Tomorrow Robins Will Sing

Tomorrow Robins Will Sing - Stevie Wonder

VERSE 1:

Now where do I start to make the point that I'll be making?

To most efficiently use time that I'll be taking

With the clear understanding that every ticking second is precious to us all

But if you let me bend your ear and listen up you will hear

Not just what I sing, but every word that I am saying

You wake in the morning from a dream with spirts dope hype

Though your real life condition is far from being alright

Your love has wronged you, your money's gone, you lost your home and everything you own

But before you do something major extreme

I've got one simple thing for you to take along with you, as you go on your lonely way

REFRAIN:

Tomorrow robins will sing

Tomorrow robins will sing

It really is no big thing, 'cause tomorrow robins will sing

Tomorrow blue jays will fly

The weather's forecast clear skies

So dry those tears from your eyes, 'cause tomorrow blue jays will fly

VERSE 2:

You borrow a dime to call up a friend that you could rely on

They put the phone down, you hear on the background (tell him I'm not home)

Your face is broken, your throat is choking, you hang up the phone in disbelief

And to make matters worse

You can remember you were the first & only one to come to him when lonely was his everyday

But if what you did came from your heart and not expecting

Then you should not waste one heart beat on any regretting

The saying's older than old yet true for today as when it was made to be told

As you sow so shall you reap

And if you've treated life sweet

Your blessing's been ordained and already on its way

REPEAT REFRAIN

BRIDGE:

Today is the tomorrow you were so worried about

Looking over your yesterday

The clouds are gone and the sun is out

And everything has worked out I'll be okay

REPEAT REFRAIN TWICE

I had this eargasm in my head most of my Sunday while at work.   Actually I have a lot of random thoughts that pop in my head during my workday while trying to break to monotony of packing or picking customer items.  I remember Tomorrow Robins Will Sing when it came out in the mid 90's on Stevie Wonder's Conversation Peace album.   The theme of the song was similar to Bobby McFarren's Don't Worry, Be Happy.    But as positive as Mr. McFarren's song was, I didn't really connect with it like I did with Stevie Wonder's hit.    A random person commented on YouTube that Stevie Wonder couldn't write a bad song if he tried.    That is so true.

Life has definitely thrown its share of lemons my way.    There are times that I feel dismayed by it all.   Thankfully I haven't done anything major extreme in hopes of the problem going away.   Because I know it won't go away.    I have to remind myself to take those lemons and make lemonade where I can.

I hate my job with a passion.   But there are a couple positives.    One is that I'm only working a part-time schedule.    Obviously that sucks in terms of my take home check though thankfully I have the option to volunteer for extra time which I've done in the past.    One of the few colleagues I befriended at the job in fact works the same part-time schedule but volunteers four additional days a week so she's basically full-time.    The benefit of doing that is that the differential pay carries over to any additional days worked.    In fact once you get the part-time schedule, it's really hard to switch back to full-time.   An additional benefit is that if you work 30 hours a week on average, you can still get health insurance.   Unfortunately my average has fallen off since I haven't worked too many extra days so I don't get insurance for now.

Another benefit is all the man candy that works at the job.   Seeing a hot guy or two, even if we don't talk to each other, momentarily lifts the sadness of my day.    In fact there's this one bearish guy that I think is family but I obviously won't ask.   I've run into him and 'his hag' during my walk to my car on break and on one occasion coming back, he had his ass crack and briefs exposed for everyone to see.   I wanted to go up and touch it but obviously that's not socially acceptable...*LOL*.   I mean a guy has to know that his ass is exposed even if there isn't much of a breeze.   I guess he doesn't care.

The other main benefit is I get to what Dom calls, shop on company time.   As I'm scanning items I quickly peruse if it may be something I'm interested in.    And sometimes you'll pick up products with half naked men (like a romance novel or briefs).    I usually keep those in the bin till the last item so I can enjoy staring at it.    I'm a mess.

But I am grateful to have some work even if it's not what I want to be doing forever.    My Salesforce class is 1/4 of the way done and I feel relatively positive about it.   It's gonna get a bit more challenging from here on out but I'm ready for it.   I'm truly praying it'll lead to sunnier skies.   

Yes indeed, tomorrow robins will sing.

Snow Flash

 Dom and I spent last weekend (July 10 - 11) in a small town in Central Indiana visiting his parents and also attending his nephew's wedding reception held in Bloomington, IN at his sister's and her husband's new home in a brand new subdivision.   The home itself is pretty nice with a lot of open floor space.   The party itself was cool and everyone was nice even with the brief political conversation that went south.   Dom's family is predominantly republican and one strongly missed 45 and felt ill will on Biden.   Dom of course argued back as I sat back and tried not to laugh.   But what can you do?

It was nice having a weekend off from Amazon even though I did work two extra Tuesdays to try and make up some of the missed pay since I took Unpaid Time Off.    Speaking of UPT I was so pissed losing two hours of it both Tuesdays due to missing second half of shift by a minute.   Not realizing that I needed to deduct a minute of my vacation time to make the difference, the system instead automatically deducts an hour of unpaid.   I'm really praying a better job comes along.

But back to the story at hand.   The original plan was for Dom to drive both his parents and I to Bloomington.   Unfortunately though his Mom was experiencing leg pain and was suspecting a possible blood clot.    So not wanting to risk anything she opted to stay home.

