Holiday Mayhem

 Merry Christmas 2022!   This Christmas will go down in history as the first one in many years  that I'm not spending it in Detroit.   It's the first one that neither of my parents are around to share the holiday season with.    It's also the first one in a long time where the inclement weather that swept across most of America just before the holiday was coined by weather folks as "The Nightmare Before Christmas".   Temperatures plunged into below freezing as a wintry mix descended across the U.S.   Thankfully the actual snowfall was less than 3 inches in my neck of the woods so not the worst I've seen.    But the temps reached as low as -8 and with the threat of burst pipes required us to bleed out our faucets so they don't freeze.

There were two storms that brought much more snow that I was actually remember.   The first was coined the Blizzard of 1996.   It took place between January 6 - 8.  I was a fresh doe-eyed (*LOL*) 23 year old living on my own in the Washington D.C. area.   I was almost a year in my first corporate job.   I was a consultant assigned to work for then Bell Atlantic and had relocated to the D.C. area for the project.   The storm bought almost two feet of snow to where I lived.   I was pretty much trapped in my apartment for a few days.   I do recall walking to the local grocery store a day or so later and seeing people sliding groceries with sleds.   I remember too spending that time calling a few mutual fund companies and starting some retirement investments.   I will say my Dad was good about teaching me the power of saving money.   Going on a slight tangent I do wish that high schools taught financial planning to kids.   I do credit Black Enterprise with teaching me about stocks, bonds, and mutual funds.   But if I wasn't proactive about learning about money, I would not know about it till much later.  

The other big storm I remember took place late January 2011.    I was living in the west burbs of Chicago at the time.   Again almost two feet of snow fell between several days.  I still remember having to use a bucket to clear snow by the door to even be able to open it.   I had to do a little bit at a time and then take multiple breaks.   It took several days before the homeowner association cleared out the roads around me. The snow fell so fast and hard, drivers were stranded for miles in the northbound lanes of Lake Shore Drive.   Many were trapped for hours by crashes in front of them, traffic behind them, and snow falling all around them.   So glad I wasn't in that mess.  Crazy times.

My Dad for as long as I could remember would recall the blizzard of 1978 that took place in Detroit.   I was 5 at the time and have no recollection of it.    But my Dad shared the story of how his car was trapped in all the snow and the roads weren't plowed since the focus was on the main streets.   He mentioned needing to walk to the main street in our area and catch a bus so he could get baby formula for my younger sister Trina who was at the time a few months old.   I imagine too that he had to clean quite a bit of snow as well around the house.

While this year's "Nightmare Before Christmas" storm pales in comparison to the three big storms I mentioned, my sisters and I decided that it would be better if we met closer to New Year's Day.   The weather will be warmer by then in the upper 40s and 50s.   So that's what we decided to do.   Maybe it'll be the start of a new tradition.   On the flipside it'll be the second New Year's Eve that I don't spend hanging out with Eugene and another friend of his who visit Chicagoland every year.   Last year I couldn't attend because I had to work at Amazon though that got circumvented by my stone drama.   His friend actually moved to Chicago this year so it'll be interesting to see what they do this year.

It'll be the first Christmas that Dom and I get to spend together as well.   Usually I'm in Detroit and typically he visits his family before Christmas and is home alone for Christmas.  So it'll be good to spend time together.   We'll even be able to attend Christmas mass at our local church, a first there too.

Happy Holidays to you!

Was He The One?

Shanice - You Were The One 

VERSE 1:
I know things don't last forever
But I thought that you were true
I guess I've been mistaken
Cause our love is done and through
It hurts me
Cause I know I was true to you
And I'm sorry for whatever I've done to you

REFRAIN:
Oo-oo-oo baby
You were the one for me
Baby can't you see
You shouldn't have set me free
And oh why did you let me go
I thought our love could grow
You know I loved you so
You were the one

My friend Midas and I have had quite the ride since he's first came into my life in 2008.   He's one of the sweetest guys I've ever met and in all honesty was the best sex I've had.   I still remember fondly the first time we met on a random 4th of July weekend night.   I drove over to his apartment and I was pleasantly surprised how handsome he was in person.   Once inside his apartment I reached out to shake his hand but he pulled me towards him and we had the most passionate kiss.    When I say that I felt electricity spark, just typing these words and reliving the moment in my head, I'm feeling that spark.   Very appropriate feeling those inside fireworks on the 4th of July weekend.  LOL

At the time my ex-Rock and I were in the tail end of our relationship.   Midas was the first guy I met since being with Rock for almost two years.   I remember being so nervous too and Midas being a calming influence.   We talked for a bit and then he led me to his lair where we had our first sexual encounter.   

I quickly caught feelings for Midas which proved to be dangerous since he was not looking to commit to anyone.   Wanting to still be with him, I hid my true feelings and we continued to meet periodically to hook up.   Midas even had me doing some 3-ways with him.   He's the only guy I've ever done that with.   I remember after the first 3-way and the third left the apartment he sat down with me and asked how I felt about it.   I remember us talking about it for a few more minutes before eventually I left his apartment as well.  It felt good knowing that he wanted to hear my feelings.

In time though my feelings got deeper for Midas and he was not on the same page.   So after a few years of fun, I told him that I couldn't hook up with him anymore.   I confessed how I felt about him and he told me he wasn't looking to be in a relationship.   In fact I remember the date that we last hooked up.   That's how much I was into Midas.   It was New Year's Day 2011.

He tried for awhile to still connect with me but I kept my distance.   He eventually stopped asking me to hook up.   We reconnected again a few years ago and we've maintained a friendly banter.    He would always check up on me periodically to see how I was doing.   He always had an encouraging word to say especially when I went through the trails of unemployment and losing both my parents.   I've been there for him too with a kind word as he's currently dealing with unemployment and health issues (his heart).   We even met for lunch midway between our homes in 2021.   It was our first time seeing each other in person since 2016.   Just lunch, yes...LOL.

But in recent months we've added some sexual banter to our chats.  I confided in him last year that Dom and I aren't having sex anymore.   I admit our sex texts have got me thinking about meeting up with Midas for real.  It would be nice to have a regular reliable sex partner.   Of course I would have to tell Dom about him as well if it went there.    But I'm afraid to open that door again.   My biggest fear is what if the sex isn't as magical as it was back then.  Would we lose our friendship?   I would hate to not have him in my life anymore.

A part of me over the years wondered what would've happened if Midas was open to having more with me.   Would we still be together today?   I know the odds of that being the case is nil.   I definitely am happy though that Midas and I still keep in touch to this day.   Had we decided to pursue a relationship it's possible that we wouldn't still be in touch in the event the relationship went south.

Life is so crazy.   I do feel like Midas could've been the one.  I wish he could've seen it back then.   But like I said I'm grateful that we still keep in touch.   Hard to believe it's going on 14 years.   We'll see where things go next.

Doll Mania

Dom is getting on my nerves again with his doll obsession.    He's wanting to renege on the initial Thanksgiving plans he initially suggested and I agreed with.    In my last post I mentioned how the plan he discussed was him driving us visit his parents Wednesday morning and stay there until Thanksgiving.   Then we would drive back home and then early Friday morning I would drive to Detroit and stay until Saturday morning.

I thought it was a good idea and I told my sisters about our plans.   So now Dom is saying he doesn't feel like going anywhere and just wants to stay home.   I told him that I thought the plans were solid and actually fair as I thought I would have to do all the driving.   So now he's suggesting only visiting his family on Thanksgiving and then he wants me to drive to Detroit and back the same day.   Mind you Detroit is about 3 1/2 to 4 hours (depending on how fast you drive) each way.

I'm of course objecting to the idea.   I was planning to have us stay in a hotel overnight since I thought it would be easier for the both of us instead of staying with Trina.    So then he says it's a waste of money to stay at a hotel for one night.    He has the nerve talking about wasting money considering all the money he wastes on his hobby.

Then I find out the real reason he wants to stay home.   Apparently there are some dolls that are going on sale Saturday morning and he wants to be home so he can buy them.    He gets paid this Friday and he's already talking about spending all his money.   Then he has the gall to complain about me paying for a hotel.   I told him that I was paying for it anyway so I didn't understand his concern.   Then he said "I don't care".   Considering how he chooses to waste his money, it annoys me that he's harping on a hotel expense for one night.   It's beneficial for me mostly because I don't want to have to spend 8 hours on the road in 24 hours.   If I was in my 20's or 30's, I wouldn't have a problem.   But I just don't have the energy or desire to want to do that.

