Another Christmas Holiday has come and gone. I spent my holiday in Detroit and stayed with Trina and Donovan who are continuing to work through their issues. Things seemed a bit better than my last visit. Tasha came over on Christmas and Donovan bought his Mom over to spend time as well.
While there Donovan bought up the question on whether you would still want to be living if you ended up terminally ill and not able to live a normal life. Basically you are bed ridden and need to rely on other folks. My sisters and I of course experienced it close hand with our parents needing to rely on us more and more.
Donovan proclaimed that he would rather be put out of his misery. My sisters and I were of course on the fence. Tasha and I didn't respond but rather contemplating the situation. Trina said that if there was a chance for recovery she'd want to fight to live so that would include being bed ridden. Donovan of course blurted that the three of us would probably want to remain bed ridden.
It's definitely a complex topic. Our Catholic upbringing taught us that it's a sin to end your own life no matter the circumstances. It is believed that life belongs to God and it's up to God when it's time for it to be over. But it's a tough situation to be in where you're no longer able to do things for yourself and have to depend on other folks to take care of you.
I only need to look at Dom who used to enjoy walking and used to walk pretty quickly when navigating through the streets. In the last year and a half I've witnessed him slowing down considerably. He is able to walk though he occasionally needs his cane and has to take his time going up and down the stairs. It makes him feel frustrated. Thankfully though he can still function so he's not at the point of our discussion.
It does though give a taste of what else may come in the future. Losing the ability to move around easily is depressing itself. Imagine not being able to move or even use the bathroom on your own. Imagine being in constant pain. That has to be a horrible feeling.
I remember Mama feeling horrible during the initial parts of her hospice when she needed us to clean her porta potty. To try and appease her I told her that she did it for my sisters and I when we were little so we were returning the favor. She also resisted having a home care assistant come over but had to relent to that as well. It is sad how we start out dependent on our parents to take care of us, then we become independent able to do things ourselves, only to have our lives end as we started.
I imagine I would feel the same way that Mama felt. The question is just would I accept my fate and let nature take its course until I die or do I choose to end things sooner. Whatever the answer is, it's a personal choice that all of us if we live long enough will have to make.
It's a sad thought to end the year in. It reminds me that I do need to appreciate the good and even the bad things that happen in life. With each breath we have the chance to change the course of our lives hopefully for the better. I do hope with the New Year soon coming that I continue to work on my personal goals of paying off our mortgage and becoming more financially independent. I also hope that I continue to hang on to my job which has helped me in paying off my credit card debt and also making some investments that I pray will yield fruit.
I'll probably end the year hanging out with Eugene and his friend in downtown Chicago. I wasn't able to do so the last couple years. I will say that I would rather spend my New Year's Eve at home and not dealing with people. I especially didn't feel up to it the year Mama died. But in the end I'm glad Eugene convinced me to head out and it'll probably do me some good. Actually his friend wound up moving to downtown Chicago so I need to make more of an effort to hang with him. He and I bonded over discussing some of Eugene's less than stellar characteristics like his not wanting to admit being wrong about anything.
The only thing stopping me is that I'm starting to get the same cold that Dom's been suffering with for a couple weeks. I managed to fight it off before going to Detroit by gargling with salt water but since I've been back it's been coming full force. I think the house is full of germs in the air. I need to pick up a can of Lysol to spray around the house and try to kill some of these germs. Fun times...LOL.
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