So the 2 1/2 to 3 hour ride to Bloomington took almost 5 hours due to stopping at McDonald's for breakfast, Walgreens for last minute party favors. and some hole-in-the-wall truck diner for lunch that served the best fried mushrooms.    And then there was food at the party.

Driving back to his parents did take about 3 hours thankfully.    The trip to and from took the whole day which was draining even though Dom did all the driving.

So we left his parents for our own home on Sunday morning.   Dom and I wanted to stop at the Walmart near his parents to get a tower A/C unit like his folks had that blasted.   Then he wanted to meet an old college friend of his that currently is a den Mom for a school in Culver.    Finally we wanted to pick up dinner before getting home.

Everything went as planned.   We didn't find the exact unit but a close enough replica.   Dom and I both enjoyed hanging out with his friend and them catching up on their lives.  Dinner pick-up went ok even with the way overpriced chicken wings I got at Quaker Steak & Lube while he opted for a burrito at El Salto.   

Monday came and I wanted to get a card and a gift card for Tasha's 50th birthday.   (OMG we're getting old...*LOL*).    Dom was having issues with getting his metaformin refilled from the clinic that he goes to.   He was hoping to run to Costco and then the clinic to find out why they haven't responded to refilling his prescription for the last month.

I go out to the garage to get to my car.   I unlock the door and hear something scurrying somewhere inside.   I freak out wondering if it's a mouse or a rat.   I stand silent for a minute and then open the main garage door.  I walk up to my car and just when I'm about to open it, I hear a cry that sounds like a cat.   The only thing is I have no idea where he is.    

There's a bunch of branches and items on the floor near Dom's caravan and I don't want to spook it.    I try to call Dom and message him but he's not responding.   I finally run back to the house to find Dom asleep.   I tell him what's going on and he's a bit unfazed by the situation but I tell him that we need to find the cat.   At the same time I needed to get to the store so I could mail off Tasha's card before the mail pick-up.    

Confirming that the sounds were not coming from my car, I slowly back out and run my errands.   I get back and the cat is still crying.   I rack my brain trying to figure out where it's coming from.   I feel hot and the mosquitos are unfortunately in full force so I go back inside to cool off.    Dom in the meantime is napping totally unfazed...*LOL*.  

I return to the garage and I have the idea to go on Youtube via my horrible T-Mobile MotoG7 phone and play a video of kittens meowing.   I start to play it and then he starts meowing.    Something tells me that the cat is actually a kitten.   I begin to wonder if perhaps he hitchhiked his way back to our home underneath Dom's engine.

I look underneath Dom's caravan and do not see anything underneath.   But the crying persists.   It's a

 

bit frustrating since I can't seem to find the source of the sound.    I begin to think it's all in my head when it dawns on me to open up the hood of the caravan.   It takes me a few minutes to find the lever to push it open.   I finally do and then I get a glimpse of the little fella.   He's sitting snug as a rug inside of the engine crying out still.   I'm in a state of shock.   It's a relief to see him and know I wasn't going crazy.   I try to do everything I can to convince him to come out.   I try to reach for him but the engine is too tight to safely pull him out and he also backs away when I try to get him.

I take a break and go back inside.   I tell Dom about it and he's shocked.   I share my theory about the kitten hitching a ride.   Dom expresses disbelief that he could've been in the engine the whole time we traveled since we made several stops along the way and any hitchhiker would've hopped off as soon as the car stopped.   He believed the cat came in from the narrow opening of our garage doorway.

I go back outside later on to try and convince the kitten to come out.   This is to no avail.   I get frustrated because I unfortunately needed to retire soon.   I also felt like Dom wasn't taking the situation seriously at all.   I finally get Dom to come out to the garage to try his luck.   Unfortunately it didn't work and rather than continue to be bitten by mosquitos, we decide to retire for the night.

I wake up at 3:30 AM Tuesday morning to slowly get myself ready for work.    From the kitchen window I can hear the kitten crying out loud.    He's so loud in fact I wonder if he actually left the garage.   I step outside and since it's dark I use the flashlight from my phone to see if I can spot him.  I didn't see him so I went back inside to eat breakfast, try to relax, and then get ready for my early morning commute.

I get ready to leave and try to make sure that he's nowhere near my car.   After feeling sure that he's not in or near my car, I back it out of the garage.   I go inside to make sure that he's still around and after a minute, he does cry out.   So since he's there I proceed to head to work and send Dom a message letting him know that the kitten is still in the garage.

Dom tries his luck during the day to try and lure him out.    But similar to how he acted around me, he moved deeper into the engine area and kept crying.    Dom wanted to go to Costco but he's afraid to start the car with him inside.   He contemplates walking to the fire station (which is only a few blocks from us) to see if they could help get him out.    He also found out that there's a Humane Society not to far from us.    The rub was that they were closed on Tuesday and wouldn't reopen till tomorrow.

I got off my work shift at 3pm and I tried to see if there was another Humane Society open still.   There was one in Munster but they were only open till 4 and I knew I wouldn't get there in time.    So I started to think about where I could borrow an animal trap to catch him.   Unfortunately Snow (the name I finally gave him) was skittish around us and wouldn't let us touch or lift him without running back under the caravan.

When I got closer to home I first stopped at an Ace Hardware.   I asked if it was possible to rent an animal trap but they said they don't rent them but I could buy one.    A few doors down I saw there was a veterinary clinic.    I took a chance that maybe I could borrow a trap there.   Unfortunately they didn't have any either.   I was getting tired but decided I'd just have to buy a few pet items instead.   I went to Big Lots and purchased a couple cans of cat food, a small pet bed, litter, and a small toy.   I also purchased some catnip at Meijer's.

