Thursday, July 26, 2012

Kiss And Tell

Brownstone - Kiss And Tell

Oh oh, tell me

Tell me if you kiss and tell
If you will that just won't do
I got something for you but
It stays between me and you

First off I know my entry is overdue but what a nice surprise to have Karsh and BuddahDesmond make comments on my last entry.    It felt like reuniting with the old blog gang from years back.   It was great seeing you guys virtually and definitely am glad you found my new home.   I need to visit your blog homes as well.

So now to the meat of today's blog.

The few lyrics I listed in the opening pretty much sums up the family drama that went down last weekend.    To tell the complete story I need to go back to a few days before.   I don't believe I mentioned it before but one of my many, many overseas cousins (daughter of my Mom's younger aunt) came to Detroit for the second time last Tuesday to visit my family.    Crissy previously visited Detroit in the summer of 2010.   She just turned 19 and it was her first trip to the U.S.    She's in school outside of Paris, France studying an undecided major.

So Crissy's previous visit overall made a positive impact on the family and my parents and younger sister Trina especially became smitten with her.   Trina's appeal was that it was nice to interact with a cousin, something that my sisters and I never fully experienced being that we were growing up in the U.S. while the rest of the myriads of cousins were living overseas.    My parents appeal was that they liked her like another child.   They were keeping in touch on and off (mostly via Skype).

So Crissy decided to pay a surprise visit to Detroit (Trina was in on it).   Trina picked Krissy up from the airport and the arrangement was that Krissy would stay with Trina but during the day stay with my parents.

So Monday morning I get a 6am call from my Mom.    She was upset because Trina's husband Donovan (I guess I should give him a name now that he's officially family...*LOL*) came over Saturday night alone basically confronting my parents on their treatment of Trina.   Basically he felt like they were taking advantage of Trina and not utilizing Tasha and myself enough.   He also unloaded some hurt feelings on how the parents prefer Tasha's boyfriend Abe (Tasha unofficially mentioned to my Dad that Abe and her will be getting married next year) over him and said some mean things about Abe in the process.    He also mentioned how they didn't even offer to help in regards to their first child getting married.

I was stunned hearing all this and was no longer sleepy.   I tried to ask my Mom more questions but she kept trying to get off the phone since she said she was tired and needed to take her medication.   She hung up and left me confused.

In my mind I was wondering why Donovan would go over by himself (since previously when he's visited, it's always been with Trina).   I was worried if Donovan was going rouge but at the same time was wondering what could've triggered him.    I assumed Trina may have been expressing some displeasure over some of the situations with my parents.

I felt somewhat bad because I did see that my Mom tried calling me Saturday night.   But I was hanging out with Sally consoling her about some new issues that crept up so I didn't answer and I forgot to call back Sunday.

So I was originally supposed to go into the office for a team meeting but I could barely concentrate at work and had to tell my manager I needed to work from home to deal with some family matters.

Later that morning I get a text from Tasha telling me that she needed to talk to me.   I was thinking she may shed some light on what happened Saturday.   She then asked me if I still had my email address, which I did of course, and then she forwarded me an email she had sent to my Dad regarding the house situation.   Basically on that end my Dad called me a couple weeks ago, upset about the email and thinking that we all were in on it.    He basically said that he didn't want to move, he felt safe in his house, and that he doesn't have the money to do so.   He wanted me to tell Tasha the same.  I didn't comment (which is something that I need to not do) but I knew that if he needed to tell her something, he should do it.

When she sent me the email, I saw that she also forwarded it to Donovan (but not Trina).   So then my mind was racing (with help from my counsel Eugene...*LOL*) wondering if Donovan was overstepping in the sense that he went there to bring up my parent's moving out, which is more something my sisters and I should be doing.   Eugene was saying maybe my sisters turned to him since I wasn't doing anything about it.

I was getting upset though thinking that they were having these conversations with Donovan but not including me.   I really needed to talk to Tasha and Trina to get to the bottom of the mystery since all I could go on was my parent's version and Tasha's email.

During lunch I called home and got my Dad on the phone.   I pretty much got the same information from him as my Mom.   Basically Donovan spoke to my Dad privately and then things got heated when my Mom came in the room.    He added that when Donovan mentioned his feelings on the wedding, he told him in turn that they're not made of money.    I asked him if he felt threatened by Donovan and he said no.    But I still didn't know what triggered Donovan's visit.