He then suggested he stay home so I can stay longer with sisters.   But I already told my sisters he was coming as well and he'll leave me with the bag of explaining why he's not there.   Of course he'll come off being the bad guy in my sisters' eyes but I'm not trying to go there.

His laptop currently has an issue where it can't fold up properly without breaking the laptop.   So he won't be able to bring his laptop to spend all his money on dolls.   I believe that's the underlying issue.  I swear some days I wonder if I could turn back the clock and not have met Dom.   But I know that's not possible and at the end of the day, I do love him and despite a few annoyances, I can't imagine my life without him.

I'm hoping we can come to some kind of agreement.   We have another day or so to discuss.  Fun times.

November Fun

 The holidays are quickly creeping up.   We had our first taste of winter a few days ago.   It wasn't enough snow thankfully to stick too much but it along with the cold reminded me of what's to come.   Dom had a scary moment going to work narrowly avoiding being hit by a spun out semi-truck.   People definitely don't know how to drive when the elements first hit.

Dom and I are planning to do a bit of traveling next week for the Thanksgiving Holiday.   The plan is for him to drive us to visit his family the Day before Thanksgiving and stay till Thanksgiving.   Then come back home and I drive us to Detroit to see my sisters.   I really want him to go to Detroit since he hasn't been since my Mom's funeral.   He couldn't make my Dad's funeral because he started week one of the new school year at the same time and needed to be there.

Dom's already reneging on doing any traveling next week.   It doesn't help that the weather may be crappy as well.   But I really think we need to visit.   His sister is on the tail end of receiving chemo for cancer and it would great if his parents got to see all three siblings together at the same time.   Also like I said he hasn't been to Detroit in a while and he needs to make an appearance.   I'm praying the weather cooperates next week though since even I am not keen on driving if the weather is messy.

I capped off a great week at work (even through some annoying customers and account executive managers - but that's every week...*LOL*).  I closed a record 19 cases this week.   I'm usually lucky to close 10 cases.   But the stars seemed to align this week.   I have another certification exam that I'm attempting to take tomorrow as well that I hope I can pass on.    This time it's for Business Analyst, which used to be my past life.   I'm hopeful that I can add yet another Salesforce certification to my coffer which will make 6 certifications.    (Yes I also managed to finally get the Sales Cloud Consultant  Certification after my 3rd try on October 4th).    I'm hoping the questions for the BA cert will be intuitive based on the ones I've studied on.

Eugene called me the other day as well which was nice.   We don't talk as much these days like we used to years back.   He wanted me to help him verify access to download a recommendation letter he wrote for a former student (a greek hottie) who he kinda messed around with.   Greek hottie was a college student (now assistant professor) to clarify and it didn't happen till after he was done taking Eugene's class.   So anyway Eugene has been tight lipped on pics of him.   But he gave me enough information that I was able to do a Google search on the sly and finally lay eyes on a photo of him.   And wooh...boyfriend is fine!  Of course I had to tell Eugene what I did and we both shared a nice laugh.   

This weekend will be busy at our Church as well.   I'm part of the Church board and as clerk I have to take minutes for our yearly congregational meeting and also present accomplishments for the year which includes donations of school supplies and Christmas presents for children of parents impacted by the HIV virus, participating in local Pride fests, as well as hosting game nights and karaoke.   It's a bit of work being on the board but thankfully it's been manageable.

That's been my life in a nutshell.  I'm keeping it moving forward.

Live To Tell

 I was not ready for the fall but I wasn't too blind to see the writing on the wall.   If you're seeing this post, it means that I made it through my 50th birthday skydive unscathed.   This time I ended up with a lady instructor.   I admit I was hoping I would see my original skydiver once more but it's likely he's not working there anymore.   I mean, it's been ten years since my last visit.

Hemingway the instructor was nice but most importantly she got me out of the skydive alive.   This time I opted not to take photos or a video since I did all that on my 40th.    I was on a plane with two other customers and their instructors as well as camera and video folks since they both paid for the extra services.   So unlike my first skydive, where I was the first to get out of the plane, this go around, I was the last to get out of the plane.  

I don't know if it's any better being last out of the plane than it was being first.   She tricked me in saying that once the initial divers did their dive, they would close the plane and go a little higher.   I instead found myself in the position once again of being pushed out of a moving plane.   I wasn't really ready but I had no choice but to proceed.   I guess she did say I could give a sign if I didn't want to do it and they would not do the jump but I wasn't going to go out like that.   

I was nervous as hell and screamed to high hell when I started plummeting from the sky but I did much better than my first dive.   When she tapped my shoulders, I did stretch out my hands to wave.    Then moments later when she tapped again, I did try to reach back for the parachute.   But I couldn't quite find it so she wound up opening it.    The freefall again was the scariest part but I was glad that all the harnesses were properly connected and I was still latched to the instructor.

The weather was perfect too.  It was cold but it was sunny and in the mid-50s.

Prior to my jump I even had an old friend call me for my birthday.   I don't remember if I spoke about him before in my blog but Mitch and I first met back in 2009 when I responded to an ad on Craigslist (when that used to be around) for a hookup.   I met him at his place and a one hour romp wound up being an all afternoon and late evening stay.   

Mitch and I wound up having a great rapport and he invited me to stay over for a BBQ lunch and later some dinner.   We fooled around again later on before I left for the evening.

We met a few more times over the next few years but I knew nothing more would come of it since he was married with two kids.   He was in an open relationship and his wife knew of me and she was the sweetest person too.   I even met his kids (a son and daughter) twice.

Sadly he fell into some trouble in 2014 when he was accused of soliciting a nude video from a teenager.   He didn't realize the boy was actually a teenager until it was too late.   And apparently the boy had other older men in his web but Mitch took the fall for all of them.    He wound up getting an 11 year prison sentence at a federal facility where he can't have any internet privileges and of course no freedom.   He's also now a registered sex offender so once he gets out of prison, he'll have to be cautious of where he lives.

So it was great to get his call on my birthday.   He timed it good too since I was waiting at the Skydive facility for my time to suit up.   He's missed out on a lot of events that have happened since he began his prison time in 2017.    He's missed five weddings and he couldn't be there when his wife died from cancer.   His daugther also has some health issues and both of his children he said has resentment against him for what happened.   I feel so bad for him.    He's over half way done with his sentence and is scheduled to be released in March 2028.

We've been writing each other letters over the last six years and his emotions are all over the place obviously.   I always feel bad when telling him about my issues because it can never compare to being locked up in prison.   I pray for him and also pray I never find myself in that situation.   He was 54 when he got convicted and sentenced and will be 65 when he gets out.   Crazy.

So life goes on.   It'll be almost three years since my Mom died.   I plan to light candles for both my parents around All Souls Day.   It's just amazing how our lives are just a small blip to the millions of years the world has existed.   That's why I remind myself to try to enjoy life while you can.   It really is too short.

50 Eve

 I got back from my trip to San Diego on Tuesday.   It was an enjoyable time even though I didn't make any profit at the casinos I visited.   Also unfortunately David and I did not meet.    He had a close family pet die the day before my trip and he basically said that he wasn't in the best frame of mind to meet.   You never know if people are telling the truth when they make last minute cancellations.   Life does happen of course even if it happens at funny times.    I know if I told Eugene about it, he'd say that David is lying.   I  know too that the window of opportunity to meet again is unlikely.    Also he will have to make the next move if that is to happen.   And if it's like all my past experiences with guys, that means that it won't happen.  

But besides the casinos I also checked out Old Town and attempted to visit Julian, CA which has a place called Julian Pie Company famous for their apple pies.    I drove to Julian mid-Saturday and there was such a large crowd in the town and there were no places to park so I wound up turning back around.   But thanks to the Internet, I was able to order a pie online that'll be delivered to my home just in time for my 50th birthday.   It's an almost $50 apple pie too with half of that going towards shipping.    Hope the pie is worth the hype.

I lucked out getting a four day rental at a decent price.   I was able to use a corporate discount which made quite the difference in price.   The best thing too is that I just had to pick up the car w/o having to deal with the rental agent.    It was smooth and seamless.   

I didn't miss the airport one bit.   On the plane trip going I was surrounded by a lounging person in front of me and some young idiots behind me that kept pulling on my seat and pushing against the lower part.   And I didn't get a row to myself either time.    I fucking hate people.  Economy Parking was not so much an economic choice, costing me $75 by the time I returned.   

But I'm so blessed that I was able to do the trip.

I'm also planning to do another Skydive on my actual birthday.   The last time I did one was on my 40th birthday.   How time flies.    I admit I'm feeling nervous about it but I'm hopeful that it'll be fine like the last one was.  Thanks to Covid, they now gave me the option to sign my life away online.   I'm still deciding if I want to jump out of a perfectly good plane or not.    If I don't I'll only be out $50.

