Saturday, September 8, 2012

No Way Jose

This is gonna be a long entry.   But hey I haven't blogged in over a month so I'm due.

I go from family drama in my last entry to friend, well it's former friend now, drama.    My friendship (if I  could really call it that) was put to the test during a routine movie night.   Jose, fresh back from his seven month stint in San Diego, called me late July wanting to catch a movie.    The first movie he mentioned wanting to see was Magic Mike.

It was actually the second time that movie was suggested to me.  Believe it or not I didn't even have it on my radar prior.   Sally asked me if I wanted to see it with her and after she told me what it was about, I told her that it wasn't my cup of tea.   It sounded like one of those movies that I would rather wait till it came out on DVD (which actually I'm guessing it should be coming out in October sometime just in time for my 40th).   So I had suggested seeing Avengers instead.   That went without incident.

I can't say the same for my movie night with Jose.   I told Jose that I wasn't feeling the movie but I sensed that he really wanted to see it and when he made other suggestions, none of the other choices interested me. That night would be the first time I would've hung out with Jose since my last visit to San Diego.   I decided against my better judgment to go see Magic Mike with him.

Not really wanting to deal with an ignorant usher, I chose to get my ticket at the kiosk when I reached the theater.   As I was in the process of figuring out the kiosk, Jose came up behind me.    We greeted each other and then he went to the kiosk next to mine to attempt and purchase a ticket as well.    He was having trouble with using that kiosk and also using the one I did so he wound up going to an usher to purchase.   That actually went fine.

So then after getting snacks (I only got water since I had eaten a heavy lunch earlier) we give our tickets to the usher.   He gave us a snide look as he directed us to the theater way in the back on the lower level.   The majority of folks were ushered upstairs for other shows and the only folks going down the lower level were women so Jose and I really stood out.

The show was in a room way down the end of the long hallway.    It was like the longest walk ever (longer than when I came out to my   I made some small talk with Jose as we walked down to try and ease my mind a bit.

Once we entered the room where it was playing though, whatever little ease I got from the small talk, went away.   The theater was semi-packed and all I could see was women.   As far as I could tell, Jose and I were the only two men in the room.   I totally was out of my comfort zone as Jose and I made our way for some seats.    I heard Jose tell a lady in a seat behind ours that 'it wasn't assigned seating'.   I didn't even hear the lady but I guess she must've said something about saving the seats for somebody.

So we sat down and I was a bit stone-faced.   Jose was cool as a cucumber.   I admit that I shouldn't care what folks think about me watching a movie that is catered to women but I did.   After a minute Jose wanted to move (I'm assuming the same lady he had the exchange with was doing annoying stuff behind him) so we wound up moving to a different section.

It's possible Jose may have been joking but he said that there was a lady attempting to take a picture of us.   That made me even more mortified.

It felt like an eternity before the movie started.   It finally kicked off.   The movie had it ups and downs but it mostly left me feeling like I could've waited for the DVD.   Unfortunately almost throughout the second half of the movie, the lady that was sitting behind me decided to use the back of my chair as a leg rest.   I was too uncomfortable to do anything but push back against my chair to compete with her pushing on the back of mine.   When it was finally over I immediately got up and turned around and I saw the bitch run off upstairs.

I told Jose I never again was going to put myself in a situation like that.   I sheepishly tried to smile as we walked out of the theater with the throngs of women that were leaving.   When we reached near the exit, Jose wanted to find a restroom.   The same usher who gave the snide look asked us how it was.   Afterwards he made a snide comment that the movie probably made us want to go to the strip bar and jack off.

I rolled my eyes as I followed Jose to the restroom (to jack off...NOT!).   I could see that my reaction throughout the evening was affecting Jose and he kind of gave me a rushed goodbye.

I felt guilty about my behavior and called him later.   He acted like nothing was amiss and even said he was looking to 'order in' (code for having a booty call come over).  I still felt like things weren't right between us as we hung up.

I got that confirmation a month ago (August 9).   Two weeks or so before that date I called Jose and got his voicemail.   I chalked it up to his being busy.    He mentioned prior to that fateful night that he was going to several different interviews for a new consulting position.

A week went by and I didn't hear from him so I called again.   Got his voicemail again.   I dismissed my fears about him being mad at me with assuming that maybe he was traveling (he does travel quite a bit for different vacation just recently coming back from his own trip to Spain) somewhere and didn't get a chance to check in.

I called again on August 6th and got the voicemail again.   I waited till the 9th and called again.   Voicemail.  I  realized that he definitely must be avoiding me.    I wondered if Jose was done with whatever we had but I felt like Jose being the person he is, would've been man enough to tell me to my face (or at least over the phone).    He's never been one to shy away from saying how he feels.   That's just how he rolls.

I was calling his cellphone the entire time but decided to call once more but this time his home phone.   Do I even need to say that v-word again?   I decided that I wanted to pay a visit to him that day to find out what was going on.   I was working from home that day and it was near my lunch break anyway.   I had my suspicions but a part of me just wondered if he was okay.

So Jose lives in a high-rise and has a doorman.   I went up to the doorman and not knowing whether Jose was home or not, I told him that I was there to see Jose.   He proceeds to call and gets an answer.   My heart literally sank as I got the confirmation that Jose was avoiding me.

I wasn't even sure he was going to let me come up and I was preparing in my mind some excuse to tell the doorman so I could quickly leave but the doorman said to go ahead and he buzzed me in.   It was the longest elevator ride up to Jose's floor (sensing a theme yet...*LOL*).

