unsaid.

So I contacted him today after seeing him online on a common social networking site and he didn't reply to my message.   What's worse is that he's supposed to pick me up from the airport when I get back to Chicago.   I guess I shouldn't be surprised if he completely bails on me.

I really messed up big time.   Simple as that.

The thing is I had no idea that Madro and I would hit it off so well.   I mean he kept making little jabs calling me chubby when I met him along with his lovely hag Madra.    Madro was hitting on the young waiter that was serving us at the tapas place pretty hard too.    So I assumed he was into younger guys.

He trapped me into asking me to guess his age at one point.   I tried to get out of answering but he wouldn't let me get away so easily.   So I told him he looked about 45 and then he kinda got pissy and said I looked 50.  *LOL*.

But he got over it really fast after exchanging a few more jabs at Madra and myself and then flirting with the waiter.    I was definitely attracted to Madro.   He kinda reminded me of a hotter Ted King.  He had this air of confidence about him that was very alluring.    It was amazing how quick on his feet he was with every quip thrown his way.   So when he invited me afterwards to hang out for another drink, it was an offer I couldn't refuse.   I mean it's not everyday I get the attention of a really hot guy.  

He suggested possibly going to a bar but Madra wasn't up to it.    Problem was that Madra was visiting and staying at Madro's so he would have to go back to his place to drop her off.   So the three of us head back to his place.   He lives in a nice midrise townhome.   We walk inside and Madra excuses herself to go into her room.

Madro in the meantime flips the script and mentions there aren't any real good bars near him but we could either have drinks at his place or head out.   He had a few drinks (about 6 glasses of wine I heard) already and he seemed to went to stay at his place.    I went along with it.

I knew where things were heading as we sat in the dark in his living room.   He laid down on one side of the couch and invited me to relax on the other side.   He started massaging my feet and it felt really nice.   He then starting kissing and lightly biting my feet.   Mind you I walked a pretty mile in them but I guess they weren't too foul.   In the meantime I was massaging his feet and walking my hands up his shorts.  

Moments later he came up by me, took off his clothes, leaving on his sexy draws and kissed me.    I kept asking him if he was sure about where we were going even though we were near the point of no return.    Since he had a few drinks I was worried he'd hate himself and me in the morning.   Also hello it's not like I'm that hot.

But he poo pooed all that and the show went on.   And what a show.   I admit he had a brother wondering if he should relocate but I know that's not realistic.   Though I can't help but think about Madro, my Madrid fling.

I hope I don't lose Jose though.

Another Year In The Life

I'm starting a brand new life here in Barcelona. I've had to make lots of adjustments to my attitude due to the change of culture, language, people, and locale. Since I made the dramatic change to my life, I thought I'd start anew (yeah again, again...*LOL*) with another blogspot. Different blogspot, different location, same ol' E.

One other change that I've had to adjust to is the change in umm, change. The Euro which actually as of this writing has gotten weaker still wound up costing me a pretty penny to convert my U.S. dollars. Pop quiz: Can you spot the two American coins that are in my picture above?

I don't think there's a 2 cent U.S. coin but there is one in the Euro. Another uncommon one is the 20 cent euro. Also instead of dollar bills, you have 1 euro coins. And the two dollar bills also has a two euro cousin. It makes the task of giving change slightly harder to navigate, lest someone gives you a 50 cent euro instead of a 2 euro.

There are times I question myself for leaving Chicago. Actually that's a lie. I've never really questioned it only because I'm also lying about relocating to Barcelona. Yeah some things never change. I had to do something big to introduce myself back to what's left of the blogging community.

But as of this writing I am vacationing in Barcelona. It's my first ever European trip. I gotten all kinds of advice on the trip from my new friend Jose. Jose and I met over a year ago initially as a hook-up. It was good enough for another followup hook-up. But after the second one, we actually began to get to know each other outside of the bedroom. He's a few years more than half a century old but looks much younger and definitely has a healthy appetite for sex. He's become quite invaluable in my life, offering me career, personal, and of course trip advice. It's been nice having another constant gay friend in my life besides Eugene. He offers me an additional perspective on situations. Plus he lives not far from me so we've been hanging out quite a bit together around the town.

So yeah this year's birthday trip starts off in Barcelona and ends in Madrid, with possible side trips to Sitges and Toledo (not Ohio). The hardest part about this trip is adjusting to the language. Barcelona has the added distinction of having Catalin as its primary language with Spanish being secondary, so it's been a bit of a struggle for me. But thankfully for the most part, Barcelonians (I guess that's the right term.) have been generally nice to me despite my messed up Spanish.

Traveling alone is nice mostly because I control the when, where, and how long aspects of my day. But the hard part for me sometimes is eating alone, especially when everyone else that's there seems to have a date, family, or friends with them. It reminds me once again that I still haven't found boyfriend #2 since my time with Rock ended almost three years ago in December 2008. So clearly "Date and Dash" didn't quite work out for me. One of the best moments of my relationship with Rock was our traveling together to New York (despite the rocky road to get to that point....*LOL*). Eating alone reminds of how much I miss those times.

To add fuel to the fire, I inch closer to the inevitable big 4-0 on October 15th, hitting 39. I can't believe how fast time is flying. On the bright side, I'm reluctantly grateful to still have a job (yeah at that place still....LOL*). It'll be fifteen years there April 2012, assuming I make it. The company I'm at has been a lot of layoffs in the last couple years. Somehow I've managed to hold on for the time being and thank goodness, with the stock market (and effectively my 401-K), taking a nose dive. And of course my crappy penny stocks are barely holding on to their pennies.

It's a wonder I've contemplated having kids this past year. How the hell can I afford them? Taking care of them alone at that. My hat is off to all those doing it alone. Even with a partner, how did my parents afford my sisters and I? Hmm.

On the kid front, the two options I've been looking at primarily at are surrogacy and co-parenting. The main advantage of surrogacy is more control over raising your child (especially since I'm alone...*LOL*) but that same advantage is also a disadvantage. In addition there's the whole cost factor. There's actually a surrogacy clinic I've contacted that is in the Chicago area that has the concept of overseas surrogacy, which is cheaper than having a US surrogate. But even that runs almost 50K for one child. Co-parenting main advantage is having another person sharing responsibility for raising a child. Again that main advantage can also be a disadvantage, especially if you both don't see eye-to-eye on certain issues. There's also the need to split time between the co-parents over who has the child. That could also be good when you have a good set-up as there would be a break (though you never really are on break as a parent, I hear...*LOL*) in when you can have 'me time'. And of course finding the right lady (or ladies assuming a lesbian couple) to co-parent with can be tough. A hookup and occasional chat buddy I have shares co-parenting duties with a lady for their two children and he's constantly bitching about how she handles certain situations. Surprisingly though he wants more kids but the thing holding him back is the thought of having them with his current co-parent since his preference is for the siblings to have the same DNA.

Yeah so that's pretty much in a nutshell my life. Ironically I feel like my 1st blog pretty much ending once my parents found out officially I was 'gay' seemed to be a nice segway since my old blog was my life as a closeted gay man in my 30's whereas this one is about my life as a somewhat old (I mean out...*LOL*) gay man about to enter my 40's. Time for me to rest up before enjoying some Barcelona night life.