Merry Gardener

 Dom learned about this vegetable called cucamelon when looking at plant seeds on Amazon.    The cucamelon is a small veggie that looks like a small cucumber but tastes like a lime.  Apparently they are the latest hot superfood.    They are said to be chock full of vitamins, minerals, antioxidants, and fiber.   Plus they are low in calories and can help lower the risk of heart attack and stroke.

That all sounds good.   So of course we bought some seeds from Amazon.   We had a late start planting them sometime mid-June.   We had them in little tiny paper planters and then Dom transferred the survivors to a larger pot.    The plants themselves get quite vine-y but we're about a month away from the first frost so wondered if we'd get to enjoy an actual cucamelon.    Two weeks back we started noticing the little yellow flowers.  And to our joy Dom took a look at them after coming home from work today and to his surprise he saw two young cucamelons popping up.   He called them our little babies...*LOL*.    Hopefully they can grow up in the next month in time for us to enjoy the unique taste.   We definitely plan on getting more seeds next year and starting a lot earlier.

San Diego Rebound

 With my work life finally on track, I decided it's about time I take a vacation.  Well actually Dom and I had a few mini-vacations here and there over the years.   But I mean my first real travel on a plane type vacation.   The title of the blog says it all.   I'm planning a trip to San Diego for my annual birthday trip (which hasn't happened in a few years).   It'll be my first time on a plane since my trip to San Francisco in September 2018.    While in San Francisco, I chatted on my "favorite" social media hookup site (LOL...sarcasm) with a cool gentleman that was visiting San Francisco for a conference.    I was there for my final work project with a previous employer.    David and I had a great connection and planned to meet up for a nightcap.   Unfortunately we couldn't get our schedules to mesh due to our work obligations.    But we wound up having something better.   We developed a great email friendship that has carried on for almost four years.

David is a married college professor that's based in, you guessed it, San Diego.    He and his wife have a great marriage minus the sex.   So we share that in common.   They also have an adopted nephew with special needs that they take care of.   He shared with me how they helped him get in a program that helps him with developing skills to be productive.   David himself has a side gig as a magazine merchandizer at various stores.  It helps keep him fit.

I shared with him my life stories of working at Amazon, the loss of my parents, Cybersecurity bootcamps, Salesforce trainings, and job hunting.   He was always there with encouragement to keep going no matter what.   So when I was thinking about where to travel, I knew I had to go to his hometown to finally meet David in person.

My last time in San Diego was in 2012 (a little over ten years ago) hanging out with a former acquaintance I nicknamed Magic Mike.   I stayed in the La Jolla neighborhood at that time.    This time though I plan to mostly reside at the Sycuan Casino Resort in the East County neighborhood though hopefully I can take some side excursions while there.   The plan is for David to meet me one evening at the Steakhouse at Sycuan.    He's also hoping we can hang out for a bit during one of my other days in town.   We may even have that nightcap.   We will see how that goes.

Overall I'm looking forward to enjoying some time traveling even if it does hurt my wallet short-term.   Who knows though?  Maybe I'll finally win a huge jackpot to pay for it all.   One can dream, right?

Farewell Papa

Around 2am EST on August 20, 2022, my Dad took his last breath in a hospital bed.   It was the conclusion of several months of repeated hospital and rehab visits.   My sisters and I had a meeting with the hospital staff (I did it over the phone since I wasn't in town) on Friday afternoon where we discussed the future care for my Dad.   Trina scheduled court time to seek legal guardianship for my Dad since he wasn't of sound mind and body.   That was scheduled for September 15th but alas is not needed anymore.

I had hoped I would get to see my Dad one last time and planned to travel today to see him.   I got the call from Trina around 1:40 CST time but I was asleep and didn't hear the phone.   I woke up around 4:30 AM and saw that she had called but didn't leave a message.   I knew then and there what had happened.   I visited anyway since I originally had a certification test planned for that day that I rescheduled to a facility in Michigan.   I didn't pass the test but it was my first attempt at a new Sales Cloud Certification so I wasn't phased.   I just wanted to be there with my sisters.   We three are the final line of our particular branch of the family but both my parents have (had) other siblings who have other lines that are continuing on so unless COVID, Monkeypox, floods, fires, and whatever else the world has in store for mankind wipes everyone out, the family name will continue.

Prior to my Dad dying, Tasha had shared a letter she wrote and read to my Dad prior to his passing.   It inspired me to write my own letter that I didn't get to share with him verbally but I plan to place a copy of it with him in his casket.   I thought I would share it here as I remember the life of my Dad.

Dear Papa,

I wanted to take this moment to thank you for all you taught me.   I remember being afraid of you for the longest time.   It wasn't until I was much older that I learned from you the trauma that you dealt with growing up and the challenges you faced dealing with ignorant and racist people.  It's a wonder you kept on going.   But you had Mama and us 3 kids to think of.   I understand now the stress you dealt with and I see how we unintentionally added to it.   I can see why at times you would snap.

But I also saw a whole other side to you as well.   Your caring and vulnerable side.   You shared with me some of your hopes and dreams that didn't come to fruition.   I saw how prideful you were when I accomplished small milestones in my life.   And you were there to share your wisdom during those times I didn't reach my goals.

Some of my greatest moments was working with you side-by-side at our church.   Being the building manager brought its own sets of challenges.  I saw how you dealt with everyone wanting a piece of you and trying to tell you what to do or how things should be done.    You gave the church over several decades of dedicated service.   Your dedication and work ethic gave me a guideline to navigate my own career and work obstacles.

Well you made it to 92 years.   That's an amazing feat for a black man.   And I've said it before but it's also amazing both your older brothers also made it to their 90's before taking their last breaths.   I do hope you get to see them in the afterlife as well as your parents.

Most importantly I want you to give Mama the biggest hug and kiss for me.   You both made it to over 50 years of marriage.   I know she is waiting for you with open arms.   I still think of Mama everyday and now you are with her again.

I know you both will continue to watch over Tasha, Trina, and I for our remaining time on Earth.   I am hopeful one day I will reunite with you and Mama.   Until that day, know that you are in my thoughts now and forever.

I love you Papa!

Your #1 (Only Son) Eric

Broom Sweep

 In my last post I mentioned that I had a major life event that would be happening soon.   Well I am officially a married guy.    With everything going on with Dom's life in terms of his work crossroads and general health, we thought it would make sense to protect ourselves legally.   We also obviously married because we love each other.

So we decided to get married inside Marquette Park with a view of Lake Michigan.   The location was significant because we had our first official date and kiss inside of the park.   We only had a few select folks from our Church act as witnesses to our event (though the new Courthouse rules stated we didn't need witnesses anymore), in addition to our pastor.   I was nervous about the event being at the park since we were just doing a quick wedding and not renting it out.    The Park has a Pavilion that folks rent out.   Luckily where we had it didn't need to be rented out but it is a public venue so I was worried about wedding crashers. 

But thankfully we only had one crasher and he wound up being very respectful.   He actually reminded me of my brother-in-law Abe.    Dom wore a kilt for the wedding and Faux-Abe was bold enough to ask Dom about it.   He seemed to be a bit chatty too and was cheering when Dom and I completed the wedding ceremony.

So we treated the small wedding party to dinner afterwards at a local tavern.   Overall 07/20/2022 proved to be a great day for a wedding.

The next day after work, Dom and I drove to Peru, IN to attend the Peru Amateur Circus.   It's a two-week annual event that takes place in July.  The majority of the town residents either perform or assist in making the circus happen.   Dom grew up near Peru and had fond memories of going to the circus there.   He took me there once four years back so this would be my second time there.

After the show we went and got some elephant ears and a pork tenderloin sandwich.   The plan afterwards was to get a hotel.  I had wanted to reserve one ahead of time but Dom insisted we could get one along the way.   The plan afterwards was to head over to his older sister Marie and her husband Mark's place in Bloomington, IN.   Instead of a hotel he thought it was a good idea to call Marie after 11pm to see if we could drive straight there.   He had me dial but she didn't answer so I left a voicemail and we found a Super 8 to stay at that wasn't too bad thankfully.

I took off work Friday morning thankfully but I did log in quickly to check on some work stuff I forgot about.   We grabbed a quick breakfast at Mickey D's and then made our way to Bloomington.   Marie reached out to Dom also and we were able to get some general directions since they live in a newer constructed home and the address info was still not 100% accurate.

