CGMC Bound

 Dom and I will be taking the Southshore line to downtown Chicago in less than two hours to see the Chicago Gay Men's Chorus perform at the Harris Theatre.     It's been our annual tradition since we started dating in 2014.    Well actually I was introduced to it two years before Dom and I started dating by a guy on my gay bowling league that I used to bowl at.    The guy in question was a singer in the choir and invited several bowlers to check it out.    We definitely prefer going to the show at the Harris theatre when they have it (they seem to have it there every other year) because we don't have to drive into Chicago and the theatre is literally a few steps from the Millennium Southshore stop. 

It's a very enjoyable show and I've gone every December since I was first introduced to it.   This will be the first show Dom and I have gone to since the pandemic started.   The 2020 show wound up being a virtual event that in all honestly didn't live up to the live shows.   So we're looking forward to checking it out with the protocols Harris Theatre have in place.    They require all patrons to show proof of vaccination and to wear masks regardless of vaccination status (though if you don't show proof I'm assuming they won't let you in even if you wear a mask).  What a world we're living in.   It'll be this way for a while it seems.  

I can't even tell you all the conspiracy theories I've been reading in relation to this pandemic.   Some of them are truly scary (like a new world order) but I'll have to discuss that another time.

The CGMC show isn't the only one we'll be attending this year.   I spoke to Dom about Ross's show in central Indiana and to my surprise, Dom was game to check it out given the overnight accommodations.   I hate having to take off two days of work (which pretty much is my entire shift) but it makes the most sense.    Plus it's not like I want to go to work...though I need the money.  Of course I assume I'll be driving.   Ross's show kicks off tonight as well and will be running for the next three long weekends.    We plan on checking out his next to last show on Saturday, December 18th.   Of course it all depends on the weather.   If it's going to be a blizzard, I'm not risking driving out there and I'm sure Dom won't either.

But I'm really excited to meet Ross.   It'll be interesting to see if we have any chemistry.   Obviously nothing is going to happen that weekend but maybe we'll plan a meeting in the future.

Oh well, time to eat some crappy fast food from Mickey D's before the train ride.

All The E's Menses

 Eugene and I used to talk a lot about the various men that were or attempted to enter our lives.    He termed them as "menses".   We definitely had our share of craziness over the years.   We used to talk a lot more frequently but not so much since I've been with Dom.   Plus with everything going on with me jobwise I haven't really felt like talking much since every other conversation related to my situation.  I do miss our daily calls.    We have been hanging out once a year at least during New Year's Eve with another long-term friend of his who happens to be straight.   We'll see if we hang out again this New Year's Eve.

So in terms of men, Dom of course is my main man.    But since I still have that itch to scratch, I've tried to find other men for that area.   To absolutely nobody's shock I have not found that one guy that works out perfectly.

There's Tony, a mid-50's married guy about 5'11, 275 lbs. that I met for the first time one snowy Saturday evening in February 2018 when Dom was in Palm Springs.    Tony's wife, a registered nurse, was working that evening so he invited me over.   He lives out in Valpo in a nice mid-price subdivision.  There was a bit of snow on the ground and Tony was paranoid that his wife would find out so he made sure to tell me to not make too many tracks in the driveway and walk on the far edge.

So when Tony and I kissed it was very passionate.   We tongued each other down in the main hallway as our hands rubbed all over each other's bodies.    His little chihuahua was yapping in the nearby kitchen and Tony directed me to head upstairs to his bedroom where we made out some more and we sucked each other's dick.   We also tossed each other's salads before he eventually sucked me off and I jacked him off.   I'm not much of a swallower.

It was a very hot session but it would be almost two years later before we would meet again.   Prior to that he had deleted his A4A account and later recreated it again which was how we chatted.   He mentioned that one of his hookups told his wife about their encounter which of course got her upset and he deleted his account.    We met sporadically a couple more times in 2019 and maybe once or twice in COVID 2020.    But it's since petered out.    At least it was fun while it lasted.

I met Mallard one summer day in 2017 in the back lot of a restaurant.    Mallard and I initially met on Manhunt but his preferred mode of chatting was on Skype.   He best describes himself as an old, crabby, fat man.    When I met him there was a definite attraction.   I didn't find him to be as fat as he made himself out to be.   Yes he had a belly but he also seemed pretty athletic.

