The Shell Game

 My current company makes it a point to talk about equality and encouraging different opinions.   In fact equality is one of my company's core values.    They're not perfect on it but they do make sure to bring discussions up periodically.   As part of supporting equality, there are multiple "equality groups" where individuals with similar backgrounds, be they latino, asian, african-american, gay, or disabled can meet and hold various events throughout the year.

I will say that I've wanted to participate in some of the events, especially the african-american and gay events since I identify as both.    But I tend to be a wallflower and working mostly remote has encouraged those tendencies.   The groups do give the ability to attend meetings virtually but I haven't participated in any of them.   

I think as I get older I do find myself getting deeper in my shell.  I know though that I need to break out of it if I want to grow.   It's been something that's plagued me since growing up.   Mama told me once that I used to talk so much when I was a little kid.   I talked so much in fact that she used to sing a sweet little song to me called "You Talk Too Much"

I had to look up the song as I've never heard it other than when Mama sang it to me.   It's giving me goosebumps hearing it.

But then the pre-teen years came along and the former talkative kid went into a shell.   Being teased and harassed by bullies will change a person.   I shouldn't have let outside forces change me but there you go.   I've discussed the effects of that in various blog entries over the years.  I will say I'm glad that bullying and the effects of it are being talked about more these days instead of being brushed aside as "part of growing up" like it was when I was coming up.   I wonder how my life would've been had it been talked about back then.

Those experiences pretty much shaped my life.  My preference is to stay in the background even as my manager keeps forcing me to put myself out there.   I don't like attention being brought to myself even if it's positive.   

My manager was talking with me today on strategies on how to be up for a promotion in 2024.   It seems like too much butt kissing but we'll see where that goes.   As part of my growing responsibilities, I was part of a panel that interviewed perspective new employees.   It was something that I hated but I pushed through it.   I now am acting as a "mentor" to 4 of those new employees.   It's not something I enjoy but I guess it's part of pushing me out of my shell.

Getting back to the Equality groups, the African-American group is having a "Friendsgiving" type event next Thursday after work to provide fellowship and networking opportunities.   Every fiber of my being is not wanting to go but a small part of me is pushing me to at least try.   It just so happens that one of the four mentees is an African-American guy that I believe will be in the Chicago area for his orientation that week.   It may be a great opportunity for me to have him participate and then have a person I can pair up with.    We'll see how that goes.

I think I will participate.  I'll force myself to stay at least for thirty minutes.   Fingers crossed.

Back To Reality Yet Again

 My time-off at work ended just as fast as it began.  I barely got through my first day back but I pushed through it.

As far as my time off, I unfortunately wound up catching a bad cold right on my birthday.   I was still slated to go with Dom to see his Mom and his niece Ava.   We went back and forth on whether I should go or not.   Dom wasn't keen on driving alone and while I didn't feel like going, I did wind up going in the end.

I kept a mask on for most of Sunday while visiting.  We bought some Wendy's and later on Ava cooked a beef manhattan.   As the evening wore on I was feeling more congested.   I barely was able to sleep that night from being so stuffy.  Luckily I was able to find some original flavor Listerine and some small disposable cups and I mixed some Listerine with water and gargled.   That helped me to breathe better and I was able to sleep.

Unfortunately a few hours later I woke up with a bad sore throat.  I helped Dom go down his parent's basement to clear out some items that his Mom was looking to get rid of.    It was lunchtime afterwards and Ava made a chili for lunch.

As I sat down to eat I started to feel nauseous.  I went to the bathroom and stayed for a minute but it went away.   So I went back and took another bite and felt nauseous again.   This time I began to feel the motion of throwing up.   I ran towards the bathroom but I could not stop the sea of vomit that was coming out.

I felt embarrassed as Ava came with wipes and paper towel to help me in cleaning up the mess, which fell all over the bathroom floor and sink.   I tried to get to the toilet but the lid was closed.   After about ten minutes I was able to clean off most of the vomit.  I ate some saltines and pretzels later that day, not feeling hungry at all.

After a few more hours we left his Mom's and headed home, not before Dom assisted on stopping somewhere to eat.   I was worried about having a repeat vomit performance especially since I still wasn't feeling hungry but I did manage to eat some turkey chili of all things at Panera.   Dom wound up having some kind of asian broccoli dish.   He drank what he thought was lemonade but learned today that it was actually an energy drink with more caffeine that coffee.   He shared an article about a young lady who had a cardiac event hours after drinking the same drink and dying.   The family is suing Panera.   Scary stuff especially since Dom is not a fan of Panera though he was the one that suggested it due to them possibly having some soups.