So the plan was to stay there until Sunday.  It would be my first time interacting with Marie on an extended basis.  From the stories I've heard about Marie from Dom and the rest of his immediate family, I was expecting things to be a bit awkward.   From my limited interactions with her in the past, she seemed a bit stuck up and mostly living in a small town the majority of her life, had limited interactions with black folks.

She does have her issues but she was nice to me and seemed to want to get to know me.   I guess that's all I can ask for.   It was interesting seeing the dynamics between Dom and Marie in action.  Marie's two years older than Dom and it seemed she was a terror to him.   I heard about how Marie tricked Dom into eating dog food when they were little and Dom wound up getting in trouble with their Mom.  Then there was the time she dissed him to get with the "in crowd".

Her husband Mark was a hoot.   He's like a big kid and is a practical joker at heart.   He was constantly trying to play jokes with us the entire time.   He tried to pawn off a fake $100 to us for Dom driving us to Spring Mill State Park.   

Overall it was a fun weekend.   It was almost like a mini-honeymoon.

What wasn't fun that weekend was my laptop deciding to give me the blue screen of death.  I had a lot of bad luck with this particular laptop since I bought it refurbished back in 2018.   It was a miracle I got almost four years out of it.   So I've been using an older ASUS laptop for the last week and a half that still halfway functions.   But I found a Lenovo IdeaPad that seemed to perfectly what I was looking for.   Also thanks to my work I was able to get a discount which bought my total cost under $500.  Cha-ching!

So here's to my first official blog entry on my new laptop.

Hating On The X

 I'll have to get back to more meaningful posts.   Actually I'm having a new life experience that is in the near horizon.    Something I never thought I would ever have happen to me.   I may have hinted about in previous posts.    But I'll share more later.

In the meantime this song that popped up during the credits of a show called The Chi (which by the way I can't believe this show is still on the air with their 5th season but then again I'm watching it so there you go...*LOL*) had me cracking up.   As you can tell from the title, it has to do with an ex.    I only have two official exes and thankfully I don't hate either of them.   I don't believe they hate me...*LOL*.   I doubt we even think about each other.   The most I thought about them is due to this post.   Actually it's amazing in my almost 50 years of living, I've only had three serious relationships.   Though it wasn't from lack of trying as my blog entries over the last almost two decades can attest to.  

But anyway this song titled 'Hate My Ex' had me rolling of the floor laughing though some of the lyrics are quite savage.   But it was the delivery that had me cracking up.    To keep up with current times, part of the lyrics mentioned hoping the ex catches "Corona".   They also berate most of their ex's family members and savagely adds "I hope when you get on a scale, it asks if you are a whale"... OUCH!   Now while I don't hate my exes, some of the losers I've befriended, dated and/or hooked up with over the years I definitely wouldn't mind dedicating this song to them.     Anyway it's my latest eargasm so I thought I'd share it on here.    See ya on the next post.

Working It Out Again

 Well I finally done did it.  I decided to get my black ass off the couch and mosey it into the gym.    I was lamenting last month about how I've gained weight and had a hard time motivating myself to work out.   Dom and I did finally take a step in the right direction by registering at our local Y.     But we both struggled to make it there afterwards.

So Dom decided to spend his 58th birthday on Friday night hanging out at a local leather bar celebrating with friends.   I chilled at home and told myself at some point that I would choose today to get my butt to the gym in the morning no matter what.    So that's what I did.

I got there a little after 7am and was surprised to see a number of cars already there.   Today marked my first time in a gym in nearly four years.    It felt a bit surreal but it felt like I was home.   I made my way to a row of elliptical machines and acquainted myself with the second one from the left end.   There was a guy on an elliptical near the right end having a loud conversation with someone working out on a bike in front of him.

I started working out and a few folks sprinkled in here and there.   I definitely was pushing through my workout the best way I knew how.   It was hard considering I hadn't been on an elliptical in awhile.   I was miffed too because I forgot my I-Pod but I told myself that I would have to imagine the music in my head.   It was hard doing so with the other people there.

Then I got super annoyed when I was nearing the 30 minute mark and this older gentlemen decides to hop on the elliptical right next to me.   I was thinking there's at least four machines separating me and the loud guy who just was wrapping up his set and getting off.    But yet he chose to go to the one next to me.   Aren't we still in COVID times (even though noone including myself is really wearing masks that much anymore) and shouldn't he stay six feet away from me?   Maybe I was being cruised...nice to know I still got it.  *LOL*.   Thankfully I only had another 16 minutes left.  

Just as I was finishing up another guy came up to chat with him.  I got off and went to get a towel and spray to wipe my machine off.   I explored the rest of the gym and then went to the restroom to wash my face.   I got home and Dom was still sleeping in the recliner in the living room.   He had gotten home around 3am and was tired.

I'm going to attempt and go back on Monday.   I want to try to go closer to 6am so I can be home closer to 7am when I start my workday.    I'm realizing going early is probably the best thing for me.   Since I've started this job, I've had a hard time finding time to take a decent break.   

I'm hoping too that my going may help motivate Dom to go.   One positive...Dom has been keeping with his promise to work on cleaning out his doll room and reorganizing things around the house.   So at least he's getting some exercise doing that.

#$%#%#@#$&@!

 

I've been watching a YouTube couple with a channel called WealthNation for about a month now.  A lot of the tips they share about saving and investing is not really new.   But I enjoy their back and forth banter in their videos and they seem to really enjoy themselves.   The husband is actually a hottie too.  At least I assume they're married.   It's great when a couple is able to agree on things financially (like obviously WealthNation do) which is sadly not always the case.   Usually one half of the couple is a saver while the other half is a spender.   I think everyone that's read my blog(s) know which half of the equation I fall under in my current coupling.

They do say finances are one of the most important things that couples need to agree on.   It's more important than sex.   In our case the sex obviously went out the window.   So finances is really all we got to work with...*LOL*.  Things were getting a little better as Dom wasn't spending as much on his hobby and at one point, I managed to get the joint savings account to have close to $1000.   But then he started spending again and his multiple doll pre-orders starting withdrawing money from the joint account all at once and our bank (for the joint accounts anyway) started taking money from our savings to cover the overages.   In a matter of months the savings account has dwindled to under $100 and our stupid bank did the most offensive thing to cover Dom's overages.   It took the money that was paid for June's mortgage to cover the overages as well as tack on three separate $35 overdrawn fees.   To add a little more insult to injury, they then tacked a $10 late fee for the mortgage that was paid on time.    Centier is the name of the fucking bank and yes Dom ultimately has accountability in why things got the way it did.   But fuck Centier!

Now we did try to resolve things two years back by having Dom have his own separate account where he could do his hobby and transfer a portion of his paycheck to his personal account so that whatever was left in the joint could be primarily for bills which is what it should've been in the first place.   But then Centier decided to require multi-factor authentication to log into the account which fucked Dom over because he had no clue how to log into the account.   So instead of transferring some money from the joint, he started doing all his hobby stuff on the joint which led to the situation I'm ranting about today.

And of course I'm the one that's left to bail him out.  I guess I made that choice when we got together but sometimes I feel so frustrated.  He just doesn't seem to care.   And then he still talks about spending money on things even in the midst of this happening and it's enough to make me scream.   That's why I'm not feeling great about him doing early retirement potentially.   He claims that he would cut his spending but I don't believe him.   

His hobby has gotten in the way of him paying for other things, like his medical bills and car maintenance.   I'm still pissed about my own medical bills that I had to pay because I didn't have health insurance prior to getting my job (which is another rant for another time...*LOL*).

He has the nerve to get on my case whenever I decide to go to the casino.  I know 99% of the time I wind up "donating" money for them to keep the lights on.   But at least I'm not spending almost my whole paycheck at the casino which is doing for his hobby.

One positive financial thing happened at least this month.   I knocked out one of my two credit card debts.   So now I can focus on knocking the other one down.   It'll be a little harder since I'm using that card to pay my medical debt as well as making various purchases but I'm hoping putting more money into it (basically taking the money I spent to knock down credit card #1 in addition to what I currently pay on my other card) will knock my debt out or at least put a huge dent in it by this time next year at the earliest.

I really wanted to replace a few of the windows this year.   But the thought of getting more debt has delayed that.  Plus it would pretty much fall on me to get it paid for.   I will do it eventually (along with a few other house repairs) but I think I'll table it until next year when hopefully by then I put a nice dent on card #2.   Maybe Blackberry may finally pay off by then too and help me out...*LOL*.  (A brother can dream, right?)

My planned trip to San Diego in October sadly won't help the debt cause either.   But I haven't been on a plane since September 2018.   It'll be nice to take a trip again even with this crazy COVID mess we have to deal with.   So maybe September or October 2023 on the remaining credit card debt being paid off...*LOL*.