So I get to his entryway and he already has the door open.   Jose's place is in disarray since he's in the midst of doing some remodeling.   So he's all fake cheery as he runs to his home office and tells me to sit down.   He didn't even give me a chance to ask him what was going on.   He runs back and hands me a paper.   I was still standing at this point but he said I needed to sit down for what he was going to tell me.

Basically the paper was an email that he sent to me as I was making my way to his place.   The funny thing is I didn't even look at my phone otherwise I would've gotten it mid-way before arriving.    In his own words he said that he saw a whole other side of me when we were at the movies and that he didn't like it.   He said that I don't listen to anything he says and that I'm always playing the victim when it comes to dealing with situations.   He said that my friends (particularly Eugene and Sally) take advantage of me and I let them.   He then said that he has his own issues (yes he does but I won't list them...*LOL*) he's dealing with and he felt like if we continued to hang out, he would be enabling me and saying it's okay to 'play the victim' so he wanted to end whatever it was that we had.   He said friendship of course but in my mind if after one bad situation you're ready to call it quits then we really weren't friends to begin with.

I sat there dumbfounded as he was saying all this and I was reading his email.   I was racking my brain trying to recall any other times where Jose and I had a bad experience and couldn't recall one.   I do realize that I shouldn't give a damn if everyone knew the moment we walked in that we were two gay guys (who might even be sleeping with each other...even though that was almost two years back since that happened) and there were plenty of times when I didn't give a damn.   I can't even count the number of times we went out for dinner and I know some people assumed we were dating (or planning to fuck afterwards) and I didn't give a damn.   Especially at Italian restaurants...*LOL*.

I think too he was referring to how I handle situations that happen.   In general I don't like confrontation and will usually look for non confrontational ways to deal with those situations.   I know of course you do have to confront things head on at times and eventually I find a way to do so even if I don't always get the desired results.

One thing he kept harping on was how I would tell him 'that's just the way I am'.    And while it's definitely a good thing to change bad habits, anyone who has those habits know that it's something that won't change overnight.

In his mind I should've been calling a therapist to deal with my issues.    He mentioned that before while I was recounting my childhood in San Diego and he's said it a couple times before that.   Since I was taking no steps to get help and not listening to him on other matters (like changing my job...he's a career coach), he felt he shouldn't be around me.

As for my friends I definitely felt he was out of line there.   But he did acknowledge that he came 'late to the party' (I've known Eugene and Sally longer) and knows I don't agree with his viewpoint.   He met Eugene once and I will admit Eugene didn't exactly make a good first impression.    Basically Eugene was preoccupied playing backgammon on his phone instead of our conversation.   I tried non verbally to tell Eugene to put his phone away but of course he wasn't having it.

I shared with Jose in the past some of the difficulties Eugene was having at his last job with certain folks.   He did wind up finding another gig with another university and thankfully other than moving halfway across the state he doesn't have to relocate.   Jose basically told me that Eugene is rude and arrogant and that he could see why he's having problems with his job.

He never even met Sally but I did confide to him about her losing her job and how I've been helping her financially over the years whenever she asks.   It's not like I'm rich or anything but if she needs extra to pay her phone bill or gas or need groceries and I have a little bit extra, I've given it to her.

I've known Sally for over 17 years and for him to come along and say that she's taking advantage of me is an insult to me.   I have told Sally a few times that I couldn't help her at certain times but just gave when I could. It's not like I've been giving money to her left and right.

I was dismayed that he had to drag my friends into his fight with me when I'm the one he had an issue with.   I could've easily said some things about his "so-called" friends who are more like acquaintances.   Honestly other than this one nice lesbian couple who I think are genuine from my brief interactions with them, I feel like   the rest of his posse are only there for what they can do for each other.

Jose's forever telling me about all these weddings (he's goes to at least 5-6 weddings a at least 12 in the two years I've known him) he goes to and how he's always buying gifts for them and how they're always having gatherings at these swanky mansions and locations.   I feel like if any of them were to ever fall into hard times (like Sally did), that they would slowly drift themselves out of his life and he would drift from them as well.   Basically not take the calls or call back when they know that person won't answer and say 'I'm sorry.'    But of course I don't really know his so-called friends like that.   Though I can infer that would happen from how he treated me.    But I would never say anything like that to him because that's rude and disrespectful and I don't have any history with his "business acquaintances".    But yet he chose to do that to me.

So basically he told me to have a nice life as I left his place.  When I got back home I read his email on the computer and decided to write my response to him.

I expressed how disappointed I was that he chose to end whatever it was we had.   I told him that I wished I had stuck with my first instinct and not chose 'Magic Mike'.   However I added that maybe it was meant to happen like it did.   I truly believe that some things are meant to happen and if it wasn't 'Magic Mike', he would've found some other reason to end it.   Clearly he was looking to get out.

Whatever it was we had I did appreciate having him in my life.  Like I said before he offered me an additional perspective on things and even if I didn't follow his advice or do things as he wanted, I ultimately appreciated having him in my life.

I was sad at that time but I didn't cry.   The funny thing is that I kinda went through several phases to get over him.   First phase I was in denial.   Pretty much I was in denial the entire time he was giving his reasons for ending whatever it was we had.    Then I was sad for my loss, which I expressed in my email.    Then I had the angry phase (which I kinda am having again as I write this) like who the fuck does he think he is.   What a selfish prick he is.   But now I've come to the acceptance part.

I'm reminded of this quote.   I don't even know where it comes from.

"People always come into your life for a REASON, a SEASON, or a LIFETIME."

I'll choose to remember the positive SEASONs that Jose and I had.   Even though I think ultimately he made a mistake, he has to live with it, not me.