 Our encounter consisted of walking down a deserted street and basically stealing touches.   He'd discreetly put his hand underneath my shirt to rub my stomach.  I'd put my hand and rub his stomach and back.   We'd cop quick feels of our growing manhoods here and there.    Our walk eventually led us to a forest preserve.   When I thought it was relatively private, I tried to steal a quick kiss but Mallard wasn't feeling it.    We eventually walked back to our cars where Mallard gave me a present of several pairs of Fruit of the Loom underwear.    Oddly enough he's not the first man to give me underwear.   That distinction would go to my friend/past hookup Midas who gave me designer underwear and a speedo.

So that would be the only time we met.  Oddly enough we chat periodically on Skype where I keep falling into the cat and mouse game of trying to get him to meet up again.    But he keeps playing the "I'm old, cranky, and fat" card.    Apparently he admitted to have a lot of self esteem issues (he said that guys keep insulting him and calling him fat when he posts shirtless photos on his A4A account) and not having a lot of experiences with guys.   He's too afraid to invite anyone over as well.  I admit the game is getting old and I find myself wondering why I continue to waste my time chatting.    Was it really him I met that one time?   It was so long ago I really can't remember.   *LOL*.

Then there's Subby.   I don't remember when we met but it had to be sometime in the summer of 2018.   I didn't think we were much of a match since he's into being humiliated and tortured by a dominant guy.   Also he did not like kissing and mostly bottomed.    Nonetheless we did meet and he pretty much sucked me.   I noticed that it took me a lot longer to get hard.    Eventually he convinced me to fuck him.    He wanted me to do it without a condom but I insisted on putting on one.    And it was a good thing I did since he had a little bit of shit come out.    Needless to say that turned me off.    I quickly pulled out and threw the condom out.    He then went back to sucking me and I eventually came and thankfully he left.   I had to spray the living room afterwards since his odor still lingered.

Subby kept contacting me periodically afterwards to see if we could meet again.  I told him that I didn't think we were a match.    He reiterated how much he enjoyed himself but I told him no.    A little over two years later though I decided to give him another shot.   I was in the middle of a long man drought and was desperate when he reached out yet again.    We agreed that he would only suck me off.     So he came over one late evening after Dom went to bed.   It took me a long time to get hard.    It was a little over an hour before I finally came and then he threw up on my carpet narrowly missing my feet and socks.    Needless to say that was disgusting and it reminded me why I didn't want to see him again in the first place.   

He still tries to reach out to me.   But I know there won't be a third time no matter how desperate I am.

Maxwell was a younger black gentleman that caught my eye on A4A.   He was 29 (gulp 20 years younger than me) and a successful restaurant manager that was relocating to Northwest Indiana from Chicago.   He seemed quite mature for his age (then again I was mature in my 20's as well).   He said he was looking for someone to settle down with.   I told him about Dom and let him know that Dom was my ride or die.

We first met sometime in the summer of 2020 late evening.  I had just started taking my cybersecurity bootcamp classes.   We talked for a bit (he also had to take a call from an assistant at the restaurant) and then we started making out before eventually jacking off.

We met a couple more times and even went out to grab brunch at a local diner.   We learned a lot about each other.    It was cool learning that he also enjoyed dabbling in the stock market.    We even exchanged some stock tips.   (As an aside if anyone is still reading my blog, I implore you to check out BB.   Blackberry used to be a big player on cell phones but has since switched gears and has become a major cybersecurity firm.   They have a stake in providing security to autonomous vehicles via their proprietary software QNX.    I am convinced that they are going to be trading over $100 by 2023.)   

But back to Maxwell.   He's a pretty cool guy though I was realizing I liked him more as a friend than anything else.    His job was stressing him out big time.   He told me how he started out working as a waiter and over the next seven years worked his way to becoming a manager.    He was on the fast track to becoming overall manager of several restaurant chains.   But to save his sanity he decided to cut ties with his employer earlier this year.    We sporadically keep in touch and I hope we can develop more of a friendship.   Lord knows I don't have a lot of gay friends.