I received more sad news last Saturday when Trina texted Tasha and I to let us know that our Dad fell down in the hallway and was being taken to the hospital.    It took almost two days for him to get a room.   Trina and thankfully Tasha have been taking turns visiting him in the hospital.   I was planning to go to Detroit that weekend but wound up not going.

Dad wound up breaking two ribs in the fall.  Unfortunately his dementia has gotten worse and may have played a role in the fall.   Trina was in her bedroom when it happened so she didn't see the cause.    He's going to unfortunately have to go to what they coin a "rehab center" which in reality is a nursing home to heal up.   There's no telling how long he will have to stay there or if he'll even come home.   It may get to the point that Trina and Donovan won't be equipped to take care of him.   It's just sad all around.

I hate to know that Dad is slowly slipping away from us.  I guess it's the cycle of life and one day it'll happen to all of us.   He's lucky that he has three kids that he can fall on.   Who will have my back when my time come?

One of the things my Dad lamented about from time to time over the last decade or so is not believing that's he at the age now where he's considered an old man.   I mean when I think about it, he was 42 when I was born.   That means that when my Dad was my current age, I was only 7 years old.    It's just crazy how life goes by so quickly.

That's why I guess it is good that Dom has his hobby that he enjoys.  I just wish he thought a little more about the future as well (however bleak it may be).  Dom's already said that he wants to die first.   Life of course has no guarantees that it'll work out that way.   So perhaps that's why he's not really that concerned about saving.   At least that's how I'm trying to rationalize in my head.   That's the way the cookie crumbles.

Life's Journey

 June 7th would've been my parents' 53rd wedding anniversary.    Technically it still is.   Sadly my Dad is continuing to decline.   He's basically suffering from dementia and has to constantly be watched.   Thankfully he hasn't turned violent but watching him has been exhausting Trina.   I do plan on visiting him on Father's Day.   I don't know what his state of mind will be.

I had a full day today as well on this my parent's anniversary.   I went to my company's downtown Chicago headquarters this morning.   They were having an event at their headquarters later that day.   I also got to meet one of my fellow Salesforce Pathfinder classmates for the first time in person.   I was hoping to meet one of the founders of the program but she was working from home.   But my classmate and I wound up going to the networking event.   We really didn't do much networking though and only managed to stay about 15 minutes before bailing.  *LOL*.

Working downtown Chicago marked the first time I worked there since September 2018.  I actually didn't know I could do so till last week.   So now I'm planning to work from there at least once a month.   Today was crazy crowded in the office as well which I didn't care for.   Plus everything now is "open seating" which means that you can hear every conversation that's going on around you.  I hate it.  I miss the olden days (guess I am old after all...*LOL*) where we had tall cubes for office space.   The cubes along with the white noise cancelled out a lot of the office noise.   Plus it gave you more privacy.  Despite all the distractions I actually had a semi-productive day which was a good thing.

I am hoping though that next month it won't be as crowded when going to the office.   I do like the commute to the Chicago location much better than my commute to the Indianapolis location for sure.   At least I can be relaxed on the train as opposed to stressed in traffic.   And I'm getting much needed exercise walking to the office in Chicago which I desperately need.

Needless to say I'm pretty bushed.  But I did want to record the moment since it was a bit historical.

It's Fun To Stay At The...

 Y.M.C.A - The Village People

Verse 1:

Young man, there's no need to feel down

I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground

I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town

There's no need to be unhappy

Young man, there's a place you can go

I said, young man, when you're short on your dough

You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find

Many ways to have a good time.

Refrain:

It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A

It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.

They have everything for you men to enjoy

You can hang out with all the boys

It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A

It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.

You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal

You can do whatever you feel

A place where they have everything men can enjoy and you can hang out with other men?   A place where there's many ways to have a good time and you can do whatever you feel.   Hmm.   It sounds like a gay man's paradise...*LOL*.  I'm not sure if it wasn't intentional or not but the Village People were definitely homoerotic and songs like YMCA and Macho Man didn't help quell that image.   Plus the Leather Man would fit in perfectly at International Men of Leather.   I'm just saying.

Speaking of the YMCA, our local YMCA is where Dom and I finally made it to last Saturday.   I was briefly lamenting last month that I needed to get myself to the gym.   It so happens that YMCA has multiple chapters throughout the United States where members can go workout.   Today's YMCA is not just for men either as women are also allowed to join as well.    I'm curious if men can work out at a YWCA.   According to this YWCA website, the answer is yes, men are invited to come on in and get fit.

So we were able to get memberships at our local Y.   The good thing is that I should be able to get reimbursed from my company for the monthly membership fee.   And thankfully we were able to waive the $30 joiner fee thanks to a summer promo they were having.   Now I just have to motivate myself to go to the gym a few days a week (most likely after work).   Dom says he'll go possibly during the early morning hours now that he's out of school.  I do hope he does so as well.    We definitely need to motivate each other to get moving.    We did walk around our local trail a few hours ago for a little over an hour so that was positive.

I weighed myself a few days ago and was shocked that my weight was a few pounds away from 190.   I haven't been close to that heavy since the mid-90s.   I for sure need to work my way back to 180 and then my ultimate goal of 170.    It's a work in progress for sure.

Dom's New Chapter

 Dom got news a few days ago that the school he works at was ending their contract with him once the school year ends.   He mentioned a few months back that the district mentioned having a memorandum on their ballot where they were wanting to increase taxes to raise extra cash for the school district.   He was told that if it didn't pass then they would have to cut staff.   The memorandum did not pass.

Dom teaches math and from my understanding, math is one of the harder subjects to find teachers.  As a result he didn't feel they'd get rid of any of the math teachers.  So the announcement came as a surprise to him.   He did note that he didn't like the current principal (who came into his role a year after Dom started) and the feeling was mutual.   He found the principal to be a bit two-faced and a person who is used to getting things his way.   He felt the principal wanted to get rid of him and used the memorandum as an excuse since Dom was doing a great job otherwise and couldn't be fired.

Oddly enough with all of Dom's health issues, he did discuss with me the possibility of taking early retirement and leaving the school for a year and then going back somewhere else the following year.   He would use the year to improve his health and fix up things around the house.   I was feeling a bit leery about that idea since I just started my gig back in January and wanted to feel a bit more secure in my job and have time to get my financial life back on track.   Also Dom said he would have to cut out his discretionary spending on his doll hobby.   With his track record I can't imagine him not doing it for a year.   It's bad enough that he's started racking up a few over draft fees in our joint account due to his hobby.    I remind myself though that the fees are less than the credit card interest I've racked up prior to starting the Amazon life.    Thankfully I'm finally making headway to knocking out my debt on one of my credit cards.   But still the bank fees can be controlled.   So it's bothersome when it happened.    

So it's funny that circumstances have given Dom the opportunity to possibly pursue early retirement.  He's also talked about possibly becoming a substitute teacher and making his own hours.  He's also exploring checking out the school district in Michigan (the Indiana-Michigan border is less than an hour from where we live) due to their later school start and early completion.    If he does pursue retirement, he's thought about taking a part-time evening job to supplement his income.   If it winds up being a part-time situation, he's going to need health insurance which means we may finally have to stop living in sin and get hitched.   I guess it's been almost eight years.   Some would say it's about time...*LOL*.

Whatever he decides, we'll work through it together.   He stuck with me through my lean years so I will do the same for him.

Incidentally he's heading out to the International Men of Leather weekend in Chicago tomorrow.   The  last time I went to an IML event was a Sunday church service they had that Dom and I sang at.   He plans to participate in the Sunday service but also take part in some other events.   So I'll have to figure out how to entertain myself this long Memorial Day weekend.   I'm guessing a casino may be involved...*LOL*.

Shut up Fido!

A lot of dog owners don't realize that when they have a dog not only do they have to deal with it, so do their neighbors.   Dom and I have the unfortunate pleasure of having next door neighbors that have a canine.   The Joneses, as I've come to nickname them, had a small terror when we first moved into our home back in 2016.    Terror #1 would yip and yap whenever one or both of us stepped out into the backyard.    Sadly it is in their nature.   Terror #1 died sometime in 2021 and for awhile I thought we were finally done with the nightmare.    It was crazy because for a period I was thinking something was up when I wasn't hearing Terror #1.   We got confirmation when Mrs. Jones told Dom about Terror 1's demise.   She said they were done with dogs but then came Terror #2 a few months later.   I notice he'll (I assume it's a he though it could be a she) start yapping even if I'm in the kitchen making dinner.   