So I called Tasha that evening and basically she provided the reason for Donovan's visit.   In a nutshell my Mom confided in my cousin Crissy that she wished that she could have participated in Trina's wedding and that I was her favorite child.

 Some context into the Trina wedding.   Basically Trina was looking into options as far as halls but the costs were above their budget.   She did speak to my parents before regarding the wedding but my parents were quiet about it.    Trina thinks they were quiet because they thought she was asking for money but she maintains that wasn't the case.   In the end to save costs, they wed at a bed and breakfast on May 20 with just the two of them.

As for me being her favorite child, that's been a running theme in my family for years now, and pretty much Trina and Tasha already knew that.   It's not right but it is what it is.

So Tasha mentioned that Crissy decided to tell Trina about what my Mom said.   Trina got upset and talked about it with Donovan and as a result Donovan came over and had the exchange with my parents.

So she added that on Sunday night Trina and herself went over to the house to discuss about what happened Saturday.   They attempted to clear the air about the wedding, the family dynamics, and the moving.   When they confronted my Mom about calling me her favorite, she denied it.    My Dad then went into it about the email and stated that he didn't want to move.   It was a surreal evening no doubt.

I spoke to Trina on Tuesday evening and she added some final context that bought everything together. She said after my Mom denied calling me her favorite, my Dad told her that he's "her favorite girl".    He did this right in front of Tasha.    I couldn't even believe the insensitivity of that.   Tasha didn't mention that part to me but I can imagine even though sadly our parents made it clear before on our rankings to hear it said in front of her definitely was a sting.   At least when they called me their favorite they did so privately.  Trina was upset by it as well and then went to town telling my Dad if she was his favorite girl, how come he didn't do anything for the wedding, to which again my Dad mentioned the 'not made of money' comment.   Trina stated it was the weirdest moment talking with my parents.   It went from intense to silly back to intense again.

  Trina also stated to them that she didn't tell Donovan to go over to the house but that she wasn't sorry that he did.    He was only reiterating her feelings on the issues that had been brewing.   She did say he felt bad for talking smack about Abe but in the heat of the moment, he said some things he shouldn't have.   They're hoping to make amends with Abe and Tasha by inviting them over for dinner.   They also want to apologize to my folks for the escalation of issues though my Dad said he didn't want an apology.    Will have to see how that goes.

With that said I will actually be visiting Detroit tomorrow until Sunday.   I definitely want to speak my two cents on the issue and actually I need to put my foot down whenever my parents, especially my Mom talks bad about my sisters.   Basically in the past I bit my tongue and in turn I never shared with my sisters the things that were being said since some of them were hurtful.   But from now on whenever my Mom says anything about them, I will tell her 'have you talked to them about it' and when she says 'no', I'll say maybe you should tell them about it instead of me.

I have a feeling saying this will push my Mom to question my new attitude and in that case I'll have to unload my baggage that I've kept inside for years to both my parents.    Basically I feel like when they talk bad about my sisters, that they're trying to divide my sisters and I and get us fighting among ourselves.   Luckily we've have pretty positive relationships and have been able to get past it.   But the scars of those words remain there and even though Trina said she was fine, hearing the comments from my "kiss and tell" cousin Crissy proved that hurt feelings still remain.    I was kinda pissed about Crissy yapping about what my Mom said but realized that my Mom was the one that gave her the ammunition and unlike myself, she didn't have the filter to keep it to herself.    And while it resulted in the confrontations, maybe in the long run some good will come out of it.

I will definitely also have to keep working with my parents on getting them out of the hood.   I told my sisters we have to attack them with finances since that seems to be my Dad's biggest concern.   Basically weigh out the expenses of staying versus moving.   Somehow we have to work towards their other issues to moving their antisocial a lot of ways they like being in their isolated house (even with everything around them falling into chaos).   Even trying to get them to go out to dinner is a challenge.  So many issues...too much to delve in one entry.

I'm going to have an interesting visit tomorrow and this weekend.   And thankfully Eugene's theories from earlier were unfounded.