There's Doug.   He's a bald mid 40s salesman in decent shape living near the Illinois/Indiana border in Lansing.    We chatted on the infamous A4A site.    We talked about our wants and needs.   I remember telling him about loving to kiss but how COVID was putting a damper on that.   We reassured each other that everything would be fine.    He had a "roommate" that was living with him so would have to meet at my place.

We decided to meet during the day at an unusual location.     He suggested meeting up in my garage.   It would be the first time since Rock (so that's going way back) that I made love in a garage.    And it would be a first in my garage.     So he drove up to my driveway.   Of course my neighbor from across the street happened to be outside his garage.    The neighbor was busy doing his own thing though.  Doug came into the garage and I closed the main door.    

Things got hot and steamy as Doug and I made out.   He was a very good kisser and we really were getting at it.    I opened my car's rear door and we made our way inside while still making out.   He eventually went for my dick and sucked me off.    Then to my surprise I returned the favor.   I admit that I am not a fan of swallowing but for some reason it felt right.   Thankfully he wasn't a big cummer so I didn't feel nauseous.    

We had a great time and met at least a half dozen more times (mostly in my basement).   We pretty much do the same thing which is fine.    But he claims to be so busy all the time so we haven't met in a while.    Such is the life for E.    *LOL*.

I've chatted with a few other guys here and there.   One is a blast from my past that never really took off.  Jamie's a short (about 5'6) stocky daddy bear that I went out with twice in the early 2010's.   He even picked me up to get my new used car (that I still drive today) in March 2014.     We lost touch after that and recently reconnected after I saw his profile on bear411.    I was interested in him but he didn't think I was.    We text here and there but haven't met up yet.    He was talking about possibly meeting up for dinner at a Middle Eastern spot the weekend after Thanksgiving.    We'll see if that happens.

Another guy that I recently chatted with was one I met on yet another social networking site called biggercity.     Ross complimented me on a photo I had where I had a yogurt moustache with a smile.   He had a great torso shot that caught my eye as well.    We've been emailing back and forth and wants to meet me.    Of course he lives outside of Indianapolis which is about two and a half hours from me.

I found out that Ross is a lifetime entertainer having owned several theatres and restaurants.  His heart belongs to New York and he sees himself moving back in the next year or so.   He had bit roles in the mid-80s in a couple of movies that starred big hitters of the time like Cheryl Ladd (of Charlie's Angels fame), Jane Seymour, and Christopher Plummer.    He owned those businesses with his long term partner (both business and personal) Ray.

He invited Dom and I (I still have to tell Dom about it) to a Christmas show he's starring in as Elvis in mid-December.    He's offered up his place to stay at which we would have our own guest room with private bath.   Of course if we meet I would be taking all the risk in seeing him.  If for whatever reason there isn't a connection, it would be a wasted trip aside from the show.    We're not planning on hooking up during that time though.

So those are the main guys that I've interacted with over the last six years.   Of course I met a few one offs and major assholes as usual.    There's this other guy Harry I recently met that is nice but I'm not 100% attracted to him.    He's not the greatest kisser either.   But he is a top which is so rare for me to find so for now I'll keep him.    But ideally I would like to find one or two guys I can meet regularly to scratch that itch while I still have it.    I know my sexual years will decline eventually so have to enjoy it while I can.

So What Happens Now?

 Some great news skills wise for me.   I successfully passed the Tableau Desktop Specialist certification exam.   I'm not going to lie, the exam itself definitely had me on edge.   Many of the questions required you to choose multiple answers.   In particular there were questions with three correct answers where I would know 2 of the correct answers right away but struggle on the third.    The total time given for the test was 60 minutes and I wound up using 54 minutes before finally submitting my answers.

I went to a small local testing center 5 miles away from my home.   After validating my identification, the proctor placed me in a small room with three desktops.    She then assigned me to the desktop on the far right.    I was given a notepad where you can quickly write down some formulas or other key facts before starting the exam.    Once you start you're not allowed to write anything else down.    You're also not allowed to have any personal items like cell phones, keys, or even your wallet.   You are on candid camera the entire time to ensure you're not cheating.