Mind you that there's a fence separating our yard.   Terror #2 don't give a crap.  He'll just yap, yap, yap.  I'm tempted to buy a dog whistle to play to see if it'll shut him up.   He annoys me especially during the day when I'm working from home.  I wish we had central air but since we don't Dom insists on cracking all the old windows (bad screens and all) open.   That irritates me too but not much I can do about it.  Mr. Jones is literally outside almost the entire day in his yard during the spring and summer months.   So of course when he's outside, so is Terror #2.   I get to hear it all thanks to the windows being open.

As bad as Terror #2 is, we have an even worse dog living across the street from us.   I mostly blame the owner in this case.   This stupid lady has her dog walking all across everyone's lawns in the immediate vicinity and then lets it pee or poop where ever w/o a care in the world.    And don't be outside when they are walking, the stupid beast will be yelping and ready to attack.    There's an empty field area literally across the street from her that she can take her beast to relieve itself but she chooses to let it do its business in a random neighbor's grass.   If Dom and I didn't hate dogs so much, we'd get our own dog and have it come in front of their house and pee on their lawn and see how they like it.   

I guess things can always be worse.  It becomes more apparent when the weather gets warmer.  Also the Joneses like to entertain in their backyard.   Some of their invitees become annoying especially when they decide to park on our lawn, which is apparently a Gary, Indiana thing.   I'm so tempted to throw some nails in the lawn to see how they like a flat tire or two.   I'm so over the neighbors sometimes.   I was cracking up one year when Mrs. Jones told me that it's nice that we're in a quiet neighborhood.   I wanted to tell her 'quiet for whom, with all your noisy family and friends and Terrors'.   It's not limited to them either.   When Dom and I walk along the block, no less than a dozen dogs in the neighborhood start their familiar chorus of yelps.   Uggh!

Don't even get me started on Fourth of July which apparently is not limited to the day in question.  I already told you about the drama last year with kids and fireworks.   Dom and I talk about moving to the country just to get away from the crazy folks.   I can't believe I lived 16 years in a townhome when I think of the nightmare that was my asshole closeted gay neighbor.    He was a chain smoker with two little yappers that would proceed to want to attack whenever I ran into them outside.   I was so glad to get the hell out of there to get away from him and some of the racist neighbors.   I guess the Joneses and crazy lady across the street are tame in comparison.   At least I'm a single minority as opposed to a double...*LOL*.

You Don't Say

 One of the side effects of getting older is that I'm getting more set in my ways.   I admit I'm becoming less social (not that I was all that social to begin with...*LOL*)    But I did used to do "thangs".   I will say my late 20's and 30's was when I was at my peak.   It was at age 29 when I had my first "oral transaction" (thanks Trina Braxton...*LOL*) with a man.  I was freshly 30 on Halloween 2002 (almost 20 years ago...wow) when I lost my virginity to a hot Hungarian man.   Yes I was a late bloomer.

I laugh now when I think how naïve I was way back in eighth grade when I was teased and called a "virgin" (which was the tamest thing I was called).   The only virgin I heard of was the "Virgin Mary" and I associated being a virgin with being a girl.   I may have liked boys but I identified as a boy and wasn't looking to change that.   So I would adamantly argue back that I wasn't a virgin.   It was years later (I'm embarrassed to say it was in my late 20's...maybe close to the time of my transaction...*LOL*) when I realized 'yes I am a virgin'.   

I came into my own in my 30's.  I had a great job, a few close friends that I was keeping my gay secret from (though most knew), I occasionally socialized outside work, I traveled a lot, and I was a home owner (at 27 actually).   I kept up with the latest TV shows, artists, and fashions.  I blogged!  I worked out consistently and had a few Master Cleanses under my belt.    

One of my fondest memories happened on one of my numerous trips back to Detroit.   My parents were still living in our old family home and I remember going with my Dad to Sam's Club (it must've been summer 2007 or 2008, I don't remember the exact year).   We arrived back home after shopping and I remember carrying in one hand a big box with two or three Clorox bottles and in the other hand a big box of some other products that were placed in it.   Both boxes were heavy but I carried them with such ease.   My Dad over the years growing up always seemed critical of me, finding fault in how I did things.   But this particular visit when I was carrying groceries back into the house, my Dad came up to me, put his right hand on my shoulder and said, "(E...), you're so strong!"   At that time it was the first time in a long while I recalled my Dad giving me a compliment.   When I say I felt like I was on cloud nine, I can't even describe how happy I felt.   Even with everything I've accomplished at that time, I never felt like I measured up in my Dad's eye.  It's not to say that he wasn't supportive.   He worked hard at a menial job to take care of my Mom and his three children.   He did want what was best for us. But he was from the old school and not one to give affirmations.   So when he gave me that compliment, it was validation that I was on the right track and was a bit of an ego boost.

I will say now that I haven't been to a gym since just before the pandemic started.   I did get some good exercise my first six months working at Amazon when I worked in the smaller warehouse.    But once I moved to the larger warehouse, I had a more stationary job (even with standing on my feet all day).  I did move around my little station but it wasn't like before where I physically have to move around the warehouse to transport totes to delivery drivers.

I'm definitely not in the same shape I was in my mid 2000's.  I even gained some weight though thankfully I'm not obese.   But I don't have the strength or energy I had back then.   I know I need to get my butt in the gym but it's harder to get myself there and it doesn't help that Dom isn't that energetic either.   So I don't have that person motivating me to do so.   I guess some would call it "happy weight".    

I find myself having to drag myself to even go run errands at times.   When I was working weekends it was fine if I was lazy because at least I could go during the week.   Of course I wasn't making a lot of cash so I was limited in what I could do.   But now that I'm working weekdays, I'm back to only having two days and if I blow one day, it leaves only one more day (which I usually spend at least two hours in Church) before it's back to the work week.   The honeymoon is pretty much over as well so it's a bit more challenging getting out of the house.

One of the other things that became stagnant was giving new artists a chance.   Now that I'm older, I find myself more comfortable listening to familiar artists from the 80's, 90's, 00's, and a little of the 10's.   I tend though to gravitate towards the 90's and 00's which I feel were the greatest musically.  I pretty much just listen to CDs in the car and usually I'll have the same one on rotation for several months.   I have the habit too of having a song on repeat which annoys Dom the few times he drives in my car.   

So Hemingway I was listening to this Youtube show called Tea G-I-F from channel Fox Soul.   They are having a 'listening party' on May 9th for a new artist who's releasing an album soon after.   The whole music game has definitely changed in the age of the Internet.   Why did I find myself mesmerized by this new artist?  Her name is Ella Mai and her sound is reminiscent of the late 90's and gives of an Aaliyah/Brandy vibe.   Perhaps that's why I like her songs.   I've had her one song titled Didn't Say on repeat.

It's rare that any newer artists get my attention.  The last one that caught my ear was Lizzo.  Needless to say I'll have to listen to more of Ella Mai.   I may even have to do something I haven't done in years...buy a CD.  *LOL*.   See, you can teach an old dog new tricks.   I just need to get my ass back in the gym as well.   My company does encourage employees to take care of their health and help cover some of the costs associated with it.   Come on, E!  You can do it!  Do it.  Do it.   Just do it...*LOL*.

Who's That Imposter?

 

I'm going on almost month number 3 at my new gig.   Things are ok but it's definitely getting more hectic.   I'm getting assigned more and more cases and more days than not, I'm ending the day overwhelmed and anxious especially when I'm unable to solve an issue.   There's a lot I still don't know yet I'm expected to have the answers by our clients.   I can't help but feel like I don't belong.    They have a term for it called "Imposter Syndrome".  It's defined as the experience of feeling like a phony, as though any minute now, your cover will be blown and you'll be identified as a fraud.

I sometimes don't feel like I belong.   However I mostly keep my feelings to myself.   Well it gets harder to do that when Dom gets home from his job and sees me stressing by my laptop.   I thank goodness that I work from home 95% of the time.   I can't imagine how I would react if I'm around my teammates.   The curse of course is by working at home, it's harder to reach out to folks when I need help.

I do have a mentor that I was assigned who's actually a mentor to many team members.  I feel bad constantly having to ask him questions.   He has repeatedly said that he's not judging or cursing to himself when I ask but would he say if he was.   Needless to say I have a hard time asking for help but have been pushed in the corner where I need to ask.