Before going in the house, I try to get Snow to come out from under the car.   But he doesn't budge.   I decide to place the cat mat along with an open can of cat food and some water.    I also put some cat litter nearby and then retreat inside.   I came out two hours later and I saw that he did eat some of the food and his little paw prints were in the litter box.     But he still doesn't come out.   I decide to call it a day and take back the cat food for the night so other vermin doesn't get in it.

Wednesday morning Dom calls the Humane Society to see if they have people that come over and take pets away.    They mentioned not doing that service but recommended a few animal control folks.   Dom proceeded to leave a message with one service but wasn't sure if they'd call back.    After not hearing back from them, I wonder if perhaps the Humane Society may have traps that we could borrow.    I called them and they said they had one available for a $40 charge which they pay back once you return the trap.    I go get the trap and after looking up some instructions on Youtube (yes you can find anything on Youtube it seems), I set it up just besides the caravan.

Just as I'm getting back in the house to tell Dom about the trap, we get a knock on the door from animal control.   I answer the door and tell the lady that I was able to obtain a trap and already have one set in the garage.   She asks me what I plan to do with Snow once I capture him and I tell her that I'll take him to the humane society.    She is okay with the answer and leaves.

In all honesty I was starting to catch feelings for Snow and wanted to keep him.   Dom wasn't feeling it but said he was willing to have Snow be an outdoor cat.   I wasn't keen on that idea but figured it was better than nothing.    But then Dom changed his mind and said once we catch Snow we should set him free into the neighborhood.   I objected to that idea as well.

It took a couple more hours but I waited patiently in the garage for Snow to come out from under the vehicle.    He kept crying throughout while staying hidden.    He finally slowly came out and I did my best to stay still as one slight move and he would run back under the car.    He walked around the outside of the trap, smelling the canned food I left in the corner.    Finally he made his way into the trap itself.   I hoped that his body weight would be enough to trigger the trap.   It was.

He was momentarily stunned and then began crying some more.   I moved him into another corner of the garage.    Dom and I were hungry for dinner and went out for a bit.   I had left my own car outside overnight but was able to bring it back in safely without having to worry about running over Snow.

I was finally able to send pictures of Snow to Dom's family to confirm identity.   Dom had finally convinced me that there was no way Snow could've been riding inside our engine the entire time.   But Dom's sister confirmed that it was indeed Snow, except she called him Flash because of the small patch of black on top of his head that she thought was shaped like a lightning bolt.    We were shocked.

His sister learned of our plans to take Flash to the Humane Society and immediately was against the idea, suspecting that they would put him to sleep.   She implored us to find someone that would take him.   I tried again to appeal to Dom once more thinking we could keep him in the laundry room.  But Dom pointed out how that wouldn't work in the winter since we kept the basement closed to keep the cold weather out.    He was thinking we'd have to build small trap doors for Flash to get through.   So that was out.

I tried looking at options online for homes for Flash but nothing panned out.   In the end Dom let me know he talked to the family and they agreed to meet at a halfway point to transfer Flash back to his home.   And that's just what we did.   Flash has quite the story to tell his posse once he gets over the trauma.  

The Apple Tree

 For some reason this past Fourth of July the fireworks in the neighborhood seemed to be extra loud.   It could've been because there wasn't much in terms of fireworks in 2020 due to COV-ID.    As Dom and I were settling in the living room for an evening of Mr. Selfridge, we couldn't help but be distracted by the explosive action happening just two doors down from us.    As an aside if you haven't watched Mr. Selfridge you're definitely in for a treat.    The series focuses on the life of the extravagant Mr. Selfridge as he works his way to opening his self-named London department store.   And it doesn't hurt that the man playing the title role is none other than hottie actor Jeremy Pivens whom I've had a crush on for years.   I even dated this guy years back for longer than I should've because at certain angles he resembled the actor.

But back to the issue at hand.   So it got to the point that as the fireworks progressed, we even saw flashes of light coming through our living room window.   At that point Dom had enough and ran up to our mud room to yell at the offenders (who were a bunch of preteen boys).   I ran up behind Dom trying to tell him not to make the situation worse.    From my vantage point it looked like the boys momentarily stood still when hearing Dom yell and I saw an adult emerge to seemingly direct the kids to back off.    But as I figured would happen, they were back at it within ten to fifteen minutes and it seemed to get worse before they finally stopped two hours later. 

As I thought more about the situation, I was realizing how my reactions mirrored how my Mom used to react in similar situations.    There were many times growing up where certain things people did would set my Dad off and my Mom was always trying to calm the situation much to the chagrin of my Dad.  The worst one I could remember was when our old neighborhood was in decline and drug dealers were pretty much taking over the street.   They would even leave their drugs under our front mats.   There were a couple of them that would decide to pee right by our side door.    My Dad decided to confront one of them directly.    My Mom and I were very nervous and she tried to stop my Dad but he wouldn't listen.    Thankfully nothing happened and for a New York minute, the peeing stopped but of course it resumed again.

I chuckled when realizing that Dom and I were playing the roles of my parents.   Dom himself is definitely not afraid to confront people when they're doing wrong whereas I prefer a more passive aggressive approach.

