Ending It All

 Another Christmas Holiday has come and gone.   I spent my holiday in Detroit and stayed with Trina and Donovan who are continuing to work through their issues.    Things seemed a bit better than my last visit.  Tasha came over on Christmas and Donovan bought his Mom over to spend time as well.   

While there Donovan bought up the question on whether you would still want to be living if you ended up terminally ill and not able to live a normal life.   Basically you are bed ridden and need to rely on other folks.   My sisters and I of course experienced it close hand with our parents needing to rely on us more and more.

Donovan proclaimed that he would rather be put out of his misery.   My sisters and I were of course on the fence.  Tasha and I didn't respond but rather contemplating the situation.   Trina said that if there was a chance for recovery she'd want to fight to live so that would include being bed ridden.    Donovan of course blurted that the three of us would probably want to remain bed ridden.

It's definitely a complex topic.   Our Catholic upbringing taught us that it's a sin to end your own life no matter the circumstances.   It is believed that life belongs to God and it's up to God when it's time for it to be over.   But it's a tough situation to be in where you're no longer able to do things for yourself and have to depend on other folks to take care of you.

I only need to look at Dom who used to enjoy walking and used to walk pretty quickly when navigating through the streets.    In the last year and a half I've witnessed him slowing down considerably.   He is able to walk though he occasionally needs his cane and has to take his time going up and down the stairs.  It makes him feel frustrated.   Thankfully though he can still function so he's not at the point of our discussion.

It does though give a taste of what else may come in the future.   Losing the ability to move around easily is depressing itself.   Imagine not being able to move or even use the bathroom on your own.   Imagine being in constant pain.  That has to be a horrible feeling.

I remember Mama feeling horrible during the initial parts of her hospice when she needed us to clean her porta potty.   To try and appease her I told her that she did it for my sisters and I when we were little so we were returning the favor.    She also resisted having a home care assistant come over but had to relent to that as well.   It is sad how we start out dependent on our parents to take care of us, then we become independent able to do things ourselves, only to have our lives end as we started.

I imagine I would feel the same way that Mama felt.   The question is just would I accept my fate and let nature take its course until I die or do I choose to end things sooner.   Whatever the answer is, it's a personal choice that all of us if we live long enough will have to make.   

It's a sad thought to end the year in.  It reminds me that I do need to appreciate the good and even the bad things that happen in life.   With each breath we have the chance to change the course of our lives hopefully for the better.   I do hope with the New Year soon coming that I continue to work on my personal goals of paying off our mortgage and becoming more financially independent.   I also hope that I continue to hang on to my job which has helped me in paying off my credit card debt and also making some investments that I pray will yield fruit.

I'll probably end the year hanging out with Eugene and his friend in downtown Chicago.   I wasn't able to do so the last couple years.   I will say that I would rather spend my New Year's Eve at home and not dealing with people.   I especially didn't feel up to it the year Mama died.    But in the end I'm glad Eugene convinced me to head out and it'll probably do me some good.   Actually his friend wound up moving to downtown Chicago so I need to make more of an effort to hang with him.    He and I bonded over discussing some of Eugene's less than stellar characteristics like his not wanting to admit being wrong about anything.   

The only thing stopping me is that I'm starting to get the same cold that Dom's been suffering with for a couple weeks.   I managed to fight it off before going to Detroit by gargling with salt water but since I've been back it's been coming full force.   I think the house is full of germs in the air.   I need to pick up a can of Lysol to spray around the house and try to kill some of these germs.   Fun times...LOL.

A Third Look

 Fate has a funny way of making things happen.    I remember it was the summer of 2005 and I connected with one of many guys on a social networking site.   One of them was a guy named Anthony that lived in the Hyde Park area of Chicago.   Anthony mentioned having some community social group for black gay men that he was facilitating and he wanted me to come by to meet him during one of the meetings.   

I, of course, was living in the west burbs of Chicago so the trek took a bit but I agreed to meet him.   It was on a Saturday afternoon and if you've ever been to Hyde Park, parking is next to impossible to find.   But I did manage to find a spot and then made my way to the community center.