Then I have newer folks that want to come for me for case shadowing.   I was reluctant to do so since I am of the school that it's better to keep your mouth shut and make them think you're a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.  *LOL*.    So I had to cave in and have a teammate shadow one of my calls this past Tuesday.   Unfortunately the issue the customer had wasn't straightforward to solve and the customer left the call feeling extremely frustrated and I had egg on my face.   Thankfully the teammate and I were able to talk afterwards and both share our struggles with supporting our large customer base and not having the wisdom of experience.

I feel like such a loser but I have to remind myself that I'm not.   It's just that I'm not 100% familiar with a lot of things.  It doesn't help that some people seem more natural at the job even with being new.   There's a teammate that's constantly assisting others with the more challenging cases and he's sort of becoming the "superstar" of the team.   I'm happy for him though I admit having a bit of envy wishing I could pick things up easily.  

But I realize I have to give myself credit for how far I've come since I got laid off back in 2017.   I did what I had to learn about cyber security and later on Salesforce while reporting to a menial job that I hated.   I worked hard to get to where I am now and have to see it through (without getting fired...LOL*).   I will say that I don't believe my current role is where I see myself working till retirement.   However the company is exactly where I want to be.   I just have to hustle again to find a role in the company I'm more suited for.    Hopefully I can get things to click better in the coming weeks and months.

Oh and in the meantime I need to find time to study for at least two more certifications.   Oh boy!  LOL.

Broken Things

Traci Braxton - Broken Things

Verse 1:

It's a cold wind blowing in the air tonight

My heart's frozen in my chest

There's a cold war going on between us now

And we're looking at stalemate at best

Cause neither one of us is strong enough to apologize

Cause neither one of us is wrong

Cause neither one of us has the guts to leave tonight

Cause we don't want be alone

Refrain:

You and me and hearts and strings

Who can fix these broken things

Who can put us back together not that we're undone

Now that we can't remember how

Tell me

Who can fix these broken things

I was so sad to read about Traci Braxton's passing.   As you know I'm a long-time Toni Braxton fan.  I knew of Toni's sisters primarily through the Braxton sisters only album So Many Ways.   Traci wasn't part of that album due to being pregnant at the time.   The whole sad tale is played out in their WeTV series Braxton Family Values.   Traci quickly became a favorite of mine cause she seemed the most real sister who told it like it is.   I was happy when she finally released her own solo album and then a second one four years later.   It was nice seeing her finally get her break.   I did see a photo float around where she did look sick but at the time the sickness was denied and I didn't think further of it.  Then came the announcement.   It was so sad but just like when my Mom passed, I'm glad that Traci is no longer suffering.

I'm currently in the Motor city, AKA Detroit, staying with my younger sister Trina (not Braxton...*LOL*) and her husband Donovan.   Trina texted Tasha and I on Tuesday morning telling us that our Dad was acting erratic and suggested that if we were available then to make some time to visit him.   For the last few weeks she's had to help my Dad change his Depends and he's been confused a lot.     She noted that his urine input was slowing down as well.   She was thinking my Dad may be near death and wanted us to see him.

I told Trina that I would head over there Friday.   It just so happens that I also have to travel to Indianapolis for work the following Wednesday.   So my plan is to work from their place Monday through part of Wednesday and then drive the 4 hours and change to Carmel just outside of Indianapolis to stay at a hotel overnight and then drive to work the next day.   I was wondering if I should head there earlier but I had three different meetings happening on Thursday that I felt more comfortable doing at my home.   I checked in with Trina on both Wednesday and Thursday and she said that my Dad was doing better.   I actually spoke to Trina and then my Dad Wednesday as well and he seemed fine.  So I felt better about holding off till Friday.   Thankfully my Dad is doing okay now as well.   Hopefully we still have time with him.

Tasha was radio silent when Trina sent the text.  When I called Trina Wednesday, she asked me if I talked to Tasha and was disappointed that she didn't message back.   I had hoped that perhaps Tasha would've called Trina directly since she didn't reply back via text.   But she didn't.   Unfortunately Tasha still has a lot of unresolved issues with Dad.   Her way of dealing with it has been to avoid him but in doing so it's left Trina and her husband holding the bag when it comes to caring for Dad.   I'm four hours away from Detroit as well so I'm not available a lot either.   I am grateful that Trina and Donovan has been there for him but I know it's definitely a strain (especially on Trina).   

Tasha finally broke her radio silence Thursday when I texted the group chat asking how Dad was.   But it was just one line with 4 smiley emoticons.    And of course Tasha has continued to be a no-show since I've been in town.

It's a sad situation all around.  When I last visited Tasha sometime last year, her husband Abe was trying to spill the tea to me (in front of Tasha) that he wanted the two of them to talk to one another.   I felt secondhand embarrassment for Tasha in the moment but I agreed with Abe.    But she stated that she was not ready.   The thing is that our Dad is 92 years old and he only has so much time left.   Unfortunately my Dad denies any wrongdoing when talking to him about things in the past.   He's not going to change but I would hate for her to have unresolved feelings about him after he's gone and she can't talk to him anymore.   Abe recently lost his Dad a few months ago and I imagine Tasha not talking to our Dad may weigh even heavier with him (as I'm sure even with the issues he had with his Dad that he wishes he had more time with him).

I do hope Tasha will come by the house but I'm not holding out hope.   

As I said, my plan is to work from Trina's house the next three work days.   Work itself is going okay.  I've worked on three customer cases and have thankfully closed two of them.   My manager does want me to pick up more cases which I'm sure will help me in gaining experience.   The good thing in my job as well is that they offer a lot of training to support us.   It's a good company and I'm hoping I can stay there until retirement which is at minimum 15 more years from now.   It doesn't seem like it now but time really does fly.   Hell I started blogging in 2005 and it's over 17 years now.   

I do see myself doing other roles within the company and not necessarily staying in support.   The company has headquarters in other parts of the world and Dom has actually made a good case for perhaps working out of their London office.   If I do that though it won't be for a good while.    I would like to perhaps get back into the Business Analyst realm that I worked in previously.   I also thought about doing something related to my recent Tableau certification.   The sky is definitely the limit.

I have another work related event scheduled at the Indianapolis office on April 14th.  That's why I wanted to stay in Detroit till Wednesday as well to save a little car wear & tear.   I had spoke to Ross and he mentioned being out of commission due to needing crowns on three of his front teeth.   So I won't be meeting him.    But I may actually meet a former classmate from my cybersecurity bootcamp for a quick drink after work if he's interested.    We reconnected because I saw he was in the market for work and the Salesforce Pathfinder program for 2022 was opening their doors and I thought he would be a good fit.   It wound up being the best thing I've done as I feel like I would still be working at Amazon otherwise.    It would be great if he wound up getting a job as a Salesforce Consultant before the end of 2022.

No Fooling

It was seventeen years ago on this date that I posted my first blog entry ever.    I've had various peaks and valleys that happened during that time.   I'm so glad I had and still have an outlet where I can share my thoughts and my life experiences.    I do wonder when my time is up in this world if anyone in the future will come across my blogs and marvel over what's taken place.

I will likely not be famous.   If it hasn't happened in the first almost 50 years, I can't see that happening.   Since I don't have any children, other than a few friends and acquaintances, there will be nobody that will remember me.   Those memories will be gone once their time is up.    I won't go down in the history books so my name won't be uttered in anyone's mouth 200 years from now on April 1, 2222 (unless of course someone with my name is born in the future).    But how cool would it be to live in the year 2222, if man doesn't fuck up Earth completely and make themselves extinct.

They do say whatever you post on the Internet stays forever.   So my blogs are my own way of keeping my spirit alive for anyone that happens to randomly come across it in 2222 or any other far off year in the future.

In other news I participated in a food pantry volunteer event that my company took part in.    I hated the 2 1/2 hour drive but it was nice doing a project that helped folks in need.   It was sad especially seeing the kids.    Some of the kids needed to translate for their parent(s).   There was one family that I witnessed drove in with a Hummer and was getting groceries.   That kind of gave me pause but then even with that, who knows what the situation is.   They could've bought the Hummer and then lost their source of income.   It reminded me to not judge.    Just seeing all the poor families and folks put a lot of things in perspective.  Despite what life throws at me, I am extremely blessed in having a home, a good job (now), and as Dom likes to say 'food in our belly'.

I wound up driving straight back afterwards.   That was exhausting.   But I didn't want Dom being upset if I stayed overnight again.    Ross wasn't available to meet but I did try to meet up with a menses or two but of course nothing happened.   I did befriend one of those menses though and we've been chatting the last couple days.   If it leads to anything, stay tuned.