I was so glad I was in the room alone.   Even though I knew there was a camera, I found myself cursing under my breath at some questions, making faces, and then covering my eyes after submitting my answers, afraid to see the words FAIL after answering pages and pages of survey questions.   I can imagine the proctors getting a good laugh from the various antics test takers do.    When I saw the word PASS come up, I screamed but covered my mouth.    I definitely didn't want to have to retake it again and am glad I don't have to.

I kid you not, after leaving the test center, I sat in my car for about ten minutes just in a daze.   Of course I immediately went to my phone to notify Dom and my sisters on my latest achievement.    I drove to a nearby grocery store with the intention of getting some items for dinner but couldn't really focus, only buying some Albanese sour gummies.

So now I come to the end of the Pathfinder program.   I'm definitely hoping a better paying, skillful job is in my future.    I told Dom that if nothing happens, I may have to look for another program.   Of course Dom gave me the side eye.    *LOL*

It reminded me of Lynn Searcy (played by the lovely Persia White) from the hit UPN show Girlfriends that came out in 2000.    She was the perpetual student that had over 8 different degrees but no job.   Lynn basically had no real focus and floated through life mooching off her other girlfriends.   Of course obviously I'm no mooch.   Thank goodness I saved during my working years (that and my severance helped for sure) but I'm definitely reaching the end of my rope and need to boost my income.

With that said, as much as I hate my Amazon job, assuming I finally get that corporate job, I would like to stay at Amazon for at least another two months before dropping it.   I would take the extra small income to rebuild a portion of my savings.   Also there's always that three week gap before you get your first paycheck since at minimum companies want you to have one week's pay once you leave.   It's a pain in the butt waiting for that first check.   Still getting the small check from Amazon would help.

So graduation from the Pathfinder program will be a virtual event on November 17th.   It's definitely a bittersweet moment.   I can say I feel like I connected more with some of the students via Pathfinder than I did in the cybersecurity boot camp I took in August 2020.    As cliché as it sounds, I was able to bring my authentic self in the program and that went a long way in helping me learn and feeling accepted. 

Here's to that next chapter.    What's it gonna be?

M.O.M.

 It was two years ago on this date that my Mom lost her battle with cancer.    I was in the room with her when she passed away.   I still replay those last moments in my head.    The caretaker was in the room as well and I was helping her clean my Mom up.   

I'm not sure if my Mom was aware what was happening.   She was moaning non-stop and was definitely in another world.    My Mom believed that those who passed before guides those who are passing into the next life.   I like to hope that our ancestors were guiding my Mom and that once she died, she was at peace.   In the movies an older person usually reverts to their younger self and all illness is gone.   I want that for my Mom and all of us.

I have so many memories of my Mom that make me smile when I think of them.   Like I remember one time in my thirties that I took my Mom to the Hamtramck Post Office for her to mail a package to our family back overseas.    She preferred going to the Hamtramck location since at the time there was a large Polish population living there and customer service had more experience dealing with international packages.   So this particular time we were served by this lady that was a bitch and made us get out of line to re-tape our package.    My Mom is the sweetest person so it gave me quite the chuckle when she whispered to me that the lady was a bitch.

There was this other time during one of my numerous road trips to Detroit visiting the old home.   We were in the dining room watching an episode of Undercover Boss.     Trina was also in the room watching as well.    So we get to the portion of the program where the "undercover boss" reveals themselves to the unsuspecting folks that showed them how to do their job.    So as part of the reveal the bosses give various rewards.    This boss gave an award of paying off this workers student loans, an option to train for a better role in the company, and some other items I don't remember.   The lady upon receiving all this started crying and it seemed to come from a genuine place.   Her emotions moved me to start crying as well.   

Upon seeing me crying I remember Mom asking me why I was crying and if I was doing okay.   She asked if I was doing okay financially and if I needed help.   Her questions took me out of the moment and I told her everything was fine.   I told her that I was empathic with the lady and was moved by the gesture but she didn't believe me.   I remembered thinking 'damn, can't I be emphatic to a person's situation without it having to be because of something going on with me'.    But my Mom didn't see it that way and there was no convincing her otherwise.