Anthony and I exchanged hellos and I believe I stayed for the meeting.  I remember some of the other guys trying to hit on me but I was not interested.    I also really wasn't feeling Anthony.   His voice was a bit more feminine than I liked and while I liked bigger guys, he had an odd shape that didn't resonate with me.   Needless to say we never met again after that day.

Fast forward to the fall of 2021, over 16 years later, and I wind up meeting Anthony again.   I did not know it was him but we had chatted on another social networking site and agreed to meet at his place (now in the Southwest burbs of Illinois).   It was a Sunday evening and I was just coming home from a long day at Amazon.   I was obviously beat from my long day but I was horned up.   I needed to shower and freshen up.   Dom was fast asleep and I made sure not to disturb him.

It was a bit of an adventure getting to him.  Apparently his street continued into another burb and I wound up going to that burb by mistake and hitting a dead end and alerting a cop that was parked on the dead end.    The cop flashed his light in my car and asked me where I was going.    I quickly explained the address and he confirmed I was in the wrong part of town and gave me directions on where to go.

Anthony and I were exchanging messages and he gave me his phone number.  We started chatting and I didn't realize it was him but I remember not feeling his voice.   But I still made my way to his place.   When he opened the door I was surprised to see it was the Anthony from way back in 2005.   He gave no indication of remembering me.

He let me in.   We sat for a bit and I still wasn't sure I wanted to hook up with him.   But he made a point that since I was at his place, we might as well give it a go.   So we did.   And OMG I remember the sex was great.   He fucked the hell out of me and we were very passionate.   He was very nice offering me a water afterwards and we chatted for a minute before we eventually parted ways.

He wanted to meet with me again but since he knew I was with Dom, he wanted me to tell him about us.   That freaked me out and I told him we couldn't meet again.   I regretted that decision as I realized that he was right in that I needed to be honest with Dom.   Now Dom and I had talked about me being able to have extra-curricular activities when out of town but I didn't feel comfortable telling him about potential conquests.   So the thought of doing so was not something I wanted to do.

So two weeks ago I noticed Anthony was checking out my profile but not saying anything.   We did a bit of cat and mouse but we're chatting again.   So it's our third time around the block.    We decided we'd give it a go after the New Year.   I do plan on telling Dom about him this time.

I'm at the point now I just want to find a couple guys to have regular relations with and limit my interactions on the social sites which are full of fake folks.  I don't know how much time I have left and want to have a regular sex life before I lose it.

As far as who the other guys could be, the top of my list of course is Midas.   The only issue with Midas is that he lives on the Northside of Chicago so he would be a bit of a ride to get to him.   Plus I need to verify that he'd still want to hook up with me.   Our last time was on New Year's Day 2011.   We do have a playful banter but would it go beyond that.

I also recently reconnected with Doug.   I had blocked him last year sometime because he kept playing a game of cat and mouse.   He would suggest a meeting time and then pull a disappearing act on that day.   It got old so I distanced myself from him.   He had my cellphone number though so I hoped that he would text me but he never did.

In a moment of weakness I unblocked him on social media and we started chatting again.   I even suggested that he could come over to help Dom and I rearrange our kitchen area as a chance to meet Dom.   But when I suggested a possible date, he did not respond to me.   I thankfully did not tell Dom about the possible date.   He later pulled the same trick with suggesting a time to meet up for fun and then disappearing.  He later claimed that something happened with work.

It's so frustrating why he acts this way as we've met dozens of times before and we've had a great time.  He claims that he hasn't hooked up with anyone since me which I don't believe.   I would think that would be all the more reason to make an effort.    I feel like an imbecile wasting my time with him again.

I'm thankful that I'm not someone that needs lots of sex.   I would be okay with having regular "coitus" (thank you Big Bang Theory...LOL) once or twice a week.   I guess it's a good thing I don't need more since I imagine I would not be with Dom if that was the case.

Hemingway we'll see what happens.  To tide me over till Anthony and I plan a meet, I will be meeting a random hottie on route to visiting my sisters for the holiday weekend.    We'll see if it happens though.  Uggh...men, why do I still need them?  Can't live with them, can't live without them.   LOL!

