Monday, March 5, 2012


I'm about to have a deep entry.  Or maybe it's just long.  I will let you guys decide.  Lol.  

Jose tells me that I need to speak to a therapist.  One morning while I was at his place in San Diego, I was telling him about a recent breakthrough I had on why my attraction to guys  gravitated toward bearish bigger men.  It'll probably be obvious to the veteran readers of my older blog (I know there's at least 2...LOL).  But if you remember my tendency for having a "blonde moment" or two (or three...LOL), you'll forgive me.  

So Hemingway I concluded that the reason for my attraction could stem back to my "bully".  Basically "bully" was a bigger kid and while he was wrong for violating me, a part of me was turned on.  So my breakthrough recently was that I am trying to find "bully" in the big bearish men I seek out.  Maybe to close that period in my life.  I never really did have closure since I kept quiet on what happened 

I was recounting another childhood incident to him that happened in 7th grade.  I borrowed from the library an encyclopedia (specific to the Olympics, not sure exactly what it was called) for some report I needed to do.  The glue holding a lot of the book pages together to the frame was loose and a lot of pages were not affixed to the frame.    Also some of the pages were written on, others torn up.  Knowing what I know now, I would've told the librarian at the time that the book was messed up.  Though actually you would've thought that she would notice that.  My memories are sketchy when it comes to the checking out part.  

But they were very clear upon returning the book.    The return of the book actually went without incident.  This was because there was a return cart where you could put the book back and later the librarian (or assistant) would check it back to the system.  

So a few days later the entire class was in the library studying for something I now don't remember.  At some point during this event, the librarian called me up to her desk.  

I went and she asked me about the encyclopedia I borrowed and what happened to it.    I told her that it was damaged when I checked it out.  She basically called me a liar.  I argued back that I didn't do anything to the book.  We went back and forth and of course the class is now listening in.  

My teacher came forward and basically sided with the librarian.  So it's two white ladies (I don't know if that detail really matters but I felt like it needed to be said) arguing against me.  

They threatened to keep me after school if I didn't admit to damaging the book.  All I could think is I didn't want to get in trouble with my parents since I've never was in trouble for anything before (at least that year).  So not wanting to involve my parents, I caved in and admitted to damaging the book even though I didn't do so.    

I was in tears by that point as they directed me back to my seat.  I remember telling my classmates near me afterwards that I didn't do it.  Not that any cared.  

Thinking about it today, it makes sense that I reacted the way I did.  As I blogged in the past, I am guilty of being a people pleaser.  By admitting to something I didn't do, I pleased the librarian and teacher and let them bully me into thinking they were right.    I indirectly pleased my parents since I didn't involve them in a situation that would require them to come to the school.  

A part of me thinks I also did it because on some level I didn't want further embarrassment with my parents coming in the classroom.    My sisters and I are first generation US citizens and I think I didn't want my parents to come in the school and perhaps cause me more grief than what couldve been solved by the lie.

I also think I may have been protecting them too.    I kept a lot of stuff that I went through to myself.   That's why I'm my own worst critic.    I beat myself a lot on the 'coulda woulda shoulda's instead of acting out in the moment.

So many possibilities exists but perhaps that's why I need the therapy.  But in a lot of ways, that's what I've been doing with my blog.    At least I usually feel better after a particularly moving entry.

But perhaps I'm not taking into account what actions I can do to grow from my experiences.  So I get caught in the vicious cycle of making the same mistakes over and over again.  

Besides black people "don't do no therapy".  That's for crazy white folks.    At least that's what I've always learned.    

It has always been about appearances, especially with my Mama.    She was the one to say 'wear clean underwear in case of an accident' , 'don't tell people your business', and other little phrases.  

Mind you, I'm not blaming my parents for what happened to me.  I ultimately made the choices I did.  But if there was one lesson I could've gotten, it would be to stand up for yourself and never let anyone force you to accept their truth if you know it's not your truth.  It's a lesson I will teach my future son or daughter.  (Yeah I'm still holding on to that dream.  LOL).   Also it probably would be good to know that if a situation ever came up like that, that I would let my kid know that it's okay if they make you stay afterschool that I would have their back (as long as they tell the truth).  

I'm not saying that my parents never taught me that.    But I didn't learn the birds and bees from them either.    Had to get my experiences in sex from the streets.   But I don't know if I would've been receptive to that talk either....*LOL*.

I don't know if things wouldve been different had I gotten that lesson.  I might've even made the same mistakes.    Jose feels I should talk to my parents about those moments but I don't feel like that would really accomplish anything.   This is especially so since both my parents are not in the best of health.     

It's just amazing how much your adult life is shaped by the experiences of your childhood.   I'm not saying I was a perfect child either.    I've definitely done things in my past I'm not proud of.    As bad as I had it, there were kids even lower on the totem pole than I that also had it bad.    I would never stand up for them either.   I was just glad for a few moments that the focus wasn't on me.  That doesn't make it right though.    If I could I would make amends to those kids as well.

I shudder to think what would've happened if the internet was around during my time growing up.    At least once I was home, I was able to get away from the school madness.   But it's scary and sad hearing about the cyber bulling that's taking place.     

When I think about it, I question if I even want to bring a child into the world.    Would I want him or her to go through what I went through.   I'd like to think that I would be able to apply my experiences to help them get through the challenges (if any).   I would definitely teach my kids to defend themselves and it wouldn't hurt to have them take up a sport or two to encourage socialization and healthy competition so that would give them that extra drive.    I would've liked to have done more of those activities growing up but I know stuff like that cost money and my parents didn't have a lot of discretionary income to spread around.

It sounds like I'm making excuses and perhaps I am.    But I do know my parents did the best they could under the circumstances and they would have no way of helping me if I didn't open up.    So I definitely made my bed there.

We all carry our own baggage I suppose.   It's just learning how not to let that baggage dictate your future.    I could try to apply that in a way I do with different potential boyfriends.     I try to judge them on their own merit and not compare them to past guys.    At the same time though I use that past experience to gauge how to handle the present.    I think I need to apply that same thing to the bad experiences in life.   

It's not like I think about certain bad childhood moments every minute of my life.    I would go crazy if I did.    But I have to know when I do to accept that I can't change the past but I should learn from it.   And hopefully not repeat those same mistakes.

Stand up for myself!    If I don't, nobody else will.

So ends my blog therapy for today.