He also was thinking I should probably not go to Milwaukee.   I slept on it and decided to go.  I felt better that morning and didn't have a sore throat.    Plus I didn't want to lose the money I spent on the hotel.   But it reminded me that I should occasionally consider paying for insurance in case I am not able to go so I don't have to worry about it.

I had a good time at Potawatomi.   The casino actually let me play for a bit.   At a couple points I was up almost $300.   But of course it was easy come, easy go.   That's the life of a gambler.   Thankfully I only lost $160.    Though that doesn't include the money I spent on breakfast/lunch or dinner.

As expected the guy I was supposed to meet was not able to meet me.   He was nice enough to chat a bit at least and I think he was telling the truth.   Knowing that we would likely not meet at all, I tried to hedge my bets while there and find another hookup.   That was no dice though.   The ones I wanted ignored me or took too long to respond.   There were a few that reached out that I wasn't interested in.  Murphy's Law as usual.  I tell you it's almost impossible these days to have a decent hook-up.   These guys play way too many games.    It doesn't matter the location, it's the same bullshit.

But I still had a good time overall.   It was just nice getting away from work for a bit.

I learned when I was heading back that Dom's Mom wound up catching my cold.   Of course I didn't want her to be sick though a part of me wondered if it was payback for obit-gate...LOL.    I did talk to her this past weekend and thankfully she's starting to feel better.   I do love his Mom despite everything and do not want anything bad to happen to her especially of my doing.

I am looking forward to Karaoke this Friday at our church.   I already have a few songs in mind, namely Madonna's Live To Tell, Pussycat Dolls Hush, Hush, and Ralph Tresvant's Do What I Gotta Do.   Maybe I'll do a few more if time permits.   

Milwaukee Cheese Trip

 I'll be turning 51 in a couple days.  Time continues to march to the beat of a fast drum.   I decided to take the next 6 days off from the job.   I spent part of my first day off going to catch the latest Saw movie Saw X.    The theatre I go to now has it where you can pick the seat you want to seat on.   I picked a corner seat in the theatre hoping it would be a quiet spot.   Unfortunately I failed to realize that a family would choose seats nearby.   It was a bit annoying especially with the Dad take kept yapping.   But thankfully they quieted down when the movie started.

I was falling asleep during part of the movie but it picked up once the protagonist started targeting a group of folks because they were scamming folks of money on snake oil treatments for cancer.   I was pleasantly surprised to see actor Michael Beach make a cameo.   The handsome brotha is almost 60 years old and still has a banging body which he showed off in the movie.   He's definitely aging like a fine wine.

Dom just so happened to have time off next week from school.  So he wants us to go see him Mom this weekend.   It'll be my first time seeing her since the obituary-gate incident.   I'll admit that while I wasn't as upset learning that his Mom didn't want me to be mentioned on the obituary, I still am feeling a certain way.   Dom forced me to chat with her briefly last week.   I was cordial of course but talking to her brought it back to the forefront.   I guess I'll be fine seeing her.   I just will have to try not to think about it.

Afterwards my plan is to do a staycation and travel to Milwaukee to stay two days at the Potawatomi Casino hotel.   I haven't been to Potawatomi since sometime in 2010 or 2011 when they used to allow smoking.   Thankfully since Cov-Id they have joined the list of casinos that ban smoking in the main casino hall.   So at least I won't have to worry about smelling like an ashtray.   It's actually part of the reason why I now avoid the Indiana casinos for the most part and stick to Four Winds in New Buffalo, MI.

There's an old family friend who happens to live in a town 30 minutes outside of Milwaukee.   She is a nun that used to tutor Tasha and I when we were in grade school.   She visited our old Church growing up but lived in a monastery in Wisconsin.    She used to write the family letters and I remember my Mom would force my sister and I write her back.  LOL.  Eventually we stopped writing each other.

I had reached out to her back in 2021 because I had thought about visiting the Milwaukee area and remembered that she lived there.   I was slightly offended when we finally chatted because the first thing she asked was if something had happened to my Mom or Dad.  I'm guessing my former Pastor may have mentioned something about my Mom passing away.   I just didn't like the way she asked and felt like if she knew about it, she could've led with being sorry to hear about my Mom passing.