CGMC Again

 Dom and I had a date night in downtown Chicago last night.   We went to none other than the Chicago's Gay Men Chorus's annual Christmas show which has been a tradition of ours for almost the last decade.   Thankfully my work day was light after three stressful Sev1 days.   One of my cases the customer literally demanded wanting a meeting with the tech team because the resolution was not fast enough for them and they were losing millions.   I'm not thrilled with my new role dealing with Severity 1 cases but I'm hoping I can find a groove and make things better.   I have dusted off my old resume though and am in the process of finally updating it so I can be ready for new opportunities when they arise.

So back to our night in the city.   We started out by driving to the train station to catch the train that would whisk us to downtown.    It's the only way I prefer going to the city these days as I hate driving there.   The train car we were in was pretty full but we lucked out and found an open two seats together.   

Once downtown we took to the city sights.   Thankfully the weather was beautiful for a December evening.   Not too cold at all with just a light breeze.    It was in the mid-50's, a temperature I wish it would stay at all winter.

We had about 90 minutes to kill before the show started.   Some Facebook acquaintances were ranting and raving about this fast food place called Jolibee that serves what they call "comfort food" but with a Filipino twist.    They serve chicken, burgers, and even spaghetti & meatballs.   I was curious to try it but their location is a bit too far from the part of downtown that I work so the opportunity didn't arise.   But the theatre we were going to see the show was only a few blocks from their Michigan City location so I suggested it to Dom as a dining spot.

We quickly spied the place when seeing the distinctive bee mascot just outside the main entrance.   We went in and the space itself was open and inviting.   I did notice there were a lot of Asian folks dining so clearly it was a place they enjoyed.

Unfortunately that's where it ended.  The server we had was so preoccupied with her cell phone that it took five minutes before she finally looked up to place our order.   I saw that they had a spicy chicken sandwich and was immediately told they were out of it.   I opted instead to get a two piece chicken meal with fries.  I also ordered their peach mango pie since it was all the rave with my Facebook acquaintances.   Dom was expecting a more Asian theme meal so was disappointed at the onset.   He settled for 6 piece chicken tenders.   But the server said they were out of that too.   Finally the server relented that it would be a fifteen minute wait which we were fine with since we had some time to kill.   He also ordered the peach mango pie.

I was shocked to see that the chicken tenders were $16 when I reviewed the receipt after sitting down.  I went up to check to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me and confirmed that was the price.    When we finally got our meal the tenders were so tiny.   Dom had me try one and it tasted good but I felt they were way overpriced for what it actually was.

My two piece chicken and fries tasted fine.   It was half the price of Dom's dish and probably could've been two dollars less if I was nitpicking but compared to the tenders, it was a bargain.  LOL.   I had one drumstick and a small thigh.

We both hoped the peach mango pie at least would be the highlight of the meal.   The outside crust reminded me of the old school McDonald's apple and cherry pies with the fried crust they used to serve up until sometime in the late 90's when they went for the more baked type crust.   The pie itself was tiny and unfortunately it was probably sitting in the warmer area for a bit too long as they were not particularly hot.   Dom didn't like it because it didn't taste fruity enough.   I tasted the fruit a little bit but I wasn't impressed with it either.    To top it off they didn't serve napkins initially and when I went back to ask, they gave me only a few thin pieces of napkins.   It's like they were trying to hoard the napkins.

At least I got my curiosity out of the way.   I definitely won't be going out of my way to go back anytime soon.

It was a busy night in the city as we slowly made our way to the Auditorium Theatre.    It was both of our first times in the historic theatre.   We loved the outside architecture of the building and the inside theatre was a thing of beauty.    Dom needed to use the restroom and we immediately was told about one that unfortunately required going downstairs, something that is a challenge for Dom to do these days.     We initially had seats in the Front Balcony which there was an elevator that could be taken.   We then learned there was a restroom on that floor as well that would've been easier for Dom to get to.   Then as we were about to sit down, the usher was telling us about a "free upgrade" to the pit area since they did not sell all of the pit seats.   