Unfortunately one thing I worry about is that I see myself getting overly worried about our house when we're both gone for several days.    Sadly we did get our home robbed in 2016.    We immediately suspected a no-good former Church member who I mistakenly invited to pick up an old dresser that I wanted to get rid of.    That person came over with the shadiest "friend" that looked like someone who did time in prison.   They wanted to get in the house but Dom wouldn't let them (since he found the friend suspicious as well) and we all just walked to the garage from outside where I had the dresser.   

A few days later Dom and I left home for a trip to Vegas.    We were gone for about 5 days and when we came back our home was robbed.    We immediately suspected the aforementioned former Church member and his shady friend.   Unfortunately we couldn't prove it and the Gary police department wouldn't even do their job.    The officer refused to go in our house to see what had happened and when we asked about fingerprints, they said they wouldn't do fingerprints unless a murder was committed.    Plus they didn't interrogate our neighbors like I thought they would to see if they saw something.   As a not so funny aside they labeled Dom and I as "roommates" on the official police report.

The one mistake I made was not talking to our next door neighbors myself.   The thieves gained entry way through our back door and often our neighbors would be outside in their yard and from their vantage point they could possibly see from their kitchen window who was going in and out.   Plus at the time they had a yippy dog who always used to bark whenever one of us came out in the yard.    I felt like they may have saw something but due to my personality, I didn't talk to them.

A potential opportunity came a day after the robbery when Dom and I were coming back from walking around the block.   I told Dom that while we were outside we should go up to the neighbor's door and see if we could talk to them.   He didn't want to so we didn't.   But hindsight being 50/50, I should've gone myself to do so.   If nothing else to let them know a robbery had occurred and to see if there was a history of that in the neighborhood.

Ever since that happened I've developed a complex about leaving the house empty even if it's for a few hours.    This was something my Mom used to do as well.   I remember always telling her that things would be okay and Dom tells me the same.    She would refuse to go anywhere and it got worse when she was diagnosed with Parkinson's in 1999.

Dom and I have gone on trips since that robbery and thankfully haven't had anything happen.    We also since have gotten "The Ring" installed around our property and have purchased a couple timers to plug our lamps to come on at different times of the evening.   Plus we use a security lock in the back.    But I still worry.   In fact we plan on being gone again for a few days in the near future.   I'm sure things will be okay.   But again I still worry.   I haven't gotten to the point where I'll refuse to go anywhere but I can't help but wonder if that may be my future as I get older.

You Picked A Prime Time

 I broke a cardinal rule a couple threads down in mentioning my current place of employment.   I normally keep specifics out but in this case I felt Amazon is a large enough conglomerate that I need not worry.   So Amazon had their Prime days on June 21 and 22 this year.    According to their news it was one of their most successful to date.    To handle all the extra volume, associates are required to work an extra hour during Prime.    So instead of 10 hour days it was 11 hours.    It definitely was extra tedious as always but I pushed through it.    Thankfully since I'm only working part-time, I only had one day of impact.   But while working there I'm on my feet a little over 9 1/2 hours of my 10 hour shift.    By the time I get home I ache all over and can barely move.   Dom makes dinner and I somehow manage to wash the dishes and have about 30 minutes downtime to surf or play games before I'm ready to crash.

It's the hard knock life for E these days.   But I do realize that things could always be worse.   No matter how bad it gets, it's better to make a tiny bit of income than none at all.    But I haven't given up on getting a better paying job.   Interviewing has been a bust so the next best option is to pick up new skills.

For years before I got laid off from my analyst position, I had been curious about cybersecurity.   I keep reading about how there's this shortage of professionals to combat the increasing threats of cyber criminals.   So after my second contract job ended I was thinking of going back to school to get a master degree in cybersecurity.   But then I had this nagging feeling about accumulating student loan debt (aside from unfortunately accumulating huge credit card debt...uggh).    At the time I was 46 years old and the thought of having to pay student loans well into my 50's and possibly 60's was not an appealing thought.   

I had thought about Western Governor's University.   At the time they were touting a lower cost alternative to the traditional college program.    They charge a flat rate every six months and during that time you can take as many courses (one at a time) in that time period.    The courses are related to the degree and it's a pass/fail system.

But I procrastinated and didn't go that route.   And then there was COV-ID.   I did have the Amazon job and didn't lose my job like lots of people did.   But those first few months not knowing much about COV-ID and suddenly being deemed an "essential worker" it was scary going into work.   Eventually we were given masks to wear on our faces.   And I pushed through it and still am.

I learned about this academy that had cyber security bootcamps.   At the time I was working with a caseworker from Indiana's Work One program.   Work One gave me help with resume building, interviewing skills, and job leads (though a lot of the jobs were ones I weren't necessarily interested in).   My caseworker mentioned the particular academy that I ultimately joined.   There was some funding that Work One would provide to help cover costs but I would have to cover some of the costs as well.   In the hopes of getting into the course, I completed some pre-work for the bootcamp and even attended an orientation.   Unfortunately Work One wasn't able to agree on funding and I was unable to participate in the program.

As it happens I learned about the Cares Act that was made law in 2020.    The academy mentioned that the Cares Act would cover $10000 in cost and unlike previous acts, it included a provision that folks who already had a college degree could still be covered.    I also had an additional credit for attending a free orientation.    In the end I would have to cover $2500.   I felt like it was a great opportunity and they mentioned providing support afterwards in seeking employment.