In regards to the job, even working at Amazon in their Warehouse was a blessing as a lot of folks would kill to have that.    I'm thankful to not be in a situation like in the Ukraine (or any other nations where it's not in the media because the U.S. has no special interests there) where millions are being evacuated from their homes due to Putin-led Russian forces bombing the area to take over.   I just can't imagine being displaced from your home and country.   I'm thankful not to lose our home due to a natural disaster like a fire, earthquake, or tornado.    Of course life has no guarantees.   Anything can and will happen.

I'm grateful too for my family still keeping it together.   I still miss Mom but am glad my Dad is hanging on.   Sadly he lost his only other living brother (my uncle) due to natural causes a few months ago.   Unfortunately the two brothers never reconciled their differences even though my Dad tried reaching out to him multiple times.   I'm not even sure what the exact issues were between them.   There was also a strain between his oldest brother and himself but they made up years before his oldest brother passed.    Amazingly my Dad and his two brothers all made it to their 90th birthdays.   That's almost unheard of with men, let alone black men and all the shit they've had to go through.

But yes I have a lot to be grateful for.    Who knew my anniversary post would end up being a 'gratitude post'.   LOL.

Whoa Fido!

On March 9th, my manager wanted to have our team come out to the office to meet each other in person.   I wasn't thrilled since the office headquarters are in Indianapolis which is 2 1/2 hours away from home.    But I was curious to check out the office and to a smaller extent some of my colleagues.

Since I was heading out to Indianapolis, I reached out to Ross who Dom and I met in December to see if he wanted to meet.    He invited me to stay the night at Ray and his place.  I was torn on doing so since Dom and Ross pretty much clashed.   If I told Dom that I was staying overnight at Ross's, he would not be happy about it.   But at the same time I felt like Ross and I had some chemistry and it had been at least five months since I was last intimate with a guy.   Plus the thought of driving 150 plus miles back on the same day was a turn off.

I decided that I would take Ross on his offer but I wouldn't tell Dom I was staying overnight until I was out of town.   Also I would tell him I was staying at a hotel.   I hated lying but I thought it was for the best.  Something is going to have to give at some point since Dom and I haven't had sex in over 5 years.   At the end of the day I still love Dom and want to be with him but I still have occasional needs.   And it's getting harder and harder to find decent hookups.   I suppose if I didn't have standards, I could sleep with anyone but I have my own criteria on what I like and a lot of times what I like doesn't like me back..*LOL*.

In talking to Ross regarding his relationship with Ray, he says that they love each other but know that they have outgrown each other sexually.    They even sleep in separate bedrooms in their home.   They've been in a relationship for over 15 years and have been business partners for even longer.   They are both fine with each other meeting and hooking up with other guys.  

I learned a few years into my relationship with Dom that he actually prefers being on the bottom bunk.   But guys he's met have wanted him to be the 'top'.   I suppose I fell into that expectation as well.   I mean Dom's around 5'11 280 lbs.   Though yes there are a lot of big bottoms too.    It could explain his losing interest in sex as well.    As far as I know he hasn't hooked up with anyone, though in the last two years he has been visiting the Northside of Chicago's gay bar Touche more frequently.   Plus he made a comment in a random Facebook post that 'he has a desire to be dominated in the bedroom'.    Gotta love Facebook for pointing to "friends" comments that the person may not have wanted you to see.  *LOL*. Honestly if he's hooked up with folks at Touche, I can't be mad at him since I've had my own hookups.   I just wish we could talk to each other about it.

So I asked my manager if it would be okay if I left mid-morning and got to the office before 1:30.   Our company required COVID tests be performed prior to being allowed in the work area.   She was fine with my proposal.  But then she pissed me off in our next 1-on-1 when she said that she wanted me to come earlier so I could've met the team longer.   I do have to get used to Injera's style.   She tends to be more on the quiet side (which I don't mind since I tend to be introverted).   Even in our team meetings, she isn't as active in moving things along.   Plus everyone on the team is extremely quiet and a lot of folks have their cameras off.   I suppose being remote hasn't helped so it was good to meet.

I honestly hoped I would have the manager that interviewed me initially for the role.   He and I seemed to have some good chemistry and I liked his laidback attitude.    But for now I'm under Injera and we'll just have to adjust to each other.

So I loved the corporate office.  I hated the parking situation but I did find an affordable garage to park in.    It was my first time in a corporate office in over 3 years.   It was so funny seeing a sign for their  'Clear Desk Policy' on one of the floors I visited, which reminded me of my latter years at my previous long term gig.    I was glad to be able to score a free lunch from a group that had leftover sandwiches and cookies.   I just wish the office was closer.    They do have a smaller office in Chicago but it's not considered a main hub.    Interestingly enough the company is planning on expanding in the Chicago market by 2023.   I'm hoping that once that happens, I can transfer there.

Before heading to Ross and Ray's place, I called Dom and told him that I would be having dinner somewhere downtown.    That unfortunately was not true but I didn't want to say where I was having dinner.   I didn't mention that I was staying overnight but I sent Dom a Facebook message later in the evening stating I would be staying at a local hotel.

I made my way to Ross and Ray's place.   Almost immediately as I entered, I found myself being assaulted by their dog Fido.    He's a big dog and he literally was wanting to jump all over me.   I'm not a dog fan and Fido's "attacks" reminded me of my brush in with our overseas family's mean dog that took a chunk off my face when I was a mere nine years old.   I made the mistake way back then of touching Dick (the dog's actual real name...but I love the irony considering what I like...*LOL*) in the back while he was eating.   I guess he thought I was stealing his food.   Since that day way back in 1981, I feared and hated dogs.   I was just glad Dom and I didn't encounter Fido while we stayed with them last December.    He was in doggie day care while the R's were preparing their Christmas show.

So once Ross was able to reign him in, we greeted each other.   It was after 7pm and both the R's were actually beat.   They cooked dinner beforehand and Ross and I ate at the dining room table while Ray excused himself and took a plate to his bedroom.   Of course Fido kept coming after me throughout and he kept wanting to lick my face which I guess is nice but considering where his tongue has been was not the most sanitary.

The assault continued while Ross and I watched a couple bad horror movies.    Thankfully sometime during the second movie Fido fell asleep somewhere and Ross and I were finally alone.    We both started touching each other, with Ross squeezing my thighs and later my throbbing dick while I rubbed his belly and inched my hands towards his dick.   This petting continued until the end of the second movie.

After we both showered (separately) he invited me to stay the night in his bedroom.   It was chilly in his room but he wanted me to hop in the bed nude.   He did have a few layers of covers so I stripped though I left my briefs on.   We pretty much just kept touching each other for the next hour.   I finally attempted to kiss Ross but I didn't feel like he was that into it.   Maybe it was my breath...*LOL*.   We eventually both fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning to use the restroom in their guest room.   I looked at my phone and saw Dom had sent some messages.   By the time I woke up he was at his job.   I was hoping he would've slept the night but he told me that he woke up after midnight and was worried since I hadn't come home.   Unfortunately he doesn't keep his cell phone near him so he didn't go check his message that I left about "staying at a hotel".   I apologized for having him worried and told him I'd be home before he got home from school.   I decided to use a floating holiday that day so didn't have to worry about logging in to work.

Ross and I played under the covers some more for a bit afterwards.   A little bit later we walked Fido around the block.    They live in a nice subdivision and within a few blocks was a dog park.   Ross said that Fido doesn't play nice with other dogs.   Thankfully there were no dogs that we encountered.   One thing I noted was that Ross didn't bring some bags or a shovel for picking up poop.   Just before heading back to their house, Fido finally found a spot in the middle of the field to make his deposit.   I felt sorry for whoever had to cut the grass.   It's stuff like this that turns me off about people with their dogs.

Later on Ross and Ray took me to see their old Cabaret theatre in the middle of a small town that they are working on recovering for reopening.   They have some rooms upstairs that Ray was talking about converting to Escape rooms which actually sounds cool.   I was impressed with the work they were doing.    They definitely have a gift and it gave me insight into why their relationship works for them.

I told Ross that I wanted to leave by 11 (which actually seemed to annoy him).  At different points during the morning he kept sarcastically saying 'you got to leave by 11'.    We got back from the Cabaret a few minutes after 11 and I went to get my stuff and then said my goodbyes to the guys.

I got back to my neck of the woods just before 1 and I stopped to get something to eat since I had skipped breakfast.   We both exchanged quick messages after I let him I made it back.   I had fun but I'm honestly not sure if Ross would want to see me again.   I got the feeling he wanted someone more dominant like I wanted someone dominant and neither one of us is that person.   Plus I really didn't care for Fido and I know how much he loves Fido.   But I'm glad at least I gave it a shot.   At least I had a little action after my drought.