Dom quickly said yes and I was okay with it too since I had thought our initial seats would have an open area to stretch.   So we went to the pit area and had two seats in the DDD row which was four row from the stage.   There was a young-ish twink guy that was sitting in the seat near me already.   Dom had an open seat next to him that he placed his coat in.   But another bearish gentleman wound up sitting there.   He was cute and I saw that Dom and he exchange pleasantries.   I couldn't help but stare at him from time to time.   The seating was a bit tight so all four of us kept brushing against each other.  Finally during intermission Dom discovered that the seats were all connected to each other and could be disconnected which gave us a little more breathing room.

We enjoyed the show and we got to see a gentleman that used to go to our Church performing as part of the choir.   Daniel really seems to be enjoying himself.   He's retired from working and pretty much CGMC is his life now.   Dom was thinking that it would be nice for Daniel to have someone in his life since he's been single for a long time.   But I reminded Dom that I'm sure Daniel is having some fun since he is in a gay men's chorus and I'm sure there are single guys among them.

Sadly the bearish guy next to Dom took off quickly by the end of the show.   He didn't even stick around to have small talk with during the break like the twink guy next to me did.   Twink guy next to me was pretty cool as he explained the rules for some side contest that went on before Act 2.   It's possible bearish guy saw Dom and I holding hands and he figured he didn't want to be in the middle of things.  Though it wasn't like anything was going to happen anyway.

We had an annoying loud lady sitting behind us.    Dom reminded me that no matter what show we go to, there'll always be some annoying person(s) around us.   In the grand scheme of things, she wasn't the worst we encountered but she's up there on the list.

We didn't get home until well after midnight.   I was tired but had some dishes and cleaning in kitchen that needed to be done before I went to sleep.   Well it could've waited but I don't like leaving dirty dishes overnight.

Future State

 Omg.  I was listening to this video on Youtube and commodities expert Simon Hunt made some dire predictions for 2024 and beyond.    The main summary from the video below is the G7 countries (Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, U.K. and United States) will experience a global economic catastrophe that will put the world in a potential depression for the next 7 years.

According to Investorpedia, a depression is a sustained and severe downturn in economic activity.   It is extreme recession that lasts more than three years.   The scary thing is that due to world wide conflicts in Taiwan, Ukraine, North Korea, and Russian, the threat of World War III may become reality before the early 2030's.

I've been really focusing on trying to pay off all of my current debt.   For the most part I've been doing great in that regards.   My only major debt is the mortgage and I've continued to pay off my cards every month w/o carrying over a balance month-to-month.    But I feel stressed from work especially with my new role of handling top severity cases.   These are the ones where the customer needs to be hand-held even more and the pressure is on to get the customer satisfied.  The stress from that alone is really getting to me and it's only my second day in the new role.

But if what the experts in that video says may pass in 2024 happens, I'm going to need to do all I can to prepare for the worst.   It truly is a scary time to be alive.   I am grateful to have been born when I was.  It may have been for the best that I didn't have any children.   I can't imagine being a young adult now trying to navigate through expensive rent and unattainable home ownership.  When I started living on my own, I was able to find a 1-bedroom in the Maryland-DC area for a little over $500 a month to rent.   A 1-bedroom today is almost three times as much.   And that is still the case even in a less than desirable neighborhood.   

When it was time for me to get a home, I was thankful to find something in the $130K range.   My same home today is Zestimated at around $260K.

The job market now is truly scary as well.  Luckily we were just coming off a recession when I graduated college back in 1994 and was able to secure my first job within two months.   I got to experience that job struggle several years back after I was laid off and my contract job ended.   I was very blessed I was able to navigate that to my current job that I'll soon be celebrating two years having.   My job is stressful but it helps to pay the bills and was part of how I was able to pay off my credit card debt.

But the fear of being laid off again always is in the air which is part of what's driving me to aggressively eliminate all my debt.   I can't help but wonder if things do become dire with the world, what will happen if I do lose my job again and it's not so easy to find another one and Blackberry stock still does not go where I hope it will.

I am also grateful that I found Dom.   Despite our differences in some philosophies, he has shown that he does truly love and care for me.   I feel the same way about him.   

While I can't control where the world economy is going, I can control my piece of it at least.   That is the plan of course.