So the bootcamp was about 24 weeks.  It was a grueling experience and the goal was to obtain two certifications, Network+ and Security+.  I fell short on passing the Network+ exam and in order to get to the cyber lab portion and successfully complete the bootcamp, I needed to pass Security+.   It took a lot of studying but I did successfully pass and I did complete the bootcamp.

But getting the job was another story.   As I learned the reason they push Network+ as well is because for a lot of folks you don't get that cybersecurity job right up front.   You have to start in technical support apparently and maybe after a year or two, it may lead you to an entry level job.   It's disappointing having that reality especially when you keep hearing that there's this shortage.   But these companies want you to have all this experience beforehand which obviously you learn over time.

So I wound up taking a different path.   I saw an opportunity being advertised to learn Salesforce for free.   The program is being ran and sponsored by employees at both Salesforce and Deloitte.  I had heard about Salesforce before but I never had the chance to learn about it.   There was an online application that needed to be filled out in order to be considered for the program.    There were a few questions that were asked in the application.    Assuming my application caught their eye, the next step would be a 45 minute online interview with a Salesforce employee.

My application passed successfully and I had that interview.   I had a great vibe with the interviewer and I did my best to express my excitement to learn about Salesforce and ideally find employment.   But I didn't think I did enough.   Interviewing is my Achilles' heel and apparently I've been falling short for the longest time.    It's just been frustrating to not find anyone willing to take a chance on someone who gave over 20 years of his time to one company and proved to be a loyal committed employee.   But that doesn't matter it seems these days.   In fact it seems like job hopping is the way to go.    But I'm not bitter.   Much.

Alas I did get that callback...finally.   I did get accepted into the Salesforce program.   That's where I am today.   So far I'm four weeks into the program and so far so good.   The best part is that it IS totally free including them covering the costs of 2 Salesforce certifications.   That's a good thing too since I'm still paying for the cyber bootcamp (last payment should be in December 2021).   I'm praying that I'm on the right path.   But I won't give up.

I will say that Dom has been my rock (LOL...not Rock for anyone who remembers him) through it all.   Even when I'm feeling negative he always has a positive spirit and tells me I can do it.    Or that I got the job even if it doesn't happen.  I guess he's the Winnie to my Eeyore.

So we'll see where things take me.

Open Sesame

Almost seven years ago I mentioned meeting a guy I nicknamed Dom.   I had met him around the tail end of some health issues I was dealing with at the time.   So fast forward to present day and wouldn't you know it, we're still together.   He's officially my longest relationship to date.

Sally and I had talked about it and she made the observation that Dom came at the right time.   She was my emergency contact and go-to-person for any issues I needed help with.   We were there for each other for over 20 years at that time.   She met Dom weeks before leaving Chicago permanently mid-November 2014.   She and Dom (and I) had great conversation and later she told me privately that she "approved of this union"...LOL.

With Sally leaving for Alabama I would no longer have her around.   She was hopeful that Dom would fill that void.   Dom of course won't take her place but he has proven himself time and time again.

It's been quite the road getting to where we are today.   If I'm being honest I came to visit him more times than he came to me at the beginning of our relationship..    I remember Eugene pointing that out to me a few times.   He's all about the 50/50 which definitely is the ideal way things should go.   But unfortunately it doesn't always go that way.

I did enjoy visiting him even though within hours of getting to his place, I would get the worst allergy.  I would have fits of sneezing and my nose would become very stuffed.  It would clear up once I got back home.   Despite that I liked the neighborhood that Dom was in.   The best part was that he was only a mile or two away from Lake Michigan.   

In contrast I was not happy where I was living.   I wasn't happy for a long time.   I would've moved years back but the housing market took a turn for the worst in 2008.    I was a double minority in a 99% Caucasian block.   I did have nice neighbors including an elderly couple that lived directly across from me.    But when I participated in a block party a year or two back (2012), I definitely was made to feel unwelcome by some on the block.   Sally actually came out to support me and I remember clearly she tried to introduce herself to one neighbor who proceeded to ignore her.   I was livid.   It reminded me that I needed to get out.    So it felt nice to get away from home temporarily as I was racking up the miles.

I didn't go every weekend though.   I stayed in my neck of the woods one or two weekends a month.   I could count on one hand the number of times Dom visited my place in the almost two years I remained there.   But that really didn't bother me.

As we got to know each other there were issues that tested whether we'd continue or not.   The first issue was kids or no kids.   At the time I had wanted to have a couple kids but I didn't relish the thought of doing it alone.    Dom was (and still is obviously) eight years older than me and stated he had no desire to have children.   He was a school teacher and felt that was the closest he wanted to be to being around kids.   Basically he physically felt too old at 50 years old to be caring for a newborn.   It was fair.    I had to decide whether or not that would be a deal breaker.   

One of the things I felt guilty about was my parents not having any grandchildren from my sisters and I.   Neither of my sisters were able to (or wanted in Trina's case) have kids.   I felt like I was the last hope to keep our line of the family alive.   But I didn't really have a strong desire for kids.   Just thinking of all the crazy things kids had to deal with at that time turned me off.    It was more of a nice to have.    At the end of the day I had to realize that I shouldn't have a kid because I felt guilty (which actually I still do feel guilty about it to this day...but it's not as bad as I felt years back).    So at the end of day I accepted that Dom and I would just be Dom and I.   Incidentally he has a nephew and several nieces by his sisters so at least he got to be the cool gay Uncle (though he lamented that he didn't get to spend as much time with them as he could've since he was in the military and lived overseas during their formative years).