But that was a minor hiccup.   We chatted for about 30 minutes catching up on our lives.  She mentioned having to care for an ailing older sister of hers.  I felt like she was being judgmental when I mentioned being with Dom who I wasn't married to just yet.    But I might've been projecting that.   Anyway I am going to see if I can visit her while there.  I believe she's in her late 80s though she won't tell her age.  I haven't talked to her since that time so I'm hoping she's still around though I haven't seen anything online about her passing so I'm assuming she still is.

I also chatted with this one guy on one of my social networking sites.   But my luck with meeting guys has been dismal so I'm not holding out on us meeting.   He already made some excuses about having to work late and needing to take care of his mother.   So we'll see.   Maybe I'll win a birthday jackpot.   That would be nice...LOL.

It is nice getting a break from work.  I won't lie though I still logged in today just to check out on some of my work I left behind.   But yes I know it'll still be there when I get back.

Happy Birthday to me!

Creatures Of Habit

 I've been commuting to the downtown Chicago area approximately once a week for work.    About 20 minutes of that commute currently is driving to the Southshore train station 20 minutes from my house.   I have a station that is about 1/2 mile from where I live but the Southshore currently is in the midst of a Doubletracking project that directly impacts that station.   So rather than wait for a bus to take me to the nearest viable station (since the bus schedule is unpredictable), I drive myself to the nearest major station where trains are operable.

So I usually arrive at the station about 20-30 minutes before the train arrives.   So I usually chill in the car for about 10 minutes before walking into the station and joining the crowd of folks that eventually hop into the train.   

I usually park further away from the station to avoid being near other cars.   This particular time while I was chilling in the car, I noticed this one car coming in and they decide to park near me.   In my mind I'm like "hell to the no", there's so many other parking spaces around me and you choose to park by me.   As I'm thinking this, the driver decides to back up and move the car to a different section of the lot.   I was thinking 'okay'.   So just when I think they're settling there, the person moves the car again to a different spot.   The lady briefly gets out of the car to go to the trunk before getting back in and then moving the car yet again to another spot.

By this time I'm thinking this lady is certifiable and I finally leave my car and head to the station waiting area.   Wouldn't you know it, ten minutes later that same lady decides to stand near me.   I'm looking at her like 'wow'.   Yes I recognize folks have a right to stand where they want to stand.   But witnessing her antics in the parking lot, I was thinking I don't want this potential nut case standing next to me.

I talked to Dom about it later that morning and as I was talking, I realized I should probably give the lady some kind of grace.   None of us knows what people are going through in their lives.   Maybe it was her first time at the station and she was overwhelmed.

So the next time I'm waiting at the station, I see the same lady again coming over to stand near me.   Then it happens the time after that and she even winds up sitting across from me on the train.  I start to think she must be a stalker till I realize that I've been pretty much standing in my same spot myself.  I park in the same corner spot at the train station away from people (though recently people have been parking closer to me I find when I get home...uggh...LOL).    But I remember pre-pandemic when that same parking lot would be extremely full and you'd be lucky to find a spot.   So ridership is still not back from those times.

It was then when I was reminded that we are indeed creatures of habit.   Even in the office where these days we do not have assigned seating, I find myself sitting in the same spot when I go in.    And I've seen others do the same.   It is funny how old habits die hard.

So Midas and I met for lunch yesterday (09/30).   We met halfway between our homes at an Italian eatery.   I'm not gonna lie.   Seeing Midas again stirred up old memories of when we used to hookup.    Midas of course is older and not in as good shape as he used to be, but damn if I wasn't wanting us to bump uglies even though it's been over 12 years since we last did so.   I was then reminded one reason why it didn't necessarily work out for us.   I suggested us hang out a little longer by him accompanying me on an errand.    He of course pushed back but I understand why.   We're not in a relationship so technically the last thing he wanted to do was something mundane like I was suggesting.

I'm not going to lie though.  On my way to my errand after our brunch, I drove past a park and I was thinking, damn it would've been nice if Midas and I went to that park and rekindled old passions.   I guess it doesn't help that the last time I had sex was back with Lansing Bae in March 2023.   Now had I suggested we go to the park, I think Midas would've been more receptive.   LOL

Yes, old habits die hard.

P.S. Happy 99th birthday to our 39th U.S. President Jimmy Carter who is continuing to defy the odds.    Here's to another year around the sun as you inch closer to your 100th!   Cheers!