I'm going on almost month number 3 at my new gig. Things are ok but it's definitely getting more hectic. I'm getting assigned more and more cases and more days than not, I'm ending the day overwhelmed and anxious especially when I'm unable to solve an issue. There's a lot I still don't know yet I'm expected to have the answers by our clients. I can't help but feel like I don't belong. They have a term for it called "Imposter Syndrome". It's defined as the experience of feeling like a phony, as though any minute now, your cover will be blown and you'll be identified as a fraud.
I sometimes don't feel like I belong. However I mostly keep my feelings to myself. Well it gets harder to do that when Dom gets home from his job and sees me stressing by my laptop. I thank goodness that I work from home 95% of the time. I can't imagine how I would react if I'm around my teammates. The curse of course is by working at home, it's harder to reach out to folks when I need help.
I do have a mentor that I was assigned who's actually a mentor to many team members. I feel bad constantly having to ask him questions. He has repeatedly said that he's not judging or cursing to himself when I ask but would he say if he was. Needless to say I have a hard time asking for help but have been pushed in the corner where I need to ask.
Then I have newer folks that want to come for me for case shadowing. I was reluctant to do so since I am of the school that it's better to keep your mouth shut and make them think you're a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. *LOL*. So I had to cave in and have a teammate shadow one of my calls this past Tuesday. Unfortunately the issue the customer had wasn't straightforward to solve and the customer left the call feeling extremely frustrated and I had egg on my face. Thankfully the teammate and I were able to talk afterwards and both share our struggles with supporting our large customer base and not having the wisdom of experience.
I feel like such a loser but I have to remind myself that I'm not. It's just that I'm not 100% familiar with a lot of things. It doesn't help that some people seem more natural at the job even with being new. There's a teammate that's constantly assisting others with the more challenging cases and he's sort of becoming the "superstar" of the team. I'm happy for him though I admit having a bit of envy wishing I could pick things up easily.
But I realize I have to give myself credit for how far I've come since I got laid off back in 2017. I did what I had to learn about cyber security and later on Salesforce while reporting to a menial job that I hated. I worked hard to get to where I am now and have to see it through (without getting fired...LOL*). I will say that I don't believe my current role is where I see myself working till retirement. However the company is exactly where I want to be. I just have to hustle again to find a role in the company I'm more suited for. Hopefully I can get things to click better in the coming weeks and months.
Oh and in the meantime I need to find time to study for at least two more certifications. Oh boy! LOL.
Cause neither one of us is strong enough to apologize
Cause neither one of us is wrong
Cause neither one of us has the guts to leave tonight
Cause we don't want be alone
Refrain:
You and me and hearts and strings
Who can fix these broken things
Who can put us back together not that we're undone
Now that we can't remember how
Tell me
Who can fix these broken things
I was so sad to read about Traci Braxton's passing. As you know I'm a long-time Toni Braxton fan. I knew of Toni's sisters primarily through the Braxton sisters only album So Many Ways. Traci wasn't part of that album due to being pregnant at the time. The whole sad tale is played out in their WeTV series Braxton Family Values. Traci quickly became a favorite of mine cause she seemed the most real sister who told it like it is. I was happy when she finally released her own solo album and then a second one four years later. It was nice seeing her finally get her break. I did see a photo float around where she did look sick but at the time the sickness was denied and I didn't think further of it. Then came the announcement. It was so sad but just like when my Mom passed, I'm glad that Traci is no longer suffering.
I'm currently in the Motor city, AKA Detroit, staying with my younger sister Trina (not Braxton...*LOL*) and her husband Donovan. Trina texted Tasha and I on Tuesday morning telling us that our Dad was acting erratic and suggested that if we were available then to make some time to visit him. For the last few weeks she's had to help my Dad change his Depends and he's been confused a lot. She noted that his urine input was slowing down as well. She was thinking my Dad may be near death and wanted us to see him.
I told Trina that I would head over there Friday. It just so happens that I also have to travel to Indianapolis for work the following Wednesday. So my plan is to work from their place Monday through part of Wednesday and then drive the 4 hours and change to Carmel just outside of Indianapolis to stay at a hotel overnight and then drive to work the next day. I was wondering if I should head there earlier but I had three different meetings happening on Thursday that I felt more comfortable doing at my home. I checked in with Trina on both Wednesday and Thursday and she said that my Dad was doing better. I actually spoke to Trina and then my Dad Wednesday as well and he seemed fine. So I felt better about holding off till Friday. Thankfully my Dad is doing okay now as well. Hopefully we still have time with him.
Tasha was radio silent when Trina sent the text. When I called Trina Wednesday, she asked me if I talked to Tasha and was disappointed that she didn't message back. I had hoped that perhaps Tasha would've called Trina directly since she didn't reply back via text. But she didn't. Unfortunately Tasha still has a lot of unresolved issues with Dad. Her way of dealing with it has been to avoid him but in doing so it's left Trina and her husband holding the bag when it comes to caring for Dad. I'm four hours away from Detroit as well so I'm not available a lot either. I am grateful that Trina and Donovan has been there for him but I know it's definitely a strain (especially on Trina).
Tasha finally broke her radio silence Thursday when I texted the group chat asking how Dad was. But it was just one line with 4 smiley emoticons. And of course Tasha has continued to be a no-show since I've been in town.