As an aside I remember when I was dating Rock, he and I having that same conversation about kids.    I believe he was 42 at the time and he was adamant about not having kids and that it was too late for him.   I tried to convince him otherwise but he wasn't going for it.    I wanted to tell him just because his Mom had him at 19 doesn't mean that he's late.    But I don't think that would've went well...*LOL*.   I was almost thinking had our relationship survived its other issues and a kid was in the picture, he or she would be at least 10 years old.    But with everything that happened to me jobwise in recent years, it's probably for the best I don't have any extra mouths to feed.

So back to Dom.   Another issue that crept up from time to time was our difference in finances.    At the time I was making over twice as much income as he did.   As an aside it's a shame that teachers are paid so low in this country.    The difference in income made Dom feel insecure.   There were occasions where he would blurt out that I should be dating another friend of his because he makes more money than he does.  I really didn't know how to respond to that one.  He also would tell me that he's not taking advantage of me.   I never felt he did.   In fact he always would push back on going to expensive restaurants.    One interesting thing is the few times we went to pricier places, the wait staff would always present the check to him.    I don't know if it was an age or race thing (yes he's white...*LOL*).   There were even some occasions where I notice the wait staff would address him only and ignore me.  Needless to say those wait staff got reduced tips at the end of the evening.

So because Dom didn't make a lot of money it irked me how Dom would spend his money.   Issue #3.  He's an avid doll collector that is constantly buying dolls and clothes and other accessories for them.   In fact when we first dated, I was introduced to his doll room which literally was filled with wall to wall dolls (with lots more in boxes).   He also had dolls in other parts of the house.   It was scary and honestly I almost decided not to pursue him because of it.   On the flip side, he never really thought about saving money.   He didn't even contribute to a retirement plan at work.    He complained of course that he wasn't making a lot and almost all of it was going to his "hobby".   I was trying to encourage him to save but he blasted me saying it was easy for me to do because I made way more money than him.   But I told him it doesn't matter what you make, it's what you keep.   He is right that it's definitely harder to save when you're not making a lot (I can really relate now...*LOL*) but even if he could save $5 a week in a savings account, in a year that would be $260.   And yes that's not a lot when you think of all the emergencies that could happen but it's better than nothing.    Thankfully he's gotten better over the years and we even have a tiny savings account funded from his paycheck.   Plus he's finally contributing to a retirement account.   Thankfully he got a bit of a raise moving to another school which has helped as well.    The doll thing is still ugggh but even that has been a little less.   Could go down more...*LOL*.

So I mentioned earlier that I could count on my one hand the number of times Dom visited me at my old place.   That's because I officially sold my house in late 2016 and moved to Gary to live with Dom in a bigger house.    There was no way I could live in his old place since there would be no room for my stuff.   Not to mention the allergies that would flair up every time I stayed there.    So we've been living together for over 5 years now.   How time flies.

So another issue came into play less than a year after we moved in together.   Dom was diagnosed with diabetes.   Also he lost his desire to have sex.   It was at this time he decided to mention that his Dad lost interest in sex around the same age as he did.  I admit that I felt a bit resentful as I never imagined being in a sexless relationship.   I figured the sex would diminish over time but didn't expect it to completely stop.   Since I still have desires, we decided to have an open relationship though pretty much it's only open on my end.    If you had told me ten years ago that I'd end up in an open relationship, I would've not believed it.

I do love Dom though and can't imagine my life without him.   In all honesty I don't really need a lot of sex these days myself.    Once or twice a week would do me fine.   Dom and I are still very affectionate with each other which is a good thing.   If that was gone as well I would definitely have to reconsider the relationship.

Unfortunately for me though since I have a desire for sex, I still frequent the social networking sites trying to find compatible people.    It seems even more challenging then it was when I first was exploring my sexual attraction to guys in 2002.   Maybe another time I'll be inclined to share more.

Interestingly enough I still talk to Midas.   We are definitely more friends now.   We periodically text and chat.   He too recently was laid off from his job and has been trying to figure out his next move. The last time we had sex was in 2011 so yeah it's been nearly ten years.   I'm not going to lie though.   I've thought of hooking up with him again but I don't necessarily want to go back down that road again.    Midas of course is a bit older but it doesn't seem like his horndog ways have slowed down.   Well at least he talks a good game.

This COV-ID mess has definitely put a damper on things sexually though I have still had some meetups.   But it would be great to find one or two guys I can have a regular thing with that understands that I'm not leaving Dom.   Hemingway, that's all I have for now.

From Analyst To Packer

Continuing on the theme of major life events that have happened to me relates to work.   For the longest time I was complaining about how I wanted to leave my job.    My old dream to become a daytrader in the stock market was just that... a dream.   But I don't have that desire anymore.   So no love lost there.   I did however wind up getting laid off from work after almost 20 1/2 years of employment in 2017.

The writing was on the wall in early 2017.    My manager Marsha announced in a team meeting that by the end of 2017, the team staff would likely be cut in half.   I managed to dodge layoffs since 2007 and knew my time was coming to an end.   Ten years of dodging was a good run.   I remember having a 1-on-1 with Marsha and asked her if I would make it to my 20th anniversary in April.     She responded in the affirmative.   I was happy to hear that just to have that milestone as I'm not likely to hit that anywhere else.    Not to mention I get to pick one more milestone anniversary gift.   I ended up choosing a mini-grandfather clock which I'm still enjoying.