One of my favorite memories of Mom was one that I shared before in my first blog.   It was the moment that I came out to my parents after my Mom basically forced me out of the closet.   It was a moment that I worried would change our relationship for the worst but wound up being the best thing for us.   I am so happy too that my Mom got to meet Dom for the first time in 2015.    So she along with my Dad did get to see me bring a guy home.

I plan to light a candle in my Mom's honor.    The timing is close to All Soul's Day where we honor all those who have passed before us.   My Mom believed that lighting a candle was a way to guide a spirit and light their way.   I will light it in Memory of Mom.   I love you Mama.

Pushing 50

I'm less than a year away from reaching the half-century mark.    It was a mostly uneventful day spent working with some Pathfinder cohorts on a final project as part of Solutions Week.    We received a business scenario and must design a Salesforce solution to address the business need.     There are 27 different teams working on the scenario and the top 3 teams will be selected to present their solution at a virtual career fair being held November 3rd.    I'm not great at presenting so am hoping our team isn't selected.   

I received birthday candy from Trina and Dom.   The latter also cooked a surf and turf meal for us to enjoy at home.   It was a great day overall.

As I inch closer to 50, I can't help but to reflect on where my life has taken me.   That job I mentioned in my last post did not come to fruition like the others.   So I'm still on the hunt.    It is hard to believe how quickly time is going by.   I don't like thinking about death but with my Mom gone and my Dad in his 90's, I know that one day I too will be meeting my maker.   There was this quote that I read regarding death that "we are all standing in line" whether we like it or not.   We don't know our place in the line but regardless nobody gets out of here alive.

I do like to hope that I do a few more things before I die.   I would definitely like to travel to some more places (COV-ID be damned).   It's always that issue of time, money, and health.    Right now I have the time and I'm relatively healthy but I don't have the money.    Ideally if (lol I can hear Dom say 'when') I get a better paying job, I'll have the money and hopefully good health but I won't have as much time.   Then when I get even older, there'll be a day when I possibly have the money and for sure have the time but my health won't allow it.    It's the sad cycle of life.

That's why I always remind myself to enjoy some little pleasures where I can.   Dom and I spent a great day visiting Chicago's Museum of Science and Industry (which I haven't been to in ages...actually I don't remember if I've ever gone) and then heading to Argyle's Chinatown to enjoy some Dim Sum at a place that I haven't been in years since Sally and I went.     It was an enjoyable day (even with the cold, rainy weather which the rain thankfully waited till we were back home) and I admit I lamented on the meal cost later on but reminded myself it was a great meal and it was a good memory to have.    Dom had never eaten at that particular location and he did enjoy the food.

Even at Amazon I try to focus on the eye candy and interesting items to get me through the day.   I suck on peppermint candy at periodic times through the shift to give me something to look forward to until my breaks and finally freedom.   Oddly enough even the less enjoyable moments eventually have to end.

As cliché as it sounds, it is the little things that are really the big things in life.   Here's to many more little moments.

Back On The Hunt

 So I'm halfway through my training for Tableau.   There were some bumps along the way in doing the training.   There was a change in proctors for the actual certification which meant that the # of questions on the exam was changing as well.   The previous version had 30 questions which included access to Google for researching and testing of building graphs to answer some questions.    The new version has 45 questions w/o access to Google and no graphs.   Those who signed up on the website to take the training prior to August 1st would take the test with the old proctor and those after August 1st would take it with the new one.   Since we signed up after August 1st, we would be taking the new version.

We received a welcome email from Tableau which did give us links to the new proctor that included a free voucher for the exam.   Unfortunately though the other links provided was for the old version of the training.   Also there was a confusion over which version of Tableau to use as they frequently upgrade and there was an upgrade specifically for the new testing.

All the confusion caused stress for myself and a lot of the other students.  Thankfully one of our Salesforce instructors was instrumental in getting things straightened out.   

As for Tableau itself, it's definitely a very robust tool with lots of functionality.   I pray that I can remember enough to successfully pass.    We do get two free attempts.   I'm guessing after the second I'll have to pay for it (though maybe the Pathfinder program may have more vouchers...no clue and hopefully it won't get to that).    The cost though is cheaper than the Comptia cert exams, $100 versus $329 so at least that would be manageable if I had to retest.

