Sometimes I find myself reflecting on my life and I feel sad. Don't get me wrong. I have lived a great life with a mostly good career, decent finances, plenty of travel and adventures, and I did later find love with Dom. But the one thing I did not have were children of my own. A part of me wanted to experience the ups and downs of fatherhood and hope that I did things right with my kids. Dom and I actually expressed how we wished we had met 20 years or so back. He himself wanted to have a family but didn't have anyone to have it with. But would we have been right for each other that time? We'll never know. But I do feel that we were meant to be in each other's lives one way or another. I shudder to think how our lives would've been had we not met.
2002 was around the time I began thinking of kids. Part of that was my guilt of being the only son and not having a male child to carry on the family name. But at that time too I was just beginning to figure things out about my sexuality. I remember doing research on different surrogacy programs and hearing about one in India that for $20K upfront and an additional $20K afterwards, provided an Indian surrogate who would carry your baby in her womb and then after the baby is born, you would have to go through the process of bringing your child back into U.S. soil. One of the interesting (and prejudicial after I gave it more thought) options they had was that for an extra fee, you could opt for a Caucasian lady surrogate. Heaven forbid a white person wants to have a Indian lady carrying their fetus.
The cost pretty much stopped me from going that route. Plus I didn't have a partner at that time so I would have been the sole parent. Had I still lived in the Detroit area, I may have thought about a bit more as I would've had my family nearby (though I'm sure my parents especially would have a thing to say about that option...*LOL*). As an aside, I confirmed last year that my current company offers money assistance for surrogacy support if a person wants to have a child. If only that was a thing 23 years ago when I looked at the surrogacy program. Who knows if I would've had an adult child now? Obviously now I'm past the point where I want to have the responsibility of caring for a child. If I were to start now, my future E would be born in February 2026 and by the time they turned 18, I would be 71 or 72 years old (God willing).
The second time I recalled wanting to have a child was when I was dating Rock back in 2006. Rock and I of course had other issues but I did discuss the possibility with him. Rock was in his early 40's and in his mind he thought it was too late to entertain the thought of having kids. That probably was a good thing too since we wound up breaking up in 2008.
I didn't give up on the dream entirely after that hoping that perhaps in a couple years I would find a like minded individual. That never did happen. I met Dom in September 2014 and when we discussed kids he told me that he was not looking to start a family as he was too old (early 50's...where I am now). I decided that I may not find the right person and just see where things took us. Almost eleven years later, it took us to living together (2016) and marriage (2022).
I don't regret it though once in a blue moon, I think of what could've been. Once my sisters and I leave this world, our specific branch will officially end. But obviously it won't be completely gone as my parents' siblings had kids who had their own kids (and I'm sure some of those kids may have a kid...LOL). So barring the end of the world, the family name will live on.
But it got me thinking that I wanted to reach out to Sally and no_the_game (who I haven't chatted with in a while) to see if I could gift the children in their lives with a small investment in some stocks or ETFs that will hopefully appreciate in price by the time they grow up. Sally is the proud grand-aunt of three beautiful grand-nieces and no_the_game has a handsome son that's about to turn 11. It would just be a way of leaving a small legacy and perhaps by the time they're adults, the shares could turn into a car fund or help pay for groceries. I would not expect anything in return. But I think it would be a nice thing to do. I'll have to save up some cash but I think it'll be a good thing.
To my future Mini E, I'm sorry that I didn't get to meet you in this lifetime. But perhaps as Erykah Badu would say, maybe I'll see you Next Lifetime.
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