In July 2017 I got the confirmation that my last day would be end of September.   I remember just nodding when Marsha gave me the news.   I remember her asking me if I had any feelings on it since I didn't give any reaction.    I told her that I appreciated getting the heads up.

I used that time to try and find another gig.   Those interviews sucked.   One of my most memorable ones was one for a business analyst role at Societe Generale in downtown Chicago.    I was originally scheduled to interview with one lady but then she wound up working from home and I met another.    She was going to have the original lady log in via a Zoom-type app that wasn't Zoom...can't remember what it was.   So my interview was at 8am and of course I was fifteen minutes early.   The time came and basically they wasted nearly twenty minutes of my 45 minutes trying to get the "Zoom" to work.   Finally the other lady decides to do the interview alone.   Basically I barely had time to get my points across and she basically insulted me by saying she didn't think I would fit in because the team was very intelligent.   So she was indirectly calling me dumb.   I so wanted to cuss that lady out.   I reiterated that I was a quick learner and felt like if given a chance I would be able to contribute.    Needless to say I didn't get that job.   My attempts to reach out to the original lady fell on deaf ears.

Basically I had interviews that led nowhere.   Thankfully since I had worked at my previous employer for almost 20 1/2 years (missed the complete half by two weeks...*LOL*), I had a great severance package that was 40 weeks worth of my salary.    That made things a lot less painful but I still was struggling to find something.

I finally was able to land a six month contract business analyst position with a popular aviation leader with headquarters in downtown Chicago.   That was a great role and I was so sad when it ended.   I had tried to find other contracts within the same company and even befriended one of my teammates there who really tried to help me but nothing materialized.

As a segue I really enjoyed my time working downtown.  I loved taking the train in the morning (even if it was crazy packed) and walking downtown to their offices.    Plus there were so many food options to choose from for lunch.    I even befriended a lady named Neela (the one I mentioned who tried to help me find another gig) and we would exercise by taking the steps on several floors and hanging out downtown.   I worked there from March through September of 2018 so thankfully didn't deal with snow but I hated rainy days as I would get drenched walking from the station to the building and since I was a contractor, I didn't have my own space where I could store a hair dryer or a change of clothes.    So I'd have to use the blowers in the men's restroom to try and dry out best I could between other men trying to use the restroom.    The other thing I didn't care for was constantly being stopped by solicitors and beggars.    Some of them would get nasty with you if you kept walking and not listen to what they were selling.    But really those were the only gripes I had.

So I wasn't having any luck finding any other business analyst roles and interviews were getting harder to come by.    Sally reminded me of her time working at Home Depot and Aramark before finally getting a corporate job again in 2014.   She told me I needed to check my pride at the door and take a retail job.    

There were a couple things that stopped me from going that route right away.   One was that I wasn't ready to give up on getting a business analyst role.    The other one was that I needed to go to Detroit to help care for my sick Mom.    At the time she had her hysterectomy and I wanted to be available to help my parents.

After my Mom's initial recovery, I decided to apply for a warehouse position at Amazon.    That resulted in me going to an informational Amazon session at a local job banks site.    From there I was directed to apply via another website for a job.   There was a Warehouse that's ten minutes from my home.   Unfortunately there were no openings there so I applied at a location 90 minutes away even though it wasn't ideal.

That led me to attend another orientation session where I needed to submit to a drug test.   Assuming I passed the test, I would be given a start date.    I did pass and my start date was 05/08/2019.    I was scheduled to work 4 1/2 hours a day from Wednesdays to Sundays.

It's been a surreal humbling experience working at Amazon.   It definitely felt like a huge step down organizing packages into duffels and transporting those duffels to Amazon drivers.    It's definitely not what I thought I'd be doing at this stage in my life.    But having a job is better than having no income going in.

Within two months I was made into a permanent employee.   I attempted to relocate to the facility close to my home but that led nowhere.    I decided to relocate to a larger facility that was 40 minutes from my home.   That was around the time my Mom died.   I used a bereavement day on my first day at the new location and came in the next day for orientation.    My new schedule was a full-time one for 10 hours a day from Thursdays to Sundays.

My job there was different than at my first location which was actually a smaller secondary facility that resorted packages to later pass to the drivers.    For this role I would be picking customer order items off giant pods driven by "Roomba" robots.  

One thing I had to get used to is that your breaks are timed and you have to be back at your stations in the allotted time or else you get Time Over Task points.   Breaks are 30 minutes but actual time is more like 15 minutes between the time it takes to walk to my car and back.

For the most part the people are nice.   I did have one jerk call me a "FAGGOT" after I accidentally walked into the same path he was planning to walk.    But thankfully at the time of the incident, I had planned to move to a different role with a part-time schedule.   My hope was that doing a part-time schedule would give me time to find a corporate job.    Yeah that's still in progress.

My new and current schedule is Saturdays and Sundays for 10 hours each.   As a bonus since my schedule is a weekend one, I would get differential pay of an additional $3 an hour.   I get that differential even if I work extra days.   My current role primarily is to pack items into boxes from those that are picked.   Occasionally I get called back to pick which I actually prefer since you're mostly by yourself whereas in packing, everyone is closer.   Plus in the summer months it's cooler in the picking area.

So that's been my work life.   But I have been making some moves that I'm hoping will help me get my work life back on track.    But that's for another time.

Till I See You Again

When Can I See You - Babyface

Refrain:

When can I see you again
When can my heart beat again
When can I see you again
When can I breathe once again
And when can I see you...

 I was just combing through some of my old blog entries from my 1st blog and this one.   I had to laugh reliving some of those memories.   I can't believe some of the things I've done and experienced being new to the gay world.   I am really happy that I preserved some of those memories to realize how my life was in the mid-2000's.   I would like to be able to continue to preserve more memories as I approach my 49th birthday in October.   I can't believe I'll soon be 50 years old.    What a life I've had and hopefully I still have a little more left.

So what has been going on with since my last post in April 2015?    

The biggest life event that happened was losing my Mom to cancer October 29, 2019.    About a year before she passed, she mentioned having postmenopausal bleeding that was happening periodically.   When she went to the hospital to get it checked out, tests were ran and it was determined that she had uterine cancer.   She had surgery in March 2019 to remove her uterus, cervix, and fallopian tubes.   She needed a couple months to recover from the surgery.   Thankfully I was not working at the time and was able to spend time with my parents to help them out.    My Dad doesn't know his way around the kitchen so I would cook meals.   My sisters Tasha and Trina also came by to help as well.

She recovered from her hysterectomy but in early July she experienced severe lower back pain.    Tasha and her husband Abe took Mom to the E.R. and they ran tests.   The cancer she had unfortunately hadn't been completely removed and had spread in her body and was causing the pain in her spine.     We received the bad news that she would need chemo or radiation to remove it but even that was no guarantee.    Based on tests the doctor said my Mom had six months to live.   

That was a tough pill to swallow.   There were two chemo drugs that were suggested that had a main side effect of "death".    My Mom quickly resigned herself to her fate which made me upset at first.   I desperately was trying to seek alternative options purchasing curcumin and a combo of herbs that was put together into an Essiac tea.    But my Mom didn't want to try anything other than the pain meds that were prescribed to help relieve her spinal pain.   She decided against chemo and radiation and was put in hospice care at their apartment.

I had to accept that my Mom was soon going to be gone.   I still held out hope that somehow a miracle would happen and she would recover.   But with each passing day I knew the odds of that happening was very slim.   

By the time she started experiencing her pain I was a couple months into a warehouse job at one of Amazon's many facilities.    I was working 20 hours a week split into five 4 1/2 hour shifts Wednesdays to Sundays.   So I would travel to Detroit every two weeks either Sunday evening or early Monday morning and stay until Tuesday evening.    Tasha and Trina would take turns dropping by everyday to help care of Mom and Dad.   

It was a grueling schedule especially for my sisters.   Around early September we hired a caretaker that came in Monday through Friday morning to bathe my Mom and help shift her position in bed since she was unable to move on her own and developed bed sores.   The caretake suggested keeping a notebook so we could all take notes on my Mom's condition and meds taken and have them available for whoever had the next shift.

I made sure to be in town for my Mom's birthday on October 2nd.   I bought a half dozen caramel cupcakes and another half dozen red velvet cupcakes from a Detroit bakery.    It was a somber day but we had some joy seeing my Mom quickly devour one.    I saw both my sisters hold back tears.   I oddly kept it together.

I finally unraveled about a half hour before my Mom transitioned.   I came into town on Monday October 28th.   Mom was resting and I sat on a chair near her bed just watching her rest.   When she saw me we greeted each other.   She wanted me to take a rag and wet it with some warm water and use it on her forehead.   I made several trips to the bathroom to refresh the rag.   We kind of had a small bit of humor when I came back with a cooler rag and she moaned briefly that it was too cold.   I apologized and she gave me a smile as I went back to the bathroom to refresh the rag.

We briefly talked and expressed that we loved each other.   As evening drew my Mom started moaning and wouldn't stop.   I tried to reach out to her but she wasn't there and continued to moan.   Tasha came by after work to see us.   She stayed for a little bit but soon became upset seeing my Mom's state and decided to leave.    My Dad came into the bedroom later and she was still moaning. 

She moaned all throughout the night.   I slept on a recliner in the next room and woke up several times throughout the night to check in on her.   Each time she was still moaning.

Later that morning the caretaker came in to take care of my Mom.   I sat in the next room with my Dad.   She told me that Mom was "actively dying".   I had to look it up online to understand what it meant.   She needed my assistance to shift her on the bed.   My Mom was not aware of us in the room and was still moaning with her head tilting to the right.    It was at that point that I lost it and started crying.   I took one hand and cradled it behind her head to straighten her neck and also held the slide sheet.

Our caretaker afterwards was explaining more about "actively dying" saying that my Mom was in her last stage of death and that she could die anytime in the next few days.   It wasn't long after I received the explanation that my Mom suddenly called out and went silent.   We called out to her but she didn't say anything else.   It was then that I realized that my Mom died.

It was a rough period after that.  I reached out to my sisters to let them know what happened.  I made the mistake of calling 911 instead of the hospice nurse and that proved to be a nightmare.   Tasha later reached out to the hospice nurse who came over to declare my Mom's passing and then the funeral home came to take my Mom's lifeless body away.

My Dad is now living with Trina and her husband Donovan.  They were able to break my Dad out of the apartment lease my parents were in and the majority of my parents' items were moved to a storage facility.

It hasn't been easy for my Dad.    He went from living in an apartment to now being in one bedroom.   He has his health issues but he celebrated his 91st birthday this past January.   I'm grateful that he is hanging on and try to keep in touch with him regularly.     In fact I will give him a call right after posting this entry.

More later.