It's a sad situation all around. When I last visited Tasha sometime last year, her husband Abe was trying to spill the tea to me (in front of Tasha) that he wanted the two of them to talk to one another. I felt secondhand embarrassment for Tasha in the moment but I agreed with Abe. But she stated that she was not ready. The thing is that our Dad is 92 years old and he only has so much time left. Unfortunately my Dad denies any wrongdoing when talking to him about things in the past. He's not going to change but I would hate for her to have unresolved feelings about him after he's gone and she can't talk to him anymore. Abe recently lost his Dad a few months ago and I imagine Tasha not talking to our Dad may weigh even heavier with him (as I'm sure even with the issues he had with his Dad that he wishes he had more time with him).
I do hope Tasha will come by the house but I'm not holding out hope.
As I said, my plan is to work from Trina's house the next three work days. Work itself is going okay. I've worked on three customer cases and have thankfully closed two of them. My manager does want me to pick up more cases which I'm sure will help me in gaining experience. The good thing in my job as well is that they offer a lot of training to support us. It's a good company and I'm hoping I can stay there until retirement which is at minimum 15 more years from now. It doesn't seem like it now but time really does fly. Hell I started blogging in 2005 and it's over 17 years now.
I do see myself doing other roles within the company and not necessarily staying in support. The company has headquarters in other parts of the world and Dom has actually made a good case for perhaps working out of their London office. If I do that though it won't be for a good while. I would like to perhaps get back into the Business Analyst realm that I worked in previously. I also thought about doing something related to my recent Tableau certification. The sky is definitely the limit.
I have another work related event scheduled at the Indianapolis office on April 14th. That's why I wanted to stay in Detroit till Wednesday as well to save a little car wear & tear. I had spoke to Ross and he mentioned being out of commission due to needing crowns on three of his front teeth. So I won't be meeting him. But I may actually meet a former classmate from my cybersecurity bootcamp for a quick drink after work if he's interested. We reconnected because I saw he was in the market for work and the Salesforce Pathfinder program for 2022 was opening their doors and I thought he would be a good fit. It wound up being the best thing I've done as I feel like I would still be working at Amazon otherwise. It would be great if he wound up getting a job as a Salesforce Consultant before the end of 2022.
It was seventeen years ago on this date that I posted my first blog entry ever. I've had various peaks and valleys that happened during that time. I'm so glad I had and still have an outlet where I can share my thoughts and my life experiences. I do wonder when my time is up in this world if anyone in the future will come across my blogs and marvel over what's taken place.
I will likely not be famous. If it hasn't happened in the first almost 50 years, I can't see that happening. Since I don't have any children, other than a few friends and acquaintances, there will be nobody that will remember me. Those memories will be gone once their time is up. I won't go down in the history books so my name won't be uttered in anyone's mouth 200 years from now on April 1, 2222 (unless of course someone with my name is born in the future). But how cool would it be to live in the year 2222, if man doesn't fuck up Earth completely and make themselves extinct.
They do say whatever you post on the Internet stays forever. So my blogs are my own way of keeping my spirit alive for anyone that happens to randomly come across it in 2222 or any other far off year in the future.
In other news I participated in a food pantry volunteer event that my company took part in. I hated the 2 1/2 hour drive but it was nice doing a project that helped folks in need. It was sad especially seeing the kids. Some of the kids needed to translate for their parent(s). There was one family that I witnessed drove in with a Hummer and was getting groceries. That kind of gave me pause but then even with that, who knows what the situation is. They could've bought the Hummer and then lost their source of income. It reminded me to not judge. Just seeing all the poor families and folks put a lot of things in perspective. Despite what life throws at me, I am extremely blessed in having a home, a good job (now), and as Dom likes to say 'food in our belly'.
I wound up driving straight back afterwards. That was exhausting. But I didn't want Dom being upset if I stayed overnight again. Ross wasn't available to meet but I did try to meet up with a menses or two but of course nothing happened. I did befriend one of those menses though and we've been chatting the last couple days. If it leads to anything, stay tuned.
In regards to the job, even working at Amazon in their Warehouse was a blessing as a lot of folks would kill to have that. I'm thankful to not be in a situation like in the Ukraine (or any other nations where it's not in the media because the U.S. has no special interests there) where millions are being evacuated from their homes due to Putin-led Russian forces bombing the area to take over. I just can't imagine being displaced from your home and country. I'm thankful not to lose our home due to a natural disaster like a fire, earthquake, or tornado. Of course life has no guarantees. Anything can and will happen.
I'm grateful too for my family still keeping it together. I still miss Mom but am glad my Dad is hanging on. Sadly he lost his only other living brother (my uncle) due to natural causes a few months ago. Unfortunately the two brothers never reconciled their differences even though my Dad tried reaching out to him multiple times. I'm not even sure what the exact issues were between them. There was also a strain between his oldest brother and himself but they made up years before his oldest brother passed. Amazingly my Dad and his two brothers all made it to their 90th birthdays. That's almost unheard of with men, let alone black men and all the shit they've had to go through.
But yes I have a lot to be grateful for. Who knew my anniversary post would end up being a 'gratitude post'. LOL.