So I'm also at the point in the program where I need to resume my job hunt.   That has been a nightmare as I've previously mentioned.    I applied for over 60 positions after successfully completing my cyber security bootcamp and maybe had 5 actual interviews in that time (and that's being generous...I only recall 2).    It is disappointing hearing about the supposed shortage in cybersecurity roles but the tight vice that industry has in bringing new people.   I'm not looking forward to the whole applying and interviewing process.     But I'll have to buck up.   I actually do have an interview tomorrow with a hiring manager at a major company.    We'll see what happens.

Also I'm excited because I'll be visiting my family later this week in Detroit.   The last time I was in Detroit was last Christmas.   It'll be good to see my Dad, Trina, and hopefully Tasha will get a chance to drop by.    She did promise to possibly bring some food.    I plan to visit my Mom as well at her resting space.   I do miss her a lot and she's constantly on my mind.   It is weird though.   Even though I think about her a lot, I haven't cried for her since her funeral.    I suppose I did get some closure and I am comforted by the fact that she's not suffering anymore.   I like to think that she's watching us from above (well except for any private moments...*LOL*).

Also I'll get a chance to see Sally who I haven't seen since she lost her cousin to cancer about a month before my Mom lost her battle.   So it's been almost 2 years.   Sally's Mom who I've become close to over the years as well is turning 80 years young.    Her Mom decided to host a party at one of the area parks.   I'll need to pack a chair for seating.    I was contemplating possibly bringing my Dad with me.   But I don't know the logistics of the park the party will be at and how far parking is from where they'll be at.   Plus my Dad has a hard time walking so I don't want him to have walk very far.    So I may have to table that suggestion.

We're Falling Apart

So I had an unofficial week off my Salesforce training program due to successfully passing the Salesforce Admin exam on my 1st go-round and gaining my 1st Salesforce certification.    Can I give myself a *woop woop*?    I think I just did.   The second half of my training starts this week and I'm officially going to study Tableau which is one of the top data analytic tools out there.    So I'm eagerly looking forward to adding that skill to my experience in addition to ideally obtaining a second cert of Tableau Desktop Specialist.

Dom had another one of his conventions that he wanted me to go with him to that happened to fall on my unofficial off week.    I of course wasn't too keen on going since it's not my bag and it brought on new worries about the house.   I was concerned that if I didn't pass my Salesforce Admin that I would have to focus on studying for that as well.  I also wasn't looking forward to being stuck in a train for almost a whole day and wearing a mask.    

Well obviously I passed the cert so I didn't have that fear pass.   Thankfully the house was still in one piece when we returned from our nearly week long trip to Washington D.C.    I survived being stuck in the train though we both really need to get a COV-ID test this week with all our potential exposures on the train and during the convention.    Hell I've been blowing my nose constantly since I've been back.   Even though we've gotten two shots of the Pfizer drug (which has officially been approved by the FDA), vaccinated folks are still susceptible.   

But one new worry has been becoming obvious.   Unfortunately it's a worry that may not go away anytime soon.   Dom has been slowing down lately.   One of the things that we enjoy doing together is walking.    Dom always prided himself on being able to easily move around and has said that if he ever can't walk again to just shoot him.

So we had to take the Southshore train to downtown to then walk over to Union Station.   We make it downtown fine but then I notice as I'm walking that Dom is lagging farther behind.   Sure he packed the world for this trip but that's never slowed him down before.   It became more apparent as we were making our way down the Pedway that Dom was down for the count.    I was worried that we wouldn't make it to our Amtrak.    We made it with less than five minutes to spare.

It was the same throughout the trip.    Dom's feet have become quite swollen as well.    Also he's been having painful cramps in his hands and feet that debilitate him for seconds at a time.    He suspects it may be dehydration and has been upping his water intake.   Having diabetes is no joke.

I worry about Dom because he's constantly taking anti-inflammation and anti-diarrhea drugs.  It makes me wonder about the long-term effects of them.

I don't know what we can do.   He's not really open to my suggestions (granted I don't know all the answers...I like to think I do...*LOL*.).    Even though we're not officially married I am with Dom for better or worse.   I'